I don’t feel anything on my clitoris and I dont get aroused.

[Cheesecake142]

Hi, im 18 and i know everyone talks about how they feel sensation on their clit but i don’t. It just feels weird and not pleasurable. I have no interest in masturbating this way but I just want to be normal. I don’t even get aroused that much. Like TikToks of girls saying when they ovulate they’re horny but I don’t feel like this at all. When I do it takes a lot of pressure and kegels I guess? I don’t know. Is something wrong with me, im not on medications or birth controls.

[amber]

Hi Cheesecake142!

I want to start off by saying that there is no normal when it comes to sexuality. There is no standard of interests, desires, or pleasure. Still, it sounds like you are interested in experiencing something more when masturbating. The most important sex organ is our brains. If you are stressed about trying to do the right thing to feel good, it may be your mind which is getting in the way. These articles may be a good jumping off point to lessen that stress and allow masturbation to be a fun exploration rather than a task to get done.

Take a Self-Love Road Trip: Let Curiosity Guide Your Masturbation

How Do You Masturbate?


I also want to touch on another thing you brought up. TikTok and other online spaces frequently spread misinformation about sex. I have also seen this wave of people talking about ovulation 'hornyness'. Although their experiences are valid, I think it has become more of a 'meme' of sorts than descriptions of actual feelings. Our desires and arousal is constantly changing and may come in waves or cycles, but I would not worry about not feeling this internet-induced 'symptom' of ovulation. Does that make sense?

[Cheesecake142]

Yes, it does make sense. I guess it’s true many people tend to lie online. I just feel bad because my boyfriend and I occasionally dry hump with clothing due to not being ready for sex and I can’t seem to get aroused enough to feel anything. I feel bad because I don’t want to disappoint him or make him think I don’t love him. But I feel a lot different than he does. Sorry if this is tmi!

[Latha]

Hi Cheesecake142! No worries, this isn't too much information. It is exactly the sort of concern we are here to help with.

If your boyfriend was disappointed to learn that you are not feeling much from sex right now or worried that you don't love him, he would be mistaken. The solution would be for you to tell him what you know-- that loving someone is only a part of what can make physical intimacy and sex feel good. If you want to reassure him, you could say that you do care for him, that this isn't his fault, and that if you do think of some change on his part that could help, you will tell him. As I see it, having a more complete picture of how sexual pleasure works can only help him. It is quite possible that there will be times in his life where he feels as you do now.

I want to echo what Amber said to you earlier about being normal--there really isn't such a thing, because human beings are so diverse. You don't have to be like other people with sex, but there are almost certainly people who share your experiences. It is good to experiment, but if you are not feeling much interest in an activity like clitoral masturbation or partnered sex, you don't have to do it. Try to recognize your desires as they are, and explore more of what feels good without pressuring yourself to have certain responses.

[Heather]

I want to also add that dry humping -- if you are doing it from a place of exploring and expressing your sexuality -- IS sex. Anything we do to explore and express our sexuality is, not just intercourse.

I say that because what any of us likes or doesn't, are turned on by or are not, feel satisfied by or don't sexually varies so much, as has already been mentioned here. So, maybe dry humping isn't sex that is particularly exciting for you, and maybe that means you should try other things you feel comfortable doing. Or, maybe you need to change up and experiment with the *way* you are doing that to find out what feels good. Maybe you need to talk about this to help find things that feel good to you both. Penis in vagina intercourse, by itself, is often not very satisfying for people with vaginas (or people with penises, honestly, if and when that is all that is happening), so if you have the idea that if you just did that, everyone would be satisfied, know that would be unusual. Instead, what usually = sexual satisfaction for people with a partner are things like strong feelings of attraction and connection, creativity, fun, and often a lot of communication, before, during and after, for people to work out what they like and how to do whatever it is they do together in ways that feel good for both people. <3

I also want to check in and ask how you feel about your boyfriend sexually: is this something you want as a sexual relationship, because of strong feelings of sexual desire or excitement about him? Or is that something he wants that you agreed to without knowing if that's something you really wanted (or want now) or not? There are lots of ways to love and feel connected to someone, and often we will love people but not have sexual feelings about them.

[Cheesecake142]

I do enjoy it sometimes. Some days I feel better others I don’t. I feel like I have more love for him than I do anything sexual. I truly just enjoy spending time with him. So if I don’t finish and he does I just feel bad, really. I would say that dry humping is probably exciting for the both of us as we are both virgins (and teenagers, bound to explore by nature) but most of the time its probably more enjoyable for him because he feels more than I do. and that’s why I was a little worried, because I can’t really feel turned on as much as him. He’s got a higher libido than I and I feel my drive will never increase.

[Heather]

Thanks for filling us in.

Am I getting it right that you're saying you don't really have big sexual feelings for this person? If I am, can I ask why you are in a sexual relationship with them? Is that about what you want, or is that only something you are in with them because it's what they want? Do you feel like you have to be in a sexual relationship for him to want to spend time with you? Might it be better for you to spend time with them in other ways/kinds of relationship that feel more aligned with your feelings?

I ask all of this because if and when we aren't actually into someone sexually, and we don't feel real desire for them, it's pretty unlikely anything is going to feel good or that we are going to feel the desire to be sexual with that person (and that can also impact how much desire we even feel solo). Having little to no feelings of sexual desire with someone when you're not into them in a big way sexually isn't surprising: it's how this usually works. But more important than that, it generally isn't emotionally good for us to be being sexual with someone when that isn't actually what we feel or want. That can even be damaging to us long-term, including to how we experience our sexuality as a whole.

[Cheesecake142]

I do and don’t at the same time. My body gives me signs of arousal but im still young i just feel like im really not at my peak yet. I just feel that a relationship shouldn’t always be centered around sexual attraction, it is a factor and i am attracted to him a lot but i just don’t feel like that is a part of my problem. Initially I just worry that in the future I won’t be able to feel
pleasure as other girls my age do. I can’t even use a tampon because it feels like there’s a wall.

[Latha]

Hello Cheesecake142,

It is completely fair for you to want a relationship that isn't always centered on sexual attraction. Even if you are feeling some attraction to your partner, that doesn't mean you have to have sex if it isn't feeling good for you. It would be okay if you decided to do less of that, or not to do it at all. Is that something you would want in your relationship?

I wouldn't worry that you won't ever be able to feel pleasure in the future. We hear from many people--girls your age included--who describe their experiences just as you do, and they go on to develop pleasurable relationships with their bodies. You are far from alone, nor are you behind or late in learning to feel good in this way.

If you want, we could advise on the wall you've noticed when trying to use a tampon, and also talk about how you could explore physical pleasure if that is something you want for yourself right now. But that last bit is key. Having sex that regularly leaves you feeling bad or doing it because it is what you should be doing seems like a lot of pressure, and that can't be making it easier to figure out what feels good for you.