my mom is weird about me being gay

[aliengirl]

My mom has known that I am gay for quite a bit of time. I think I’ve told her I had a crush on a girl back in 2022? I don’t even know why I did that. I probably shouldn’t have but I’m safe.

After that, occasionally she would ask if I had a crush on any boys, specifically a boy. Which I of course had no answer for. I would just try and change the topic.

It’s kind of weird because I knew that she knew that I was gay. She probably did not think that I would end up this way. Maybe she has some “hope” that it was just a fluke?? I don’t know.

April 2025, she goes through my phone. Kind of my fault because I didn’t lock it correctly and my girlfriend (at the time) had sent a rather promiscuous message.

My mom flips out (reasonably). The weird part is she wasn’t really bothered by the s*xting part but by the fact it was from a girl and not a boy.

I didn’t realize the extent to which she had gone through my phone. Which included my reddit account with every sensitive thing under the moon— questions about coitus.

Now I can’t use reddit for anything because she’s like a CIA sleep agent and she’ll 100% find my account.

October 2025, we cry and she gives this big speech about how she’ll love me no matter what. But then she adds “just don’t become a spinster”— as in someone who does not get married.

She still continues to talk about my future husband. Which is definitely not happening.

It just feels completely redundant to cry over loving me no matter what and then reverting to your old ways. I don’t want to fight over it though, at least I’m safe.

[Heather]

Hi there, aliengirl. I'm sorry to hear that it sounds like your mother simply isn't accepting that you're gay, and also is violating your privacy.

Have you ever set any boundaries with your mother before about anything? If so, how did that go? I ask because I think the first thing you need to try and do here is set some with her around some of this: a boundary about her looking through your phone or other things where you want privacy, and a boundary around any talk about you potentially being with men in the future.

[aliengirl]

Hiya,

I have tried to set boundaries, specifically pertaining to talking about romantic and sexual relationships. But it always pops up once in a while, to kind of “trigger” me I guess. I don’t think that there’s much that I can do to change this because I feel so guilty saying that I’m gay. I just can’t get myself to say the word or admit it, even though she knows. We honestly have a really great relationship, at least it’s way better than the relationship she has with her mom. I love her a lot.

It’s not regular for my parents to check my phone, that’s the only time my mom has ever checked my phone. The notification just so happened to wake my phone up before it could automatically shut down. I personally think I get a lot more privacy than some of my peers do, which I’m quite grateful for.

[Latha]

Hello Aliengirl,

I am glad to hear that your mother doesn't make a habit of violating your privacy, and that you have a great relationship with her generally. It is unfortunate that despite that, she has responded to you coming out in a way that has left you feeling so guilty. You have done nothing wrong. You can love her and appreciate that your relationship with her is better than the ones your peers have with their parents or the one she had with hers, while still recognizing that she has hurt you and isn't respecting your boundaries here.

Do you think it would be possible to hold a boundary around talking about relationships without getting into the subject of your orientation? Could you remind your mother that you don't want to talk about it, or make a habit of excusing yourself from the conversation with she does?

Also, you've mentioned before that your mother would find your reddit account if you had one. Just to check, do you feel safe posting here?

[aliengirl]

Hi

Funny thing is… today I had one of these conversations with her. I did the latter and just told her that I don’t have a crush on anyone, when she specifically asked if I had a crush on a boy. I think I can smoothly handle these conversations now!

I don’t think I was too bothered today. I’m kind of sleepy. I feel safe posting here :3

[Latha]

Oh, it's great that you handled that conversation without trouble and that you didn't feel bothered about it! We want this to be a safe space, so I'm happy to hear that you feel safe posting here. <3