i can’t have sex with my bf

[ssoph_1]

hello, i recently came on here about faking orgasms with my boyfriend, since then he’s still not been able to. i feel things at the start and then not really anymore. i also mentioned he was only able to use one finger, he can use two now and it does feel good, but it takes so long that his arm starts to hurt and i just fake it again because i just don’t feel anything. he once tried to give me oral stuff and it kind of hurt? i don’t know how to explain it, it just was a little uncomfortable, afterward i told him and he apologised and i haven’t let him do it since even though he’s wanted to, i just don’t get anything out of it. we’ve tried to have penetrational sex atleast like 4 times now and it just hurts. he can’t even get halfway without me being in pain. i feel so stupid because he told me one time he’s never had this happen before (he’s had sex twice), i’ve never been with anyone before so it did hurt my feelings and he apologised and said he wasn’t trying to make me feel worse, he just didn’t understand it either. it annoys me because i really want to have sex with him but it really really hurts, as soon as he realises i can’t do it he stops straight away. i know it could just be because ive never had sex before or done anything but its scaring me a little bit. i really dont know how to make it better. i’m just wondering will i have to just get over it once and have it hurt and is it normal for it to hurt this much? i asked him what it felt like and he literally just said it felt like he was hitting a wall. please help me

[mikky]

Hey ssoph_1,

So, from what I am reading, it sounds like things are feeling good, but you are still feeling that pressure of “taking too long” when he is using fingers inside?
If his arm is starting to hurt, I would recommend trying to adjust position, or adding some support to his arm. It can be really hard to relax and enjoy touch, though, when we are feeling insecure about time or worrying that a partner is uncomfortable.

I want to reiterate that faking orgasms creates a situation where you are communicating that something that doesn’t feel good, or you haven’t had enough time to enjoy, is working for you. It sounds like when you are having intercourse/penis-in-vagina sexual contact, he is ready to stop and listen to you. Do you think he might be a safe person to be honest with about how other sexual contact is feeling?

I am curious about the pain or discomfort with the oral sex- can you try to describe what it felt like? Was it a “too much” feeling or feeling of hyper sensitivity of your clitoris? Was it muscle strain from other parts of your body? Was there any type of biting or pulling? Was your body in a position that was comfortable? You absolutely never have to have oral sex again- you get to choose what type of contact and touch you want to engage in. Not everyone enjoys the same things. Which is really important to remember when you are feeling this comparison with his past experiences with sex.

Him never experiencing a partner have pain with insertion out of a sample size of two…. First of all, we don’t know that neither of those people did have discomfort or pain, because like you, they could have felt pressure to fake pleasure. Second, two people is a very small amount of people. Many, many, many of us experience some levels of discomfort or pain with insertion. Let’s revisit the importance here of relaxation, taking some of this self-judgement off (you aren’t stupid!!), and using tools that might make things more comfortable.
The number one tool is communication (cheesy, I know). Having shared language and a basis of communication around both what does not feel good and what does feel good is really important. So, if manual sex, where he is using one or two fingers in your vagina is feeling good, but you want to spend more time doing that, could you try asking him to keep going? I would hope that by introducing some more pleasurable sensation and communication to the sex you are having, you can feel less scared.

If YOU want to be having intercourse (because, again, you get to choose what activities you would like to try), I would also recommend adding in the tool of lube. That can help a lot with discomfort from friction. Having things smoother and slippier can reduce pain/discomfort. There are other tools out there that can help with pain with intercourse, but it would be tough to incorporate any type of tool into partnered sex without a basis of communication AND a shared desire to have pleasurable sex. We don’t want to see you pushing through pain just to get one specific sexual activity “over with.”

[ssoph_1]

thank you for replying
i’m not sure why the oral stuff kind of hurt, i think it may have been hypersensitivity and it made it almost sting a little? it’s hard to explain but it wasn’t anything he was doing wrong, i think it was maybe just too much and he was maybe using too much pressure. we did try it again a little bit later after i had told him and he was a lot more gentle and it didn’t hurt but i just couldn’t really feel it, its the same when he fingers me.. i feel it just for a little and it just doesn’t build like it does when i masturbate (though i don’t finger myself) i have told him that sometimes i don’t really feel anything and i think it makes him a little sad & makes him think he isn’t good at it, which he is im just not sure why such a sensitive area isn’t sensitive when he touches me. in the past i have orgasmed once from fingering myself but it was very underwhelming and nowhere near my normal ones.

