Trying to Subside a certain kink. Recommendations?

[Ginger!!]

Hello Scarleteen.
I’ve recently been exploring a new kink that has most likely been apparent since childhood. Overall it really leaves me feeling icky, & Ive attempted to accept it but that ick lingers longer than the few moments of pleasure.
Considering this, I’m curious if you guys have any recommendations for just leaning off of it? I understand it’s good to embrace but it truly doesn’t feel healthy for my long term habits & well being.
Also, do you guys have recommendations for accountability? Like a group or person whom can encourage me to not indulge in certain types of media (in general, not even just this specific kink related thing), it feels so easy now.
May I also add that I’ve leaned off this kink & indulging media before, & I can truly say I’ve felt better with myself.

I appreciate you reading this, thank you Scarleteen!

[Ginger!!]

I would like to correct myself here. I read some other boards & noticed the word kink is "unhelpful", I agree with that perspective. Thus clarifying that I don't feel there is anything "unusual" or "wrong" with me, yet again lacking for better terms (hence the quotations). So please, replace the idea of kink with sexual turn on or fantasy.

Thanks again.

[KierC]

Hey Ginger! It’s great to see you back here. I hope you’ve been well.

First, what a lovely correction! I agree too that kink isn’t the most helpful framework to discuss sexual interests, because there’s really nothing wrong or unusual about them. It’s always fun to learn new perspectives on words, lol.

But, onto your question! it sounds like the sexual interest you’ve been exploring or thinking about more is distressing to you. I have a couple of questions that will help me understand a bit better, if that’s ok! It sounds like you know that it’s a good idea to embrace it, but you’re still feeling like it’s unhealthy for you. Can you say a little more about why you feel like this is unhealthy for your long term habits and wellbeing?

To your question about accountability, again, I don’t see a problem with the sexual interest media, because it’s actually healthy to explore different fantasies and interests. But in a more general sense, with other media that is not sexual content (if you’re talking about social media, for example), I’ve found it helpful to have an “accountabili-buddy,” someone in your life who you see regularly who also has something they want help being accountable for, and with whom you can share goals and keep eachother accountable to them. I do not know of any accountability groups off the top of my head, but do you have a person in your life, like a friend or someone you trust who might be able to help you with certain habits you want to ease?

[Ginger!!]

A little more about why I feel it’s unhealthy for habits & well being: For one, this sexual intrest has introduced me to consuming more media surrounding it. (When I speak of media, I mean sexual media that is not intended for a minor, not social media. I’m really just not sure if I can disclose the actual name on Scareleteen because I am a minor). This sexual intrest is not inheartly sexual but there is an intention when people are filming themselves doing so. But besides that, I personally feel that this type of media isn’t healthy to consume. I feel that eventually I will be exposed to other things that will cause harm, or that far in the future it could become an addiction (then causing self & relationship problems). I prefer to stop while I’m ahead & try to balance my consumption of it out before there’s a sort of dependence on it.
I also find myself fantasizing about things I really don’t want to as I masturbate (things relating to this certain sexual intrest) ; the thoughts are almost intrusive & involuntary. Thinking about one thing then focusing more on trying to get it out of my brain, making it hard to experience pleasure. I understand this may be a symptom of something else relating to mental health. But I truly feel the cycle of this sexual intrest & consuming its media is the root of my unwanted thoughts while masturbating.
Overall, I believe that during adolescence I shouldn’t be consuming this sexual intrest as intensely as I am. I fully accept myself & the sexual intrest, but I’m wanting to push it to the side until I’m possibly a little older/ have someone to talk about it with in depth. In very simple words, I don’t want to expose my “still growing” brain to possible harmful media & media influenced thoughts. Currently I’m more open to exploring myself without any sort of media influence, along with learning certain parts of sexuality by myself, that’s important to me. So, with that openness to self discovery in mind, I hope the goal to wean off of this sexual intrest temporarily makes a little more sense.
If you’ve noticed, I’m kind of walking around a term here. Let me know if you need further explanation & if this makes sense.
Thank you KierC.

[Heather]

Hi there, Ginger, and great sigline quote! Audre Lorde forever. <3

So, it sounds to me like it might be a lot more helpful -- and effective -- to think and talk about how to change your behaviours than to change your thoughts. It's not only really hard to change thoughts, with sexual thoughts/fantasies, trying to change them often only tends to make them more sticky. But thoughts aren't really a problem, anyway, since thoughts don't themselves do anything or compel us to do anything, you know? We can be in charge of and control of our actions regardless of what thoughts we have.

It sounds like the big behavioral thing here that's distressing you is indulging in media around these thoughts or fantasies. Have you tried using tools like web-blocking software, or like dumping any apps you use for this? How about using something like a habit tracker to change your habits in terms of what you're seeking out?

I do want to add that there really isn't such a thing as a media/porn addiction. There is sexually compulsive behaviour, and that can involve media use, but it doesn't work like addiction does, so that really isn't something you need to concern yourself with, and probably will only make you feel more scared. Feeling afraid isn't a way of feeling that tends to help us make positive changes, and it's also not like feeling bad offers us anything good, period.

[Ginger!!]

I have my habit tracker going & that has helped along with setting mini goals along the way. I will research & set up web blocker, I appreciate that recommendation.
It seems this is something that will just take time & practice. Everybody is different, of course, & I recognize that, so my question possible doesn’t have an answer. My goal is not to get rid of my interests or thoughts, but to be more healthy about them in a way that fits me. And yes, recognizing behavior is a good & effective start. All of that seems to be up to me, probably not something that is necessarily taught! Thank you for the perspective surrounding thoughts & addiction, I will keep it in mind. I hope all of the Scarleteen team has a good rest of their week!

[char]

Hi Ginger,

Glad that the other volunteers have helped you! Take care as well!

[Ginger!!]

Hey, I actually wanted to follow up.
Can you explain a little more on why “there really isn't such a thing as a media/porn addiction”? I’m curious how that is.
Thank you!

[KierC]

Hi, Ginger!

Thank you for your question! From my understanding, there isn’t really such a thing as a media or porn addiction because there is not a chemical dependence associated with it, and because we find it much more helpful to instead talk about *compulsivity* or compulsive behavior associated with certain activities. So, that would become relevant if someone were struggling with behaviors to the extent that it interfered with their daily life (chores, school, work, self-care and maintenance, etc.).

We also published this advice column that explains the subject a bit more if you’re interested! You can find it here: Are We Addicted to Sex?

How does all of that sound to you?

P.S. omg I love the quote on your profile That’s from my favorite work of Audre Lorde’s!