Ace but Questioning

[Aceofhearts]

So, I think I'm ace, more specifically an aegosexual (someone who fantasizes and engage in sexual content, but no real action or attraction). And recently, I have came out as a Biromantic. Now, knowing how I am attracted to women in some way, I began questioning my asexuality.
I always knew I was ace-spec but didn't label myself as such until about a year and a half ago. And I think I have some ace elements, I don't really get how sex can be so important. But, now I'm wondering if I'm really sexually attracted to women, and only labeled myself as ace because I didn't have attraction to men and didn't think about being sapphic.
Now, here's the hard part. While whenever I fantasize, I only really fantasize about the woman. Only imagining the woman's body. But I don't find sapphic sex to be appealing, finding heterosexual acts as more exciting.
Maybe I still qualify as an ace or a bisexual, as I know that everyone has a different experience, but I still wonder if there's an explanation for it.

[Becky]

Hi Aceofhearts! Welcome to the boards!

It's totally ok to be questioning your asexuality! In fact, here at Scarleteen (and across most sexual health organizations) we think that Questioning is a sexuality/sexual identity all on its own. It's ok to not have yourself totally figured out, especially (and I promise I don't mean to be patronizing) at such a young age. Sexual identity is a thing a lot of people don't "figure out" until they are much older and it often changes as we age and grow.

Speaking of you being so young, something else that is important to keep in mind is that a lot of teenagers don't experience sexual attraction until their mid to late teens. Now, I'm not saying you aren't asexual-- you might be! That's up to you to figure out and decide. But it's also possible that you are just young! Developmentally, it's very normal for our sexual curiosity/interest in other people to take some time to show up.

But, now I'm wondering if I'm really sexually attracted to women, and only labeled myself as ace because I didn't have attraction to men and didn't think about being sapphic.
Now, here's the hard part. While whenever I fantasize, I only really fantasize about the woman. Only imagining the woman's body. But I don't find sapphic sex to be appealing, finding heterosexual acts as more exciting.

What you're describing here is something we call "heteronormativity". Meaning that we live in a world/society where heterosexuality (or being "straight") is assumed to be the default. This means we end up with a lot of ideas or scripts about what love/relationships/sex/etc are supposed to look like because of movies, books, media, dating culture, etc.

So this could be why you feel like "straight" sex is more exciting to you. It might be because that's what you've seen or it's what you've been taught to expect. It's kind of hard to fantasize about something when we can't even imagine it.

The truth is: straight sex and gay sex are actually the same thing. Because it's sex! And sex is a really broad term that covers a lot of different activities and a lot of those activities overlap whether someone is having sex with someone else of the same or a different gender.

Can I ask, what about having sex with a woman feels less appealing to you?

Anyway, all of this to say-- it's totally ok for you to be questioning your sexuality. I would encourage you to lean into that uncertainty and enjoy just living your life in a way that feels fulfilling to you. It can feel really good and comfortable to find a label that fits us or describes our current lived experience but my advice would be to not get too attached or rigid when giving yourself a label. It's normal for our identities and sense of self to change as we age and grow. So you might discover something new about yourself in the future! You might also discover that you are in fact asexual and that identity will fit even more comfortably.

We have some articles that might interest you on this topic, if you want to check them out:
Just the Basics: An Asexuality Primer
Q is for Questioning
Am I Asexual? (Advice Column)

[Aceofhearts]

Thank you for replying! I think it's going to help me.
To answer your question: Sapphic sex doesn't feel appealing to me because of the lack of penetration. I know that penetration still happens, but its just not the same. But I also think some of it still stems from comphet.
Speaking of which, I live in a conservative and religious country, so I have been struggling with internalized homophobia for some time. Good thing I have a support system for it.
I also forgot to mention this in my initial post, but I often find myself looking at both men and women. Not necessarily in a sexual way, but more of a "Wow, that person is really good looking" and sometimes I feel romantic attraction due to their appearance.
I'm going to take your advice. I think I'm still going to identify as ace and bi, since I feel a connection with both labels, but I'm going to be more open to how my labels can change and how it's just a matter of time. I have had situations where my labels actively change my attraction.