as for the penetration, i just feel bad that we can’t ever get it. we’ve tried a lot of different positions and i just don’t understand why he can’t actually do it. sometimes i do get too dry so i think lube would be a big help, but sometimes he says he thinks i’m wet enough (which i am) but as soon as i think about the penetration i go dry because im expecting it to hurt.. he says that im really tight around his fingers and that it hurts a little bit because i clench a lot so i think that could maybe be it? im not sure though, i dont really know what to do. i really do want to have it with him though

[Tara]

Hi, ssoph_1:

I want to reiterate that there is nothing wrong with you, him, or this situation. It is actually quite common (despite what we learn from media and the world) to not always have the best, most blissful experiences with sex. However, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist or that we shouldn't aim to have the most enjoyable experience we can have - just like you are aiming for. I just wanted to reassure you that there isn't anything wrong with you. Sometimes, the experience is not pleasurable due to timing, mood, incompatability, or sometimes even past negative experiences can influence how we enjoy sex now.

That being said, I agree with Mikky that lubrication should help A LOT. You also mentioned that you automatically kind of go into a mode of defense or self-protection before insertion, so that will color the rest of the experience. You might want to hold off on trying insertion before you know you want it and are mentally/emotionally ready to engage in it. You don't want to continue doing it and compound the uncomfortability of it. Have you been able to share with him specifically how you finger yourself or what you like/don't like with what he is doing to try and enhance that part of your sexual experience?

[ssoph_1]

well, he actually does it really well and it does feel good at first but the feeling kind of just fades off, i just don’t really feel very much unless hes a little bit rougher , hence why his arm gets tired. i can tell he really wants to keep pleasing me but hes struggling because i take so long.. i feel bad because hes really trying for me

[Sofi]

Hi ssoph_1, I want to circle back to the topic of talking to him about this stuff. When you've brought it up before in conversation, how does he react? Does he seem to be worried about it, or calm? Is he supportive of you and is being patient, or does he seem eager to figure this out asap? I ask because his arm getting tired is something that can be worked on, for example, but his attitude around all this and whether he's more focused on how you feel vs how he feels is more important here. Often, women feel 'bad' for taking too long to orgasm, but there's nothing wrong with taking any amount of time. Sex is supposed to be an enjoyable experience, and orgasm isn't the only or even main goal - pleasure is.

There are tons of men who are super patient and want their partner to experience said pleasure, so it's no big deal for them if you last 15, 30, 45 minutes or even longer. It's enjoyable to them as well because it's all sex, not just the orgasm part. Unfortunately, others don't see it that way, and are rushed to get to the orgasm part. This is a mindset that we see more in men, since it often takes less time for them to reach orgasm and they tend to treat it as the most important part of sex.

Working on making sex more pleasurable, including making it fun and/or romantic etc, can help undo this way of thinking and once you start just enjoying sex without the pressure to orgasm, you usually find that it will happen faster or more often. It sounds like he cares about you, so this is a conversation I invite you to have with him, but that's also why I started with asking how he reacted in the past when you talk about this. We're happy to help guide you in having this conversation with him, and also help you be able to relax and lean into the experience more rather than being anxious the whole time about how long it's taking. Let me know if you want to talk more about either or both of these. <3

[ssoph_1]

he’s very paitient with me because i’m not very good at telling him about how i feel.. i mentioned i more so do it for his pleasure and usually he prefers to pleasure me first so i rush it so i can just get his done. i know it sounds bad that i want to just get it over with but i dont need to do that, i dont think he does either but he initiates all of it. i do want to do stuff with him and the first few times i was initiating it until i realised i cant even feel it.

the first time he realised it was hurting me (i didnt tell him, he just noticed i was quiet) when he tried penetrating he stopped straight away, moved me onto his side and we cuddled and spoke about why it hurt, what he could’ve done differently and if he was being too rough. i was scared over time he’d get impatient and start getting rough and just sort of do it but he hasn’t. he was here a couple of days ago and the same thing happened and we only tried a few times and he said he didn’t want to hurt me and that he’d rather me not be sad after it. (which i tend to be so it makes it harder for me to engage in what we’re doing.) he usually orgasms from oral and stuff and i think for a long time i was so worried about being good at that i just wanted to rush through it kind of thing.

he does want to figure it out but he’s not in a rush. he told me it takes as long as it takes and i shouldn’t worry about it, it just means the first time it does happen it’ll be more special. i think im putting a lot of pressure on myself to figure it out

[Heather]

It sure sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself.

What do you think you need to stop doing that? What do you also think you need to ONLY do the things you really want to do without rushing? What are those things, if you stop and really think about it? What do *you* actually really, really want to do, not just get over with?

