Am I truly bi?

[Lyle Lanley]

Can I still consider myself bisexual if these are my feelings?
I go through month-long periods of time when I prefer one gender over the other.
Also, my female crushes are mainly IRL (like classmates and friends) and male crushes are mainly celebs and fictional characters. There are exceptions on each side, of course.
But I've never been so into a female singer or fictional character.
And my real life crushes are few and far between; I sometimes condition myself into liking someone, but when I feel a spark (which I call the "zing") it has happened both with boys and girls. The first two times were with girls. Only this year, a significant one has happened with a boy, but nothing else happened between us other than that conversation.
But this year, I met this boy, and despite my trauma, I found myself wanting to get to know him better, and have not disdained the thought of a relationship with him. Problem is, I have no idea whether this is an actual crush - I didn't feel a "zing" - or if I'm just conditioning myself again.
And the other problem: due to my trauma once again, I have sworn multiple times that I'd stop dating men. But oftentimes I end up getting with them. Not once have I been successful in a relationship with another girl.

Sorry if this is unclear, I'm just putting thoughts down right now

[Tara]

Hi, Lyle Lanley:

First off, to answer your intial question, you can consider yourself whatever you choose or desire to consider yourself. The fact that you are attracted to and have relationships with both genders is on par with the bisexual orientation. I am trying to get the root of the issue you are describing. Is it the confusion with what your orientation is or is it related to the fact that you have periods where you only like a certain gender? When you say "condition" yourself to like certain people, do you feel that it feels forced or an outside influence that may not resonate with you? I think the moments where you have a "zing" or initial attraction are likely to be closer to your truest desire. Do you agree?

[Lyle Lanley]

The problem is that when I see other bisexuals who are strongly infatuated with female fictional characters, so not only real people like in my case, I feel "envious", if that's the right word for it? Like I'm not truly bi if I don't feel that.
Although I have had crushes on some female characters sometimes but not as often and not as prevalent as male ones.

Also the conditioning is me thinking "hm, what if I crushed on this person" and then think about them increasingly often until I do get the crush. It's voluntary crushing.
While the zing is unexpected and closest to my truest desires. And the first two times were on women. My current crush is a male and it's a "voluntary/conditioned" one. I haven't zinged since March and that time was with a boy.

[char]

Hi Lyle,

I'd like to jump into this conversation as someone who uses both the "bisexual" and "queer" labels myself. I second Tara that bisexuality is something that means different for everyone; a "true bisexual" is anyone who decides that bisexual is the best label to describe their sexual orientation. There's no set of official, internationally-agreed-upon rules that says to be bisexual, you have to have "equal" intensity of sexual and romantic attraction to those whose gender identity is more similar to you and those whose gender identity is less similar. (I'm using this description to debunk the myth that the "bisexual" label is not inclusive of nonbinary and gender-expansive identities, by the way.) If you find yourself feeling more attracted to IRL women and fictional/famous men, you are just as bisexual as someone who is more attracted to IRL men and fictional/famous women.

The envy you described could be a result of internalized biphobia, which is when we unconsciously act on the belief that bisexuality isn't a "valid" identity to ourselves. Many bisexual folks feel an indirect pressure from those around them to have their same-/similar-gender attraction be more prominent than their different-gender attraction for them to be seen as "actually" queer. But that assumption is simply not true, because people can have attraction to multiple folks, and it is not a bad or immoral thing to experience. I think you'll benefit from reading our articles on biphobia. Our "Hi, Bi Guy" series by Adam England may be directed to cisgender bisexual guys, but Adam's article on biphobia is a great read for anyone regardless of gender. Beyond the series, we've covered biphobia, internal and external, multiple times in both our articles and advice column:
- The Art of Getting Bi
- Struggling with bisexual identity in relation to others coming out
- Internalized biphobia is making dating seem impossible
- Staying Seen: Being Bi in Relationships with Straight People

You've also described your experience voluntarily forming crushes. Would you like to elaborate more on that, and do you think it is related to biphobia?

[Lyle Lanley]

Hi Char, thank you so much for your answer.

Indeed as you and Tara said, my attraction still encompasses my own gender and the opposite gender, which fits de definition of bisexual.

But your addition about internalised biphobia was really insightful. It's something I've struggled with for quite a while now, ever since I began identifying as bi (I keep thinking I tricked myself into thinking I'm bisexual, might have something to do with my OCD, but still)
I'll read the articles you linked, thank you!

Also the voluntary crushes are basically second nature to me, and how I always thought they were supposed to be until I had my first proper one at 12yo. I've no idea if it's related to biphobia in any way.

[Anya]

Hey Lyle Lanely,

Your mention of "voluntary crushes" makes me think of something called demisexuality. Are you familiar? People who experience demisexuality feel like they can't quite access emotional/romantic/sexual feelings for someone until they feel like they know them better. For some, this means they want a friendship first to establish a connection, and for others, it really just means that they won't get those chemical feelings until they feel ready to connect with someone in a certain way. Now, I'm not saying that this is the case here, as it's just a thought, but regardless, I think demisexuality is a good example of how normal it is for feelings and relationships to be fluid and change over time. Does this make sense?

