Sexual shame while being gay and religious

[blanketlover]

Hello, I would really like to address a problem i have been dealing with for about 1-2 years now.

For a while I have been experiencing a lot of sexual shame from these years and i probably have a few reasons why I feel like this. When i was fourteen i had a sexual awakening of some kind while I was watching a movie and that night i could barely sleep at all. It was the movie red white and royal blue and and there was a scene where the two main characters have sex with each other and pretty much after I went to bed I could not stop thinking about that scene and i even fantasized about what it would be like if it was me with another woman and I did really like it at the time! But by the morning, I felt anxious after that and immediately went on sexual health sites for teens but it didn't do a good job at taking off the anxiety i was feeling. Even when I went outside that day i felt so consumed from that scene and it was pretty much all i could think about.

Pretty much after that i couldn't stop thinking about sex which i know is normal for someone my age to be like, but the constant sexual thinking made me feel overwhelmed and shameful or guilty specifically that the sexual thoughts i was having was between me and other woman (mostly fictional or that i had made up in my head).

Not so long after i was having crushes on girls in all clubs or third spaces i got to and thought about what having sex would be like with them and getting aroused by it nut i slowly started feeling lots of shame around that to to the point I started completely avoiding them and also to an extreme to where i had to leave a club for one of them. I have tried to avoid having sexual fantasies about girls but i cant help myself and not to be dramatic it has been taring my life apart these past years and there is barely anyone i can talk to since everyone in my family feels so hush hush about it

I would also like to say that I am muslim to just for clarification on my religion.

From this year 2025 i have just been feeling sexual shame at its worst these days. I feel like i can't look at other women or girls due to the fear of being attracted by them and wondering why i can't like boys instead. I have avoided going to social gatherings and going out side because again due to my fear of sexual attraction and being "horny". I have not been able to make friends as well and I have also been scared that i might hurt others or commit sexual assault and i had to go do counseling because that is how sever it was.

I have a few reasons on why i have become like this and i will show you them now

1. I never really had a good foundation on sexuality
-such as when i was younger i was told stories about rapists and sexual violence and this scared me a lot and having fear most of the time and whenever sex was brought up around my family it was only to talk about prostitutes, sex workers and rapists

2. Being exposed to sexual content at a young age
-i had watched very R rated films with my family's cousins when i was very young and even though i had covered my eyes whenever something sexual was on it still affected me badly.
I also had unsupervised internet access which lead me to moderate sexual videos that would have references to porn(although i have never watched it).

3.Lack of social life
-I have been homeschooled in my teen years so i don't talk to much people and this may have something to do with it im not sure.

Today I feel constant shame or tiredness when i fantasize or feel horny and i am very clueless on what to do. I can't watch any sexual content anymore or even things that aren't in a sexual context (such as nudity) and i have tried liking the opposite gender but nothing works and i cant stand the fact that i am sexual and nothing can change that so if you could please help me.

[mikky]

Hey blanketlover, glad you are here. To start, I want to acknowledge that the amount of shame and anxiety that you are feeling around sexuality sounds very exhausting and difficult. I hope you can lend yourself a lot of patience and kindness.

To be very clear, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having sexual fantasies and desires about other girls, whether those girls are real or fictional. I am concerned about the different ways you are trying to control or suppress these desires and feelings by limiting your social life and your connections with others. Because there simply is no way to get rid of these feelings, by attempting to do so, it seems like your anxiety has become quite powerful against you.

When you went to counseling about your worries of sexually harming others, was that helpful? What did you speak about/work on in counseling?
I also want to address these factors you’ve listed. These do seem like they have been very impactful on creating a lot of shame in your life and in your mind. I think a few things might be helpful here:

• Acknowledging that we cannot get rid of or totally control thoughts and desires

• Accepting that there is nothing wrong with the sexual thoughts and desires that you experience

• Exploring ways to let go of and address shame: let’s start here, and see what comes up: Undoing Sexual Shame

[blanketlover]

Thank you for the response and the article. I can't necessarily give you many details on my counselling since they have a privacy policy but it was muslim counseling that i was doing. I talked more about my fear of sexually assaulting others and was given some good resources that helped a lot and they did tell me that me fantasizing about other girls is fine for puberty but they didn't really speak up much on the whole fantasizing thing (since it was religious i guess?) except saying it was normal for now. They probably tried to avoid such conversations on sexuality since they didn't want it to look like conversion therapy or something like that but i was also told that i was being tested by God, which did make me feel uneasy but it's not like i want to leave my religion, i just want to try and accept myself.

