Exploring Intimacy With a Woman for the First Time

[hammy022118]

Hi, I’m considering exploring a intimacy with another woman, and I’m feeling nervous. I don’t have experience with women sexually, and I’m worried about not liking it or not knowing what I’m doing.

I’ve been very open with her about where I’m at, and she has been incredibly patient and supportive, giving me space to work through my feelings. We haven’t done anything beyond hugging yet since this is all very new to me. I enjoy the connection her & I have been forming, seems more than just friends.

One of my fears is that I won’t like oral sex, since I haven’t really enjoyed it with men in the past. I also have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of touching another woman's genitals, even though I really like the idea of kissing her. It feels confusing because part of me is excited and curious, and another part feels anxious and unsure.

How do I manage anxiety about being inexperienced? And how can I tell the difference between normal first-time nerves and a genuine sign that something isn’t right for me?

Are there resources that explain different ways of having sex with another woman, or that talk through what intimacy can look like beyond stereotypes? I think part of my anxiety comes from not really knowing what to expect.

[char]

Hi hammy022118, welcome to the boards I am glad to hear that your partner has been understanding and supportive of you. It can be both exciting and nerve-racking to initiate consensual sex with another person, even when you know you like them a lot. It's definitely okay to take things at your own pace!

Having sex with a woman (with the assumption that she is cisgender, since you mentioned your infamiliarity with her genitals) isn't going to be completely different from having sex with a man, in the sense that they involve consent and continuous communication. As you've likely known, there are many ways folks can have sex, but just like in sex between a man and a woman, you don't have to do every sexual act if you don't like it or don't want to. You might want to check our checklist on this: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist. Try going over the list and see if there are things you haven't considered or need to reconsider. By knowing what you like and don't like, you'll be more informed on what you want to do with your partner in the future.

As for pleasuring the vulva, there's no "right" way to do it. For one, a lot of folks with vulvas enjoy clitoral stimulation and orgasm easier from it than doing vaginal insertion alone—though it's important to note that having sex (solo or partnered) for the sake of orgasm is unlikely to be enjoyable. Aside from the clitoris, the labia (the parts that look like lips or folds of skin) and the mons (the part of the vulva where most of the pubic hair⁠ is) can also be sensitive. But again, every person is different, and it's vital that we communicate with each other if we like or dislike being touched in which parts. We have two intro articles about the vulva, as well as sexual anatomy in general, here: Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More and With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body. Masturbating can also help with learning about your own genitals: which part goes where, what kind of touches can feel good. Am I making sense?

[Heather]

I want to also add that you’re doing what’s most likely to result in both of you having good, pleasurable experiences: that’s all the communication you’re engaging in.

Understanding some anatomical basics helps, for sure, but even when we share the same gender and body parts as each other, what we like and want and need — and don’t like or want — really runs the gamut. How our bodies feel together also differs by a lot more factors than just our gender and body parts. So, the way to learn how to be sexual with each other will never be something someone else can write a universal guide for. Instead, it’s communicating deeply and openly with each other, before, during and after any kind of sex, and responding to what we learn in that communication, that teaches us all the best.