Am I being dramatic?

[ribbons?]

A few weeks ago, my friend did something inappropriate as a joke; I knew this behavior could trigger me so I told her I have sexual trauma and she needs to stop. She did stop, and nothing came up again until yesterday.

Yesterday she made a sex joke about me, which I’d normally put up with, but this particular joke also made me feel worried about being triggered. I told her again that I have sexual trauma. She basically said “what, do you think I’m going to assault you?” And today she brought it up again, basically implying that I always have a problem with something, that I am too sensitive — my mom calls this being a “snowflake:” too sensitive or dramatic about everything.

It made me feel really gross and nauseous. It also made me worry I’m not traumatized enough because my sexual trauma is very minor and I would not refer to the situation as sexual abuse or assault. Calling myself sexually traumatized is very new for me and now I feel like I’m “wrong.”

I don’t really know what to do. I’m too scared to confront my friend about it, and what if she’s right? Maybe I’m asking too much or asking her to cater to my every whim. I was trying to brush it off, but since it came up again today I just want to talk it out, to be honest.

[Latha]

Hello Ribbons,

Your friend is not right, and you are not being dramatic. It is okay to think of your experiences as trauma--that is just the word for the effect they had on you. You should have been able to make this small request with your friend and I'm sorry to hear that it hasn't worked out too well.

Let's consider how this interaction could have gone differently: If I told a friend I trust that the subject of one their jokes was too close to a triggering subject for me, they would simply stop. I can't imagine there being hard feelings, with them questioning what I thought of their character or whether my trauma was worthy of consideration. They would know that accidents happen and that my request isn't a judgement of them. They would only be glad that I communicated about how I felt, because they wouldn't want to hurt me further.

In order for someone to respond this way, they would have to recognize two things. The first is that we cannot completely avoid hurting people in life. Sometimes, despite our best intentions and how scary it can be to think about, we cause harm. The second is that communicating kindly and honestly goes a long way towards making that less likely, and repairing harm when it does happen.

I don't know your friend, but when I hear her response to your request, it sounds like she is uncomfortable with the thought that she could have said something hurtful to you. It might be destabilizing to her understanding of herself as a good person and friend. So, she's framed your reaction as the problem instead.

Something similar may be happening with your mother when she says you are too sensitive. If she acknowledged that your feelings are important or how your trauma has impacted you, she would have to consider how to respond as a parent. She might have to change the way she treats you now, or consider that she should've done something differently in the past. That is complicated to think about--you being too sensitive about everything might be an easier picture to handle. And I would understand if you were feeling sensitive about everything in this context. As Heather touched on in your last thread, trauma can be a response to not having your feelings recognized and respected.

Even if there was no particular trauma in the picture, it would be okay for you to ask your friend not to make jokes about sexual topics related to you. Especially when a joke involves you directly, it should ideally be something you enjoy participating in. Otherwise, she is just making fun of you instead of having a fun experience with you.

How does this sound to you? It is fair to want to talk this out with your friend. It will be a sensitive discussion, so I would recommend the advice in our article on conflict resolution.

[ribbons?]

I have really mixed feelings about everything, to be honest. I try to let myself think of it as trauma but I always imagine sexual assault survivors would be offended that I am doing so because what most people go through is so much worse; this reaction is irrational considering every SA survivor I’ve ever talked to about it has been very kind to me and never once suggested they had it harder or that I did not have the right to call myself sexually traumatized. I can’t really help feeling like an imposter though.

I really don’t want my friend to say anything about it again, but I’m so afraid to talk to her about it. She doesn’t take anything seriously and just brushes things off and makes fun of me. I honestly feel stupid for telling her I’m sexually traumatized at all — I’ve hardly told anyone. I feel stuck because I worry a lot about her bringing it up again, but I don’t know if I want to risk bringing it up myself because she might get defensive again.

I don’t know if she was upset with herself for hurting me; it’s possible. Mostly she just made me feel like I was irritating her. Maybe I just need to toughen up? I can’t really expect every person I meet to be understanding about this, can I?

It’s also making me anxious because she’s coming to my house in a few days and I worry she will make a joke about it in front of my parents. My parents don’t know I consider what happened to me to be traumatic and I don’t want to talk about it with them at all.

I’m mostly just praying she doesn’t mention it again. I feel disillusioned about her, though, because I did not know she would be so insensitive.

[maille]

Heyo! I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

Trauma is something that happens to us that should never happen. This can include any unwanted sexual contact or attention. I think you are well within your means to label this as a trauma if that is what feels most comfortable to you. In fact, many people I have spoken to that have experienced sexual trauma often diminish their own experiences in an effort to make space for others'. I say this to tell you that by no means are you being dramatic, irrational or in the minority. The truth is that there is space for all of survivors' voices.

I don't think it is the case that you need to toughen up here. It sounds like, from what you have shared, your boundaries have been crossed in the past, and this friend is doing that again. And no, you can not expect every person to understand, but you are in control of who you let into your life, and maybe that doesn't include people who disrespect your boundaries about sexual gestures and jokes.

Do you think you can try to set a firm boundary before she comes over? Maybe say something like 'I'd love for you to come over, however I am not comfortable with xyz". How does this all sound?