Was this abuse? (I feel like a monster, pls help)

[yamaha.ana]

When I was 8 or 9, I kissed someone who younger than me by 6 years. I only recently remembered this and it’s been on my mind all day. All I remember is that it started off as a game and led to that (it never occurred more than once). I didn’t know what sex was until the age of the 10 or 11 but at that age all I knew was kissing is wrong. I feel like a bad person and I’m really not sure how to keep on going knowing that I did that and I feel as though researching things on the internet has made it worse. I’m not sure if I should approach a therapist regarding this.

[Heather]

Hi there.

It sounds like what you know about child-on-child sexual abuse you know from social media or dubious internet sources, which does a terrible job with something so complex and nuanced. Social media approaches to this also often completely ignore the fact that sexual curiosity is normal for children, and doing things like kissing out of that curiosity is, too. If you haven't read this piece here yet, I hope you will: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/c ... if-it-does

That piece can fill you in more on the dynamics -- which is much more important than the actions themselves -- at play with sexual abuse, and how, even with children, the kinds of criteria we apply to figure out if something is abuse apply here. I don't hear anything here that suggests you were trying to harm or overpower anyone, nor that you were doing anything against anyone's will or with any kind of coercion. This sounds to me like a curious child who didn't know about boundaries (and may also have not gotten any kind of education around this from parents).

If you feel like the support of a therapist would help you with this, then by all means, that's something you could seek one out for. But just feeling upset for one day, and because of reading things on the internet, is also something that sounds very reactive and fresh, and that will likely settle down for you once you take in some better information and do some things to help calm yourself down. How about taking the time to read that link and then to do something to take good care of yourself?

[yamaha.ana]

Hi, thank you for responding.
Its been at the back of my mind for a few days now and it all came crashing down today. Mostly it’s the difference in age that’s doing my head in. Part of me views my younger self as malicious (even though I know that I didn’t have malicious intent at the time, if that makes sense) and I feel like a bad person trying to rationalise bad choices.

[Heather]

I understand.

I think that you can trust yourself here. You seem very clear you know you did not mean to do any harm, so I think you can be sure that is true, and trust yourself -- yourself now, but also your 8-year-old self. Like I said, while sexual abuse between children is relatively uncommon, children being curious about and exploring touch tends to be a given. <3

[yamaha.ana]

Hi, again
thanks for your response. it really helped me through this evening and I feel alot less worse.

[yamaha.ana]

Hi, I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to return back to the same post about the same issue but i’m here again. I’ve really been struggling with guilt surrounding this issue despite knowing i’m not an abuser or anything , I still just feel like an evil person. I would appreciate any help or advice please

[Tara]

Hi, yamaha.ana:

I am sorry that this is still lingering in your mind and creating guilt. I do agree with and reiterate Heather's points above that this was something you should give yourself grace for, and not consider sexual abuse, because you were a child, had the innocence of a child, and because your intentions were not mailicious. But, because this is something that is clearly bothering you and if you feel it is not going to de-escalate, you might want to look into talking to a therapist about it, or someone you trust that you can go into detail with if you wish to talk it through. Do you have access to therapy?

Again, I would like to help alleviate your guilt and concerns by restating Heather's thoughts above, but if that is not helping to make you feel better, then talking it through with someone objective may be the next step.

[yamaha.ana]

Hi, thank you for your response. I do have access to a therapist and have told her about it. She basically reiterated what you said (so thank you for that). I’m currently just trying to accept that and remove the situation from the forefront of my mind, so I can stop beating myself up about it. But I am doing better than I was when this was posted, i’m just dealing with regret. But thank you again for your response.

[lilikoi]

Hi there,

We are happy to help! Like Heather said, considering the lack of education children receive about touch and bodies and boundaries, this type of distress and discomfort is bound to happen. Glad to hear that you are working towards being gentle with yourself!