[char]

Hi Aceofhearts! Chiming in to second Becky that having a lot of questions about your own identity as a young person, and not figuring everything out just yet, is completely okay.

As an Indonesian myself (halo! I hope you've been doing well considering the harsh weather these last few weeks T_T), I understand how intense the homophobia and heteronormativity can be online and offline. Unlearning harmful, incorrect information about sex and sexuality as well as relearning affirming, accurate ones can and will take time. This includes the idea that there's only one acceptable kind of sex (vaginal intercourse for procreation) for everyone and that sex between two queer folks (regardless of gender) must always include insertion--a term we use here to better reflect a consensual sexual act between two (or more) active individuals. Never mind that not everyone wants insertive sex and children, and that's fine.

I hope we've been able to help you understand and navigate your sexuality! I'm also relieved to hear that you have people who are supportive and affirming around you. ^_^

[Aceofhearts]

Thank you for replying! It's so nice to meet another queer Indonesian!
While I think that the heteronormativity I'm exposed to contributes to my preference for heterosexual acts, I think that heterosexual fantasies just simply turn me on more. I usually fantasize, also reading short erotica stories. So I think I have a grasp on what I like, but as you and Becky said, I'm quite young so it may change or show up as I grow.
Oh yeah, I saw in your profile that you were bisexual. If I can ask a question, how do you know whether or not you are attracted to someone? I want to have some sort of advice on how to distinguish sexual attraction. I would just want to know what it's like for you.
Again, thank you so much for helping me out. This site has been quite helpful for me. And I am going to try being more open to my sexuality and romantic experiences.

P.S I agree that the weather has been bad these past weeks. I'm not really affected, but the traffic is crazy! I've had to walk to school a few times last week.

[maille]

Aceofhearts,

I am so glad you have had a helpful experience on Scarleteen!

How easy would it be if sexuality occurred in a vacuum with no other factors! There would be so many less questions, but also so much less to discover, and I think discovery is half the fun. I wish I had a clear-cut answer on what your sexuality is and how to decipher attraction, but the truth is it is ever evolving and oh so individual. That being said, we do have this advice column on our site that might be worth a read. Sexual Attraction?? It offers a list of feelings attraction might elicit and hopefully one or two resonates with you!

After reading that advice column, how do you feel?

[Heather]

I don't want to interrupt your conversation with char, but I do want to say there is no such thing as "heterosexual" sexual activity, because what people can and can't do, and do or don't do, with their bodies isn't based on sexual orientation. For example, bisexual people commonly have penis-in-vagina intercourse. Like Becky mentioned earlier, there's actually no such thing as divisions like straight sex or gay sex, because human sexuality is just way more diverse than that.

I also want to add that the idea of what is and isn't appealing to us when it comes to sex in fantasy and sex IRL are very often not the same things, and that often has a lot to do with the fact that how things are presented in porn don't resemble how they look, feel or go IRL. Sex between cisgender women, in particular, is often made to look very different in mainstream porn than it looks IRL because most of that media is made for straight men who don't want it to look like it looks IRL, they want it to look like it does in their fantasies (and for many of them, they want it to look like women only really get off or get really excited when there is a person with a penis involved).

[Aceofhearts]

Hey there Maille! So, I read the advice column that you added, and... I think I might have experience sexual attraction? But it wasn't on a girl (I identify as bi but I have a heavy preference for men), and I never really imagined myself with that person sexually, and I had romantic attraction to them too. But it makes sense. I had a very intense interest in them to the point where I was daydreaming of dating them months after I last saw that person. It felt more obvious than all my other crushes.
Would I still qualify as an asexual or at least an ace-spec? To my knowledge, having rare sexual attraction would qualify under graysexual.

[Aceofhearts]

Oh yeah, I've definitely experienced having fantasies yet not having desires to actually have sex. And I could see how some of my fantasies stem from my experience with erotica (I have never actually seen porn before though, and I'm not planning to). But I guess it's also a question of time. Maybe I haven't yet felt the desire to have sex with someone due to my
young age.

