Am I a lesbian or just emotionally unavailable?

[lllallalallalal]

Since I was 12 I have wondered if I am a lesbian. I have had a lot of short term romantic things with guys, because guys tend to be interested in me and there’s a lot of positive social feedback when I’m involved with guys. This has kind of resulted in me doing a lot of sexual stuff with guys because its easy and quick and makes me feel like i did something good, but its harder for me to be in a romantic or even platonic relationship with guys. I’ve had a few gay guy friends but have never even had very close friendships with boys. Also because every time i am friends with a straight guy he usually ends up hitting on me or only seeing me as a dating prospect. I have come to think that i am very emotionally unavailable to guys because i am unable to form emotional bonds that even come close to any of my female friendships or crushes. I have never been with a woman, other than drunk kissing and stuff. However usually when I get a crush on a girl it’s incredibly intense and takes me years to get over. I have filled whole dairies with my thoughts about a crush on a girl but struggle to remember to text back a guy who i’m supposed to be developing a relationship with. However I wonder if part of this comes from the fact that with guys I usually find them attractive when they are unattainable or i think they arent into me, but as soon as they become interested in me i lose all interest, feel trapped and get the “ick”. I wonder if i only like women so much because they are forever unattainable? (it is easy for me to find guys who are attracted to me and want a relationship, but girls never see me in a romantic light)

This makes me feel very guilty for continuing to entertain men’s interests in me and engaging in romantic exchanges with them, when I know ultimately i could never be with a man for more than a little while, but every time i hope he will be the one and it will be different this time.

Basically the reason this is pressing right now, is because over this past summer I began hooking up with a guy, and it has developed into a romantic relationship (although we have not defined it yet). If i could come up with my dream man he would check every box, he is kind, has his own interests and an incredibly promising future, is respectful of me not wanting to talk all the time etc… and I know he doesn’t only want me for Sx. (I am only able/kind of enjoy doing that stuff with guys when i am very inebriated)
but i feel bad, because I am scared that sooner or later I will get the “ick” but he is so perfect and i dont want to lose him. I also respect him deeply and dont want to waste his time or hurt him.

I can’t imagine myself “coming out” as a lesbian but also can’t imagine myself ever marrying a man. Although if i was in a relationship with a woman i would be open about it.

What do you think? Can i love him? Is it fair to keep pursuing a relationship with him? Am I lesbian or just emotionally unavailable?

[Latha]

Hi there, lllallalallalal! Welcome to the boards!

These are some complicated questions about relationships and attraction... I see how they would weigh on you, especially in light of your relationship with the guy you met over the summer. Though we can't answer the question of what your sexuality is for you, we can have a conversation about how you've felt, and help you think through these feelings.

I'm hearing that relationships with guys have felt good for the social validation and positive feedback you get for them, despite the fact that they often leave you feeling disinterested and trapped, and like you can't connect to your partners. On the other hand, it seems like you've felt strongly about your feelings for girls in platonic and romantic contexts, though you haven't had the opportunity to explore an actual relationship. It sounds like you are concerned that a relationship with a girl will go the same your relationships with guys have, and that you won't be able to connect with anyone who shows interest in you. Is that right?

We can't know for sure what will happen in the future, but I don't think we can conclude that you are just emotionally unavailable, or that you just need to make yourself connect to other people more. It is often easier to build honest and close relationships with other people when we honor our needs and limits and stop pushing ourselves to do things that don't feel right.

If i could come up with my dream man he would check every box, he is kind, has his own interests and an incredibly promising future, is respectful of me not wanting to talk all the time etc… and I know he doesn’t only want me for Sx. (I am only able/kind of enjoy doing that stuff with guys when i am very inebriated)

I'm a little concerned to hear that you feel you can only enjoy sex with guys when you are inebriated. As we usually think of it here, that isn't a good formula for emotionally and physically safe sex, or a positive relationship with our own pleasure and our partners. Do you feel like you have to have sex with your partners. and feel the need to get drunk in order to go though with it?

Along those same lines, do you feel that you have to be in relationships with guys, or with people in general, even when they don't make you feel good? If you care for and respect this guy a lot, why not be friends?