comphet , internalized homophobia?

[bandito]

hey, I’ve never done this before and only recently stumbled upon this forum, so I apologize for any excessive length to my message or potential informality.
I’m 17f (sorry for sounding like a redditor) and I’ve known my *entire* life that I like girls. I think they’re beautiful, I love snuggling my female friends (I’ll snuggle anyone, but it feels different) and when I was little I thought I’d grow up, settle down with a wife, and adopt children if we could afford it.

however, I have been with my boyfriend since we were 13. initially, it began because we were friends, he liked me, I liked the attention, and I didn’t want to lose a friend. I figured he’d break up with me eventually and it’d be alright. well, we’ve had our ups and downs and brief periods of separation, but we always come back together and find a way to understand one another.
I love him, I know that. but, I am not sure that it’s the same type of love I’d have for a woman. unfortunately, I don’t have any real experience there, as he and I have been committed, so I don’t have anything to compare it to.
I know I love male validation. I love being told I’m pretty, that I make him proud, that I make him feel good, ect ect. I like when other men express that they feel that way, but it’s repulsive when they try to act on it. when my boyfriend and I have sex, I feel like I’m pretending or preforming. it feels good sometimes, and sometimes its nice when it feels like its driven purely by love. but that’s few and far between, and I almost always want it to be over as fast as it begun. when I try to get in the mood, I have to imagine it from a third person perspective and I pay attention mostly to what’s happening to me / what’s going on with me.
sometimes I think he’s hot , but typically I just feel like he’s cute. not in an “oh my god, I need to make out with you” cute, just like , “aww. I love you.” *kind of* like how I feel about my little cousins.
I get jealous when I am not the focal point of his attention, but sometimes I feel annoyed when I’m paying attention to him. I think men are cool and I’m fascinated with them because they’re different than me, but I have never outwardly found a man attractive or wanted to seek out a relationship with one if it wasn’t instigated by him.
however, I really struggle to imagine dating a girl. I feel like it’s invalid if *I* do it because I have no idea what role I could play. with my boyfriend, I feel almost lesser; he protects me and takes care of me, and all I have to do is spend time with him and care about him. around anyone else, the last thing I need is taken care of or protected. I think my brain has crossed some wires, because now it’s convinced that thats the role all women play, so how can a lesbian relationship work out? I can’t imagine spending a bunch of one on one time with a girl because I don’t know very many. I have no idea what it’s like and because of that I’m convinced I can’t like it. I can imagine sex with a girl, I know I love snuggling girls, and I really enjoy those thoughts. but, when it comes down to the actual relationship, my brain keeps telling me it’s wrong. but, to be honest, I don’t think there’s much I enjoy about dating my boyfriend besides being in close proximity to someone I care about, and it guarantees his attention. and, truly, the validation is the only part of an intimate relationship with a man that I give a shit about. I feel like I’m using him, but I don’t want to ruin anything as I truly feel like we could have a good thing going if I could stop fantasizing about women. every time one of my friends talks about her girlfriend, I get jealous. everytime I see sapphic women in media (specifically pinterest, I see a lot of wlw art there and it’s what made these feelings reemerge; intense jealousy) we’ve talked about it a lot, and we don’t know what to do.

I cant exactly word it, but I know I have some internalized homophobia going on (directed at myself) because I really struggle to believe that it’s valid and can really work out, even though I *know* that isn’t true.

any help is appreciated, sorry for rambling:(

[AliahMaharaj]

Hey Bandito, welcome to the boards

No need to apologize, you’re not rambling. I’m glad you decided to use this space to talk through what you’ve been feeling.

It’s clear that you care about your boyfriend’s happiness, but if you’ve always known you want a romantic and/or sexual relationship with a woman, and you’re experiencing so much discomfort in your relationship with him, you don’t need to stay in that relationship.

Liking validation from him and being confused about what a relationship with a woman would be like for you are understandable feelings, but they don’t mean you’re stuck in a relationship where you’re not happy and fulfilled.
You mentioned that you’ve talked about this a lot before, do you mean you and your boyfriend have talked about how you both feel about this relationship, or have you talked with someone else about it?

Either way, talking with him honestly about what you actually want out of a relationship is a good next step. You said you’re worried about ruining what could be a good thing between you, but if not fantasizing about or being interested in women anymore is what it would take for things to work out, that’s not fair to you. Explaining how you feel isn’t ruining a good thing, it’s just being honest.

If you want to talk more here about how to go about having those conversations with him, we’re happy to talk through that with you.