It also seems like there is a sense of urgency here. Do you feel like this is something you have to figure out right now? And what might it feel like to think that there is no rush? Pressure can be a tricky thing to deal with, whether you feel it coming from yourself or someone else, but sexuality is something that often takes time to understand and develop in yourself. Do you resonate with that sense of urgency?

[Lyle Lanley]

Anya,

I did indeed know about the label of demisexual. But I've always had a doubt about it, and what better place to ask it than a sex ed forum: isn't that just how it is normally? To want to be friends with someone first?
And I understand how you brought it up without trying to say that this is necessarily my situation. (Which it is not: my “truest” crushes were caused by nearly instant chemistry, which is also why I call them zing)

And the urgency is caused by the fact that my current real-life crush and fictional/VIP crushes are all male, but especially the real-life crush. The thought that dating a male would preclude me from experiencing WLW love which is something that I do want as well...
Additionally, in Italy, the average male aged 10 to 27-ish's sense of humour is so-called “black humour” which is basically just racism, sexism, and worse. I can't bear the thought of putting up with that stuff; and how am I supposed to explain to one of them that I'm bisexual, genderqueer and use any pronouns when all they know about it is attack helicopter jokes?

P.S. I'm trying to get to know this guy better to try to find out if he is indeed like one of them, or if he doesn't do those types of jokes by some kind of miracle.

[mikky]

Hi Lyle Lanley,

It's hard to say what is "normal" since literally every person experiences desire and attraction in a completely different way. It's one of the reasons why we talk about (a)sexuality as spectrums: a spectrum denotes something that we all should fall somewhere on. And being demisexual isn't to say one is "abnormal," just a way to describe a certain experience. Make sense?

That being said, some people don't feel a need to develop a deep emotional connection with another person to be sexually attracted to them, and some people might not feel a need to have a deep bond to feel romantic attraction. Like your "zings!"

Why do you feel that dating a man would prevent you from also experiencing love with a woman at some point?

I'm sorry that there has been a normalized culture of gross and harmful humor in the boys/men you know. Obviously, as you know, not every person will fall into that bucket, and our gender doesn't predispose being harmful or caring.

[Lyle Lanley]

Hello, Mikky,

You're right, I shouldn't have used the word “normal”. But now I do have a better understanding of what demisexual means, and how it applies (or doesn't) to one's attraction including mine.

What you're saying, that even though I'm dating a man I might experience love with a woman at some point, necessarily supposes that I'd break up with him. And this makes me question the whole point: if I like this guy what's the point of pursuing him if I'll break up with him anyway?

And thanks for the comprehension about the humour thing; of course, I know not everyone is like that, but at this point I just expect it to be like so :/

[Anya]

Hey Lyle Lanley,

I totally resonate with the idea of feeling like you have to choose one gender or another if you plan to date with the intention of staying together. I think this is a super common reason to be with someone, but I think it's important to remember that over the course of our lifetimes, things are going to change and happen out of our control. This is, fortunately or unfortunately, kind of the only promise in life: that there will be change, and all you can do is adapt and keep moving. This isn't to say that who you're with now, you won't be with in 10 years, but the hard truth is that no one really knows. There's no need to try and get everything figured out right now.

I will say too, some people get in relationships knowing that they must end at a certain point because of distance, different values, or a million other things, and that, too, doesn't mean that the relationship was a waste. The future will happen, that's assured, but you don't have to change your actions right now to be in line with a way you might feel later.

I would instead focus on the present, thinking about what you want out of a relationship at this moment. You might find that right now you really are seeking a relationship with a man (a man with an actually good sense of humor, they exist, I promise), and then maybe later on you'll find that what you really want in that moment is to be in a WLW relationship with someone you meet in the future. That won't take away from the feelings or relationships you're having right now, and doesn't mean that you can't want a WLW relationship then. Does this make sense? That all of these feelings and choices can exist and be equally as valid over time?

[Lyle Lanley]

That makes sense.

My main issue, though, is that I can't really differentiate types of attraction from each other; plus not having much experience in relationships, makes me quite insecure.

There's also the fact that I've absorbed the message that attraction to men is "bad" and that men are inherently unattractive. I understand it cos I myself have problems with men, and I've chosen not to date them. But that kind of thought really did mess with my internalised bisexuality and make me wish my preference for women was extended to my real life dating sphere

[KierC]

Hi Lyle!

I see you and one of our volunteers chatted about this briefly. How did that conversation leave you feeling? Are you having some similar questions still?

[Lyle Lanley]

Yes, I do.
At first, I wanted to discuss them over chat, but I was a bit confused by the time slots (when I used the chat feature, I was abroad where the timezones were slightly closer; but between daylight savings and all the hours of difference between CST and Italy time, my confusion just grows)
So, I'll discuss here.