[char]

Hi blanketlover, thanks for providing more info about the counseling! That definitely gave more context to what's going on, because a religion-oriented mental health service is going to be different from secular/nonreligious ones. I'm glad that mikky's response has been helpful.

As someone who was raised in similar circumstances as yours (I was born into a Muslim family in a country with the largest Muslim population in the world), I can imagine what you're going through and I'm sorry to hear that you've been having a hard time navigating your sexuality. I feel like due to a lot of reasons, the dynamics of being Muslim and queer isn't talked much in anglophone/English-speaking media even though there are lot of folks who fit into this category (especially where I live). Which is unfortunate, because these two identities do not cancel each other out; one can be Muslim and queer. Your discomfort is completely valid, and you've probably witnessed this before from sermons or discussions on social media: some Muslims strongly view experiencing queer attraction and gender dysphoria (for trans folks) as a "test from God" that must be overcome, but to others it's less about the attraction and gender experience and more about controlling/managing sexual desire (nafs). While I no longer practice this religion that I was raised with, I am familiar with these talking points--including the belief that being queer is sinful--and I know multiple folks around me, online and in real life, who navigate this dynamic as well.

We have an article about being a religious queer person, which focuses on the experiences of folks of multiple faiths (including Islam): Queer, Devout, and In Between: Navigating Sexuality and Spirituality as a Young Person. The article also mentions Muslims of Progressive Values, which is an organization whose scope of work is exactly what it says on the tin. Do you think it would be helpful for you to connect with fellow Muslims who are also in this journey or have experienced this? I'm happy to look up some resources for you, if that's what you prefer.

All in all, you are not alone!

[blanketlover]

Thank you so much for the articles! This definitely put me in a better mood of seeing other queer muslims like myself. and yes i would definitely would be happy to connect with other gay muslims too who understand what im going through. I also have had a hard time with the whole nafs thing and controlling myself made me feel like i was my own enemy, but those articles were nice thank you again. And yes it would be nice if you sent some more resources.

[maille]

I am so glad char's response was helpful!

I am here to reiterate everything they and mikky have said. What you are experiencing is common among religious folks. It doesn't mean you have to abandon any part of your identity, specifically religion or sexual identity, either. They are not mutually exclusive.

I do not know of a lot of Muslim resources off the bat, which is a gap in my knowledge that needs to be corrected, so thank you for helping me identify that. However, we do have this article on religion and sexuality which many readers find helpful.

Give that a read and let us know what you think!

[blanketlover]

Again, thank you all of you for the articles and helpful tips but I wanted to address another issue that I'm not sure on. Most of the time when I'm fantasizing its usually when I'm going to bed and it has caused me lack of sleep and feeling tired in the morning. I'm not sure if this happens because i felt guilty or if it actually causes me to lack sleep. But I don't do it a lot due to the shame i feel so if you could please help me with this? I also read the article you sent me which was nice but I did wish I could find more articles on Islam and sexuality rather than Christianity.

[Straif]

Hi blanketlover,
Happy to pop in here with some resources coming from other queer Muslim folks. There is so much good stuff out there, but unfortunately it tends to get lost in the shuffle in U.S.-centric media that focuses on Christianity.

I recommend Hidayah as a place to start. They are U.K.-based, but they do direct support in both the U.S. and U.K., and they have a wonderful resource library that includes books, videos, academic articles, their blog, and their podcast. You can find it here https://hidayahlgbt.com/wellbeing/

I also want to address your question about fantasizing before sleeping. It's very normal for folks to fantasize during these times, and there is good evidence that fantasizing and masturbation can help with sleep and stress relief. As you've already figured out, sexual shame undermines those potential benefits. And, as you were discussing with Charis, religious frameworks that position desire and fantasy (especially queer desire) as a test of faith valorizes "fighting" these thoughts. So, my question for you is whether you feel like it's the thoughts themselves or the shame-based resistance to them keeping you awake?