[ssoph_1]

i just want to enjoy it the same way he does, i’m wanting to just get it over with because i don’t gain any pleasure from it and id much rather just cuddle & kiss because it tires me out and tires him out even though i gain nothing from doing it. i know it also makes him sad because he knows i feel like i have to just get it over with which is why he’s been trying to spend more time on me

[Heather]

Okay, so let's work with what can actually happen in reality. We can't do things to make ourselves have the same experience as someone else, like you're wishing. But what you can do are some things to change the experience you are having.

One big change you can make is to ONLY do anything sexual -- or based on touch -- that you actually want. Doing things that you don't actually want and that don't feel good to you are not only not going to lead you to sex you enjoy, they are going to keep you from it. That's the case for a could reasons. For one, doing things you don't enjoy isn't going to magically change into things you enjoy somehow. That's because of the main reason here: if we keep doing things we don't enjoy sexually, we're actually training our minds to associate sex with not feeling good, so our bodies will have increased challenges to respond to sex in a positive way.

It sounds top me like what you need to do is tell your boyfriend that for the time being, cuddling and kissing is all you actually want, and that you need to ask him to accept that. Then, you two will just do the things you actually want and actually enjoy, and you can see if once you stick with those things for a while (and by a while, I mean weeks or months, not days or minutes), you start to feel differently, and actually want to try exploring other kinds of touch.

If it turns out you do want to start trying those other things, then once you do, it's important you only do what you are actually liking and enjoying, and start saying no or stop, or "let's try this a different way" about anything that doesn't feel good to you, or that you find you don't actually want. If you get to that point, we can help you move forward from there so that you can build a sexual relationship that you both truly enjoy, and that only has things in it you really want to take your time enjoying, not treating as a duty or chore to get over with.

If it turns out you don't feel like you want to do any more than cuddle and kiss, period, then it will be time for you and your boyfriend to talk about what you both want here. It may be that's just fine with him, or it may be you'll need to talk about changing the nature of your relationship so that there is no expectation of it being a sexual one, for either of you.

How does this sound? Do you have the kind of relationship where you can both be honest with him like this, set a limit like this, and where you both can be patient and see how it goes when it's cuddling and kissing without other kinds of touch for now?

[ssoph_1]

i think so.. but we’re long distance so we only see eachother probably twice every 2 months since i live in england and he lives in jersey with his dad, he comes back every half term. i feel like because of this i feel the need to rush it almost to secure our relationship (nothing to do with him, everything to do with me and past experiences) i’m scared he’ll get bored and not want to be with me even though i know that sounds a little bit silly.

i know he’d be fine with it but im just scared it’ll create distance when we already have so much of that

[Heather]

So, no one should ever have sex to try and make someone stay with them. If you intend sex to be about intimacy and pleasure, not about work, sex isn't something to pay for something -- like for a relationship -- with. We also shouldn't have sex with someone because we think if we don't, someone will get bored with us. These just aren't ways of being sexual that will set us up for sex to be actually pleasurable, nor for it to be part of a healthy relationship of shared intimacy. It's not silly for you to say what you're saying: unfortunately, you're not the only person who has felt they have to be sexual when they don't really want to be to keep a partner. But that's sad, not silly, and hopefully, that';s also something you'll stop doing, for both your sakes, ASAP.

Again, unless we're talking about sex work, if we want sex to be actually good for all involved, and actually good *for* all involved, it has to be about wanting to share mutual pleasure and intimacy, and be somethign we only do when we actually want to.

In the event that we are ever with a partner who wants a more sexual relationship than we do, the right thing to do isn't to have sex we don't want, like or feel ready for. Instead, it's to let that person seek out that kind of relationship with someone else who wants that, and for us, with that person, to figure out what the right kind of relationship between us actually is. This stands for you, too: if what you like, want and feel ready for at this time of your life is a romantic relationship with kissing and cuddles but not with genital sex, then you also deserve to be with a partner who wants those things, too. If you two turn out to want very different things, rather than one of you forcing yourself to do what the other wants, it's much healthier and better for you both to seek out those different things with others and figure out the best relationship for the two of you. Do you get what I'm saying?

I hear you saying you think your partner right now will be fine with this. But I also hear you saying you think it will create distance. The thing is, sex where you fake it, where you are doing things just to get them over with, where you are not enjoying yourself -- none of those things create closeness, quite the opposite. You can build closeness and intimacy without sex, period, but it certainly can be built a lot easier with other things than it ever could with one-sided bad sex in which someone is just trying to get through it. <3

In fact, just being honest with your boyfriend about all this, and asking him for what you really need? THAT is actually the kind of thing that builds real closeness, intimacy and trust. So, how about you extend this partner some trust -- and extend some faith in yourself, too, like by presuming no one will find you boring just because you aren't having sex with them! -- and see what comes of a conversation like this where you set these limits?

P.S. You might also find some benefit from reading this article: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/intimac ... nd-so-nots