There's another thing that confuses me about my sexuality: my kinks. I won't disclose what they are but I'll describe how I feel about them.
I have this main kink, which I've been into ever since I started my sexual development. When fantasizing, I apply it to both men and women, but when it comes to content I consume, it's mainly stories and videos featuring women. And I still can't tell if it's due to self-projection or attraction.
And most other kinks I have, only really apply to my attraction towards men (for instance, there's this one kink I've been developing since last year that I fantasize about almost exclusively with my male crushes)
It concerns me that aside from my main kink, there's nearly none in which I consider women. Also I seldom watch or read mainstream/"vanilla" content. More often than not, it's that kink.

[Heather]

I'll be honest -- and I'm going to sound really old here, but what can I say, I'm getting up there! -- even as someone who has been working in sexology for decades, this generation's use of "kink" is confusing for me. "Kink" has already long been a tricky term, because it suggests there is "normal" sex and then there is "kinky" sex, when in reality, there is no normal, there is only a LOT of variation, and then some things that some cultures say or make into norms (like penis in vagina intercourse between cis men and women, for example). And a lot of the things people are now calling "kinks" are really just sexual special interests, which almost everyone has.

I don't say any of that to correct your language so much as to help you recognize, since it sounds like you're feeling hung up about these special interests, that people of all orientations tend to have a wide array of things that are interesting to them sexually, or that they are curious about, or that arouse them. And nine times out of ten, things people think are super weird or unusual are way more common than they think. As far as bisexual or other queer people go, having certain interests or things that arouse you with one gender of people and not another really doesn't tell us anything about the so-called legitimacy of your bisexuality as it just underscores that sexuality tends to be wildly diverse, even our own.

Since you're not clear about what these interests are, it's pretty hard to talk with you about this., There's truly no shame in whatever it is that makes you sexually curious or interested, so if you do want to talk about any of this specifically when it comes to your bisexuality, we can do that. But I'm willing to bet that even when you get specific it won't tell us much but that some things that are arousing to you when it comes to men aren't with women, and that isn't something that would make you any less bisexual.

[Lyle Lanley]

You're right Heather, I was too vague
Also rather than kinks, I'd say they're more like paraphilias. And I did not want to describe them because, while they're not immoral in nature, they're still embarrassing for me to have, and it's also true that they could cause disgust to someone who's not into it (as they both involve bodily waste)

The one I described as the “main” one is urine, especially in scenarios where someone does it somewhere other than a toilet (eg. side of the road, countryside) and I almost exclusively watch, read or fantasize about women; and honestly it's a mix of self-projection (wishing I was the one doing it) and wanting to do it with a female friend or future partner. There are some specific people or characters I think of sometimes, but they're mostly vague, and more often than not when I did imagine someone, it was some crush at the time.

The other one, which I recently found out I have, is eproctophilia (aka. arousal from flatulence) and in that case, since I still feel uncomfortable with videos and fanart, I mostly read posts on NSFW tumblr and make up my own scenarios. And they're basically all with men. But they are more specific, such as male fictional characters I'm attracted to.

And I also have other special sexual interests, such as femdom (and one of the things that has led me to questioning, is that for me this kink applies only when I'm the domme and the other partner is a man). But then again, another one I have is female breasts and toplessness. And it's another case where I can't tell if it's attraction or self-projection.
And this is basically it.

[Heather]

That's helpful, thanks, and I understands the difference in the nomenclature. And no shame, truly! Like I said, human sexuality is wildly diverse, and as someone who has been in it and the field for decades, I'm unfazed, I promise.

I don't think any of what you are saying or experiencing will all this makes you any less bisexual or any less "really" bisexual. This older piece -- https://www.scarleteen.com/read/identit ... -and-women -- might help with some of this. If and when we don't feel the exact same, or want the exact same things sexually or romantically with people of varying genders doesn't make us any less queer or bi. It might help you to think about how this can play out with platonic friendship: some people have things they're more interested in doing or comfortable doing with friends of one gender but not another, but that doesn't make them any less open to or interested in friendship with that other group, you know?

It might also be a lot less confusing when this isn't all about fantasy, too, and when you can see how any or all of this plays out for you outside your head and in actual interactions, relationships or both with people. While no one needs sexual experience to know who they are attracted to, it does tend to inform all of this in a way that thoughts and ideas and fantasies alone really can't. I suspect that you'll feel a lot more grounded in your bisexuality when it's something that's a part of sexual interactions and relationships, and it might be that until then, you just have to give yourself some grace and some room to feel a little more iffy about all of it. <3

[Lyle Lanley]

Thanks, Heather.

Both this response and that article were truly helpful.
Cos one of the things I hear a lot about bisexuality is that the attraction to one gender and to the other can be different; but I never really went in-depth as to how it applied concretely, in cases like the guy who wrote to you in 2009, and in my case as well.
And of course, being sexually active would make everything clearer, but there's no hurry and in the meantime, what I've gathered from this topic is that... I question myself a lot but I am a bi girly indeed <3 again, tysm Heather and the rest of the Scarleteam !

[Heather]

I'm glad to hear that, and that you're feeling more comfortable with where you're at with all of this. Always glad to help. <3