[blanketlover]

I think its the thoughts themselves or that they feel like they are too wild and sexual in a way. Or maybe the fact this is something very new. Like I said in my first post that when I couldn't stop thinking about the sex scene from the movie and fantasizing about it and barely getting any sleep. I also have vague memories of when I would accidentally access sexual material at a young age or when I would watch very 18+ movies with my cousins and these sexual scenes would keep me awake at night when I went to bed but i feel the shame usually when I wake up in the morning like I had done something forbidden. I also would remember staying awake on things such as sexual assault and rape because I thought in my mind I was raising awareness for myself but it just made me feel more anxious about sexual abuse. I just didn't know how much of an affect it would have in me.

[Becky]

Hi blanketlover!

Just to get some clarity, can you say a bit more about this part that you wrote:

I also would remember staying awake on things such as sexual assault and rape because I thought in my mind I was raising awareness for myself but it just made me feel more anxious about sexual abuse.

Are you saying that when you try to fall asleep at night you start thinking about your fantasies but then that turns into you thinking about sexual assault and rape? Because I can understand how that would keep you up at night-- those are pretty scary things to think about and I think it is normal that you would feel some anxiety while thinking about that.

You mentioned that you were told many stories of rape and sexual assault from a young age. Was it your parents telling you these things? Do you think it was done to scare you or were they trying to "protect" you from people who might cause you harm?

In the meantime, if this thoughts are keeping you up at night and interfering with your sleep then we can definitely talk about some tactics to clear your mind and hopefully get you a good night's sleep.

Have you tried using a meditation app? Or even a YouTube video with a guided meditation? What I like about meditation is you begin to learn the practice of acknowledging your thoughts and letting them go. So there's no shame in thoughts about sex or sexual fantasies coming into your mind you just say, "I see you, but I won't think about this right now." and send the thought on it's way.

A similar trick I will use, if you can't access a guided meditation, is to start counting backwards from 100 . If I get distracted by an intrusive thought, I acknowledge it, send it on it's way, and then start over counting backwards.

You could also try reading a comforting book before bed or just listening to white noise like rain or ocean sounds. Sometimes just giving the brain something else to focus on helps keep your mind from spiraling before bed.

How do these techniques sound to you? Do they feel like something you could try?

[blanketlover]

Hello thank you so much again. I don't know how to explain it really. I wouldn't say that I fantasize then i would think about sexual assault. It's more like I would just fantasize and feel tired and guilty when i wake up . I also don't think i really think about assault at night anymore. I did tend to have dreams where I suffer from sexual assault and they would scare me. Idk maybe it's because of my past history of sexuality I believed that I could never fall into those things (such as having sex or masturbating) even though they kept me up at night. I even use to identify as aroace at the time.

About the whole stories thing I think my family members wanted to protect me rather than scare or hurt me but it still left an effect. Also with the meditation techniques, the counting down technique sound similar to the ones I've been given thanks to my counselling. I will try and do these if i can but I do like the one where you try to count backwards.

[maille]

Hi, blanketlover,

I am glad you have found some help here on Scarleteen's boards.

It makes a whole lot of sense that dreams about experiencing assault would be distressing and keep you up at night. I am so sorry you are experiencing these things. It doesn't sound like there is a threat making you fearful, just the dreams. Is that right? One thing people can find helpful is listing reasons you are safe. This may look like waking up from a dream and listing out that a trusted adult is home with you, your door is locked, etc. Do you think this is something that might help reduce that scared feeling after these dreams, allowing you to fall back into rest more easily?

[blanketlover]

Hello again. I would like to say that there are no threats involved and more of me just having the scary thoughts and dreams that I'm having. I also tried out the whole counting back thing and it did help a little bit. I have heard of the whole sending the thought on it's way and it does help sometimes. Reassuring myself that I am safe could help i think in a way and i have done it before in other situations. It's called "Thought challenging" and it was vey useful for me!

[amber]

Hi blanketlover !