[mikky]

Aceofhearts,
I would encourage you to move away from thinking about asexuality as something you do or don't "qualify" as. You've probably heard of sexuality as a spectrum: we all experience (a)sexuality differently, and that can shift and change throughout our lives. Labels can be helpful or useful at times, but if it is feeling difficult or restrictive, I would gently ask you what benefit a label would bring to you right now?

[char]

Thank you for replying! It's so nice to meet another queer Indonesian!
While I think that the heteronormativity I'm exposed to contributes to my preference for heterosexual acts, I think that heterosexual fantasies just simply turn me on more. I usually fantasize, also reading short erotica stories. So I think I have a grasp on what I like, but as you and Becky said, I'm quite young so it may change or show up as I grow.
Oh yeah, I saw in your profile that you were bisexual. If I can ask a question, how do you know whether or not you are attracted to someone? I want to have some sort of advice on how to distinguish sexual attraction. I would just want to know what it's like for you.
Again, thank you so much for helping me out. This site has been quite helpful for me. And I am going to try being more open to my sexuality and romantic experiences.

P.S I agree that the weather has been bad these past weeks. I'm not really affected, but the traffic is crazy! I've had to walk to school a few times last week.

Hi Aceofhearts, thanks for the wait! I'll address your question here

Personally speaking, as someone on the aromantic spectrum, I don't necessarily aim for the typical romantic relationship whenever I have a crush on someone, but the attraction sometimes go hand-in-hand with sexual attraction. So, when it occurs, it's usually a strong feeling of joy and excitement accompanied by some fantasies here and there--sexual and non-sexual. Aside from the advice piece Maille shared (which focuses on sexual attraction), you might find this article useful, even though it falls on the shorter side: Quickies: Crushes.

About labels themselves, since this is something that's been on your mind: there are so many ways we can perceive and interpret the same label, because we all come from different walks of life. If you feel like the label "asexual" makes sense to you and that it aligns with how you've described your attraction, then you can use that label. But there's nothing wrong with not really feeling that term too--we can always not use specific terms for our experiences if we want. As Mikky shared in their post, it'd be helpful to recognize if and how using labels is particularly useful for you at the moment. Do you get what I mean?

[Aceofhearts]

Huh, great question on how labels can benefit me right now. I guess it's because labels "narrow down" and "rationalize" my experiences more. And I know that that is unhealthy.
I think it's also because I have grown to have such an attachment to it. I found my place in the queer community by identifying as ace. All of my close friends know that I'm ace. I even got a subtle ace necklace I made. So, parting with asexuality as a label is going to hard for me.
I know that it's not healthy and I shouldn't try limiting myself. But when you think something about you is set in stone, and turns out that it doesn't, it feels challenging.

[Aceofhearts]

Hey there Char, thank you so much for answering my question and affirming me about labels.
I don't have any current crushes now (and I hope that stays for a while) so I'm mostly going off of my past experiences and my memories. I think that your answer and that article you link both align with my experiences.

[Latha]

Hello Aceofhearts! I'm glad Char and Mikky's responses were helpful!

As I see it, you don't have to push yourself to part with asexuality as an identity. The feelings you've had in the past can still be an important part of the way you understand yourself now. And of course, you know that the ability to feel sexual attraction is a spectrum--if you have started feeling attraction but still resonate with the asexuality, then you can be asexual. Whatever you do, try to let these words/labels serve you, rather than trying to make your experiences match the words.

[Aceofhearts]

Thank you for the affirming message. However, I think I'm going to try not thinking myself as asexual and any labels for a while. I just want to see how it will affect me. While I probably will still feel and connect with asexuality, I want to be more open to the possibility that I'm not. And I think this topic has come to the end.
And thank you to all of the staff for helping me navigate my sexuality! I definitely will be using this site again!

[Anya]

Hey Aceofhearts,

That makes total sense. At the end of the day, only you can decide what feels right to identify with or not, so we're proud of you for noticing that and exploring new territory. You can always come back to what you know, but being open to learning is pretty dang hard, so good job!!

Don't hesitate to reach out again if you have any more questions