A confused woman

[Obitheunicorn]

Hello, everyone. My name is Obi, I'm 21, and I identify as a lesbian but lately I've been confused. You see, I've always been attracted to women in every way possible: romantically, sexually, platonically, etc. But today I've seen a man's bare chest over the internet and I thought it looked really nice and I masturbated to it. However, what disgusted me was the thought of having sex with this man and trying to imagine myself touching his chest in real life kinda disgusted me as well. I have no idea what I am now. Please help me. Am I really a lesbian?

[Anya]

Hey Obitheunicorn,

Welcome to the boards!

I totally understand being worried about the experience affecting what label you choose. I resonate with anxieties similar to this in situations where I felt my actions did not align with my sexual orientation, thinking that I then either had to change my orientation for good or ignore the impulse entirely.

Sexuality is a pretty complicated thing, not only because it arises through your experience of different hormones, emotions, stimulation, and sooo much other stuff, but also because every time you think you've got it figured out, it changes! This is a super common experience, as I'd actually be surprised to meet anyone who felt their sexuality was totally constant throughout their whole life. Sexuality is not stagnant, and just as we change as humans, our sexuality may become more or less fluid over time.

It can be especially anxiety-inducing for queer folks who may have spent a lot of time trying to "figure it out" so that we can express ourselves as best as possible out in the world, which is reasonable, but can potentially be restricting later in life. Just as you might ask your loved ones or the people around you to be accepting of a sexuality that may differ from theirs, I think it's equally important to allow yourself the same kind of acceptance of whatever you're experiencing right now, even if it "contradicts" what you have previously felt.

We have a really great advice column on a similar situation that I think, in the response, you might find some support around these feelings.
I'm A Gay Guy, But There's This Girl
Once you've read the piece, feel free to come back, and we can talk about this as much as you want!

At the end of the day, labels are what you make them, and you should be able to consider yourself whatever feels resonant to you. The idea that everyone fits into these predesigned boxes of sexuality, even if there are a lot of boxes, doesn't always account for how fluid human sexuality can be. Does that make sense?