Should I tell my boyfriend everything???

[StellaBella]

I have had this wonderful monogamous relationship with my boyfriend for the past two months, wanting a loving relationship more than a hookup. Sex has been great but the cuddling has been greater, and my mom is okay with him coming over which makes everything much easier for us.
A few days ago he asked me how many partners I have had before I was with him, and I told him the truth. This morning we were about to have sex and he had problems doing it with me because he was picturing all these other guys I was with, and then he started asking me who were the guys and if he knew any of them. Yes, he knows a couple of them as they are my friends but i'm not really sure if I should even tell him this because I don't want him to start treating those guys differently. How much should I tell him??? How do I explain to him that I only want him??? How do I get him back to where he is comfortable being with me in bed again???

[Heather]

StellaBella: I'm really, really sorry that your boyfriend is acting like this. It sounds like this is someone who wasn't aware of how he might feel once he knew a partner had previous partners, and who isn't handling the surprise of how he did feel particularly well. That can be so hard.

Really, this is on HIM to work out for himself, more than something that's about you or your responsibility. You also are not going to be able to change how he is thinking or behaving: only he can do that, and he is the one who needs to. Saying you only want him is not likely to change anything, but I would also suggest that you not try to fix this. Again, this is his process and his work to do, and I think only he can do it, and he's going to need to seriously calm down first before he can even start.

Personally, if I had a partner reacting like this, I would tell him that it's clear he is having a hard time accepting that I have a sexual history, so no, I did not think it was a good idea to give him any more specific information about my history when he was clearly already having such a hard time handling the general information.

I'd suggest that he take some time for himself to just feel his feelings and process them, and since it seems like sex right now isn't right for him, I'd suggest holding off on being sexual until he's feeling more able to accept that you have had other partners before him. If he also feels like he needs time for himself away from you two hanging out to do that, I'd let him know he gets to do that, too. (Heck, you might want a little time away from him given how he reacted.) I might also suggest he talk to other supportive people in his life -- not you -- to seek out help accepting, as most people will have to do during their lives, that his current partner has had partners before him.

How does that sound? And what do *you* need right now to take care of yourself in this? having a partner react like this can be a really tough blow.

[StellaBella]

I ended up breaking up with him last week. He didn't like that I was 100% truthful with him, even though I did tell him at the beginning that I wasnt a virgin. He wasnt a virgin either, and I was okay with tha. I'm good friends with his ex and I never had a problem with her or what they did together, yet he didn't like that he was/is good friends with two of the boys that I was with.
I'm not mad at myself for my choices, but all of this is making second guess if I should say everything or if I should just say that I'm not a virgin. I really did want to be with him, and I loved his parents and they loved me, but I cant stay woth somebody who looks at me like I'm just a hole.

[Heather]

I'm really sorry to hear this. I agree with you, I think you made the right choice here, and I see no reason to be mad at yourself. You didn't do anything wrong here. It sounded to me, as you know, like there was just a certain maturity and capacity he lacked when it came to being with a partner who had had partners before him (something that will become increasingly common as he leaves his teen years), and now I also hear you saying he was engaging in some sexual double standards here. Yuck.

I disagree that you were not "100% truthful" with him, too. Not telling someone the names, social security numbers, and favorite colors, etc. of all of your partners is not being dishonest. No one owes anyone that, period, and any expectation anyone would do that at the gate or at any time just isn't reasonable or fair. Heck, for some of us, that would be an hours-long or days-long catalog.

I wouldn't take his behavior here as some kind of universal, nor would I presume that with future partners, you need to sit down and tell them who all of your previous partners were. Simply saying you've had other partners before should be enough for anyone, and honestly, soon enough, you'll be of an age that most folks will just assume that, and it will also be true about them, and it will all be no big deal. Rather, what I would take from this is that moving forward, you'll want to perhaps not get as invested in a sexual and romantic partner until you know that they have the emotional maturity and the kind of sexual worldview that makes it pretty clear they are just fine with a partner with previous partners, no matter who they are. If you want to talk about how you might be able to determine that early on, I'd be happy to tak about that with you.