I am so glad those resources/techniques have been helpful to you - with a lot of those practices it can take people some time to have them feel useful so how great that you are already feeling the benefit!

The stress and anxiety of those scary dreams can certainly be causing distress, even with no 'threat' in your life. I also wonder if your worry and stress surrounding the sexual thoughts you are experiencing is only amplifying the bad dreams and anxious thoughts. Would you say that sounds true?

What are some things that do bring you joy and allow you to de-stress? I think maybe focusing on uplifting yourself and distressing in other ways (along with the techniques you discussed above) can allow your body to relax enough to start thinking about your sexual identity again. How do you feel about that?

[blanketlover]

Hi! I am very glad from the resources that you have given to me so thank you again. I don't necessarily have many scary dreams more so on scary thoughts. And yes I would definitely say that my anxiety around the sexual thoughts and sexuality can amplify the bad dreams and anxious thinking because when I started having these sexual thoughts I did somewhat believe I was bad for this.

About the things that give me joy I'm not very sure on it since I don't have many hobbies at least from drawing and listening which does make me happy. I have been trying to find other hobbies its just I usually don't have the time to, (because of exams and school work) or I don't have any friends I can do these hobbies with, which can be isolating such as going out which I have tried doing on my own but always feel bad after. I just need to find one and stick to it I think because a really don't have many.

The music listening thing can be a bit complicated tho, since I can get anxious or uneasy or uncomfortable whenever the lyrics in the song can be sexual.

[amber]

Have you ever listened to instrumental music? I found an artist years ago that I loved studying to which shocked me because I had never listened to music without words before. Exploring new music, that is not triggering, can also be a fun distraction!

I don't think harping on what you arnt doing (major hobbies, spending time with people,etc.) is as helpful as focusing on the things you do like to do. Draw more and dive into music! It is not easy but putting ourselves down because we are not where we want to be is never good. Offer yourself some grace - I for one am jealous that you love to draw, what a fun and rewarding hobby that must be!

[blanketlover]

Thank you for the feedback and reassurance. I really should be a lot more easy on myself than I am most of the time. I have listen to instrumental music before and I do think it can be good. I will try and draw more if I can.

[Tara]

I hope we have all been helpful for you, blanketlover! You are doing great and I do believe you will get to a place of healing and recovery. Let us know how your hobbies are going and if you need anything else. : )

[blanketlover]

I would like to sincerely thank you all again since you have really helped me a lot with something that has been bringing me down for almost two years and I will try and update on my hobbies if I can :DD

[mikky]

I just wanted to drop a few more resources for you:

https://www.themasgd.org/ is the Muslim Alliance for Sexual and Gender Diversity. They have online programming and community events as well as a warmline! I don't know if it is accessible from the UK, but all their offerings seem really valuable.

The beautiful memoir We Have Always Been Here, by Samra Habib

And this article on historical queerness in Islam: https://historicallywoman.wordpress.com ... -pleasure/

[blanketlover]

thanks again, that article was very informative!

[KierC]

You are so welcome! Feel free to let us know if any more questions come up, or if you need more support with anything! We’re here for you. <3

[blanketlover]

is it okay if i can use this for more questions because i think i still might have some.

[Becky]

Hi blanketlover!

Of course! What's on your mind?

[blanketlover]

I really want to understand my sleeping problems while fantasizing because I still feel very unsure about it. I have tried out the counting back from 100 technique but I'm not sure if it helped but I'm yet to do meditation for it. I'm also not sure if I explained the whole sleep problem thing properly because it feels like its a mix of all things listed that may cause me to not sleep very well after fantasizing such as thinking about sexual assault after fantasizing or just feel loads of shame when I wake up. While I don't get the best sleep always (and this is mostly due to me being on the screen and sleeping late) fantasizing just makes it worse like I've said before. I can sometimes end up waking at the middle of the night after sexual fantasies or even dreams and feel very tried and regretful in the morning. I also remember when I was young when I did access some very strong sexual media and it kept me awake for a long time so did it happen in other times when I saw this type of content and it still happens to me today. I don't know if it is because i get excited or i just go into some kind of shock from past experiences.