genital anxiety

[choklot_mose]

i have grown up with ocd and a lot of fear around my genitals, to the point i was afaid to touch them (contamination ocd) though a lot of therapy and education i overcame this fear and was on a normal sexual development, when i started dating an older partner (2 yrs) who really pushed for things to always be sexual and tried to insert dildos. A few things arose from this, i now have pain around my vangina, and i can't see why, i don't know if my hymen is damaged or if something else is the issue. i can't drive to get it checked out, i also have a fear that ive contracted an std, and whenever i get irritation down there (shaving, infections, hygiene) i am terrified. i already have had several episodes about it, even though my doctor said im clear (but never got back about testing for hpv?)

i have verrucas on the bottom of my feet so knowing im infected there really worries me. The whole relationship and its results really shook me i feel completely ruined, like i can't be normal about sex or my genitals again. i also have the idea (perhaps unreasonably) that if i did get an std id be "ruined" and its humiliating proof i am infectious and disgusting, this is a horrible thought, i know, but im a lesbian from a small Christian community and i just can't shake some of the things ive been told.

i genuinely don't know how to go on

[Andy]

Hi again, choklot_mose.

I’ve addressed your past relationship in your other thread, but I want to talk about your worries about sexual health too.

I’m sorry to hear you are experiencing pain in your genitals. It is not likely it would be your hymen causing it, there is a lot of myths about it going around, but it is essentially a think in-complete membrane, that does not have nerve endings so it by itself shouldn’t be painful. But any pain is still something that should be checked by a healthcare provider. When you say you can’t drive to get it checked, does that mean you can’t access a doctor by yourself? Would maybe your friends or family be able to help you with that?

As for sexually transmitted diseases, it is highly unlikely you could have contracted one if your ex partner didn’t have sex with anybody else. While you are right that HPV can cause warts on feet or hands, those are different kinds of HPV. The sexually transmitted ones can affect only mucous membranes (so mouth, anus or vagina), and all kinds are also localised so that you have some on your feet does not mean it is anywhere else on your body. Does that make sense?

But more importantly, I wanted to emphasize that there is nothing humiliating or disgusting about having a sexually transmitted disease, just like there isn’t anything humiliating about catching a common cold or stomach flu. I really like this excert from this advice column that speaks more on the topic of STDs and shame I feel dirty and irresponsible because of genital herpes):

"I want to make sure you know that illness, of any kind, is rarely about people being “dirty.” Even when you use the word “clean” here, that supports that idea. It’s such a pity that language is so often used when people test/are negative for things, a term I’d suggest you swap out⁠ “clean” for. People without certain infections or diseases aren’t automatically “clean” – they’re just people who don’t have certain infections and diseases, or who, in tests, have had negative results when tested for them. How clean or not someone is has nothing to do with this, just like how “dirty” someone is or isn’t.

The idea that sexually transmitted illness, specifically, is about anyone being “dirty” is really about ignorance, misinformation and social stigma, not about science or medical facts. Very unfortunately, and quite maddeningly, we have a long cultural history of stigma around STIs being cultivated primarily out of the desire⁠ for social control. In other words, the idea that scaring people about sexually transmitted illness, or shaming people about it, will make it more likely for them to only have the kinds of sex, or sex in the kinds of contexts or relationships, other people want them to have because of their own personal beliefs, which they feel are superior to different beliefs others may have."

Does reading that help?

(I’m also adding an article about pelvic pain and another about HPV, if more information on those topics would be helpful: What's Pelvic Pain and What Can I Do About It?
The STI Files: Human Papillomavirus (HPV))

[choklot_mose]

i don't have my licence to drive on my own, but one of my friends does. The other issue is my parents tracking my location, i figure i can wait until i get my license and go but i'm not sure. The article extract does make sense, thank you.

[lilikoi]

Hi there choklot_mose,

I wrote you back in the other thread! As we talked about in the other post, your past relationship sounds like it was really impactful to you You are not damaged or infectious! A past sexual history is a part of being a sexual person. It could be useful to talk this through in therapy now that you have a new part of your life to adapt to. Given that your doctor has given you the medical all clear, I wonder if this is really more relevant for psychotherapy related to your OCD. Pelvic pain can be associated with sexual trauma as mentioned in the article that Andy linked above. If so, psychotherapy or somatic therapy can help your body recover.