I think learning about patriarchy/gender has skewed my views.

[Preble]

I'm sure this is common, but I'm not sure what these feelings are called so I dont know how to locate books, articles, or posts about this.

Regarding celebs/internet/fictional crushes, attraction for me gets confusing because I think that my brain might find it easier to think of men sexually because “you can’t objectify men.” Which is not great... I think that women who are in the public eye never asked to be thought about in such ways or even to be on a poster in my room but with men, I've never really thought about it. I just dont know how to start learning about this perspective, and I am only just realizing that I held it.

Some background information:
Around this time last year I started having sex dreams and fantasies. I'm not worried about labels and I know I'm still only interested in women however, the dreams and fantasies only feature men. I go through with these fantasies because I think “eh it's just sexual stimuli so like: 'relax, whatever gets ur rocks off'” but I want to know why do I have such trouble imagining women in that way?

After months of these dreams (not every single night ofc) and being fed up, I finally had a dream where I was lucid enough to tell the man that I was with that I wish he was a girl. He said okay and changed into a girl for me (sweet ik) but as soon as he did, the chemistry was obliterated. It was uncomfortable and I started to feel that I was the only one who wanted to be there. I stopped it and woke up. I know some people believe that dreams are completely random but if I'm going to have these dreams either way, why are they not with women? And when they are, why do they become twisted or uncomfortable?

After thinking about what that dream could symbolize, It made me realize I might have issues with myself picturing women because of underlying fears /beliefs about objectification and women having sex. I think I should start learning about women, sex ed, liberation?, and anything abt these feelings but I don’t know how or where to start. Usually, I like reading about how women are treated in our society but I might have created negativity and need a better balance, especially regarding sex.
Overall, it's just a little frustrating to wake up feeling uncomfortable after having one of dreams about men. For fantasies, it's fine but never great because it's not what I want. The male dreams may have only kept happening because I have strong frustration towards them but it doesn't explain why I struggle desiring women. I think it is more rooted in not wanting to align with male history and patriarchal men but I'm literally a teenage girl so... what?
I just want to figure out how I feel about women, and rewrite it, so I can have a pleasurable or fun inner world. Its frustrating, I feel like it is even weird writing that I want to be able to think about women, It sounds so creepy!
I also want to figure out how to stop thinking about random internet men in such a way because it feels weird after and gross in dreams where the male initiates. I wonder if the male fantasies are easier due to a mental thing where I want to please a man, or be validated by a man?

I hope this is posted in the correct section. Thanks

[mikky]

hi preble, welcome to the boards! Glad to have you here!

I’m hearing a few things here: you are having dreams that aren’t exactly aligned with what your real-world interests and attractions are, you are struggling to imagine/desire/fantasize about women, and you’d like to start learning more about sex ed/liberation.

As for the dreams- literal dreams, when we are asleep, can absolutely feature sexual scenarios that we do like or want, but a lot of the time, they are just kinda weird brain junk. So why aren’t your dreams featuring women, or kind of uncomfortable when they do? It’s hard to say. Almost every single night I dream that I can’t find my math class from 10 years ago. Dreams are pretty weird, and while some people do experience “sex dreams” that resemble actual fantasies, I think more of us experience ones that are mostly strange.

In your more conscious state, though, it seems like it’s been hard to engage with your own desires toward women. I wrote a short advice column for a user who had a different question, but I think maybe similar roots: Sexual Desire

It can feel really wrong as a woman/girl to engage with desires toward women because we’re usually socialized to be ashamed of desire in general, and because that specific type of desire has been absolutely stigmatized and stolen to hell and back. When you do think about women, what feelings come up? You used the word “creepy,” is that something you’ve felt for a while?

I think it is a great idea to learn more. What is your learning style? Do you like fiction or nonfiction, books or short articles, movies, podcasts, real life conversations….?
Some places you might start are:
Browsing our site in general. We have SO much content, it can be overwhelming, but I recommend as a starting point:
Undoing Sexual Shame
10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at Any Age)

some stepping stones into the great big world of body and pleasure liberation:
-Uses of the Erotic by Audre Lorde (this was my very first assigned reading for my Sexuality, Gender and Queer Studies major)
-The work of adrienne maree brown, especially around “Pleasure Activism”- you can watch a clip of them here, and see if their sense of humor/words resonate
-Janelle Monáe’s Dirty Computer Emotion Picture for some fun

[Preble]

Wow thanks so much. This is the exact starting point I was looking for.
From the video you linked, I found and read the book Pleasure Activism. There was an entire chapter that focused fantasies and how our culture impacts that part of us. The video was extremely helpful as well, I am shocked on how helpful your reply and these resources has been. I am so appreciative! I still have so much to think about but these are making it less scary and makes me feel safer that my experiences are not unusual.

About women, yeah I guess I have probably felt creepy the entire time and never really questioned it. I realized I have never really let myself write about or think about the way I feel about women. Maybe at one point I just left it out of my diary entry and then it became natural to not write it. I am going to make more of an effort to do so, maybe it will normalize it in my mind and build confidence.

I think one way I could start is to be be more intentional with what I focus on. I realized with most of the movies and fictional books I read, the main characters are male. Even the bands I listen to are male. So, after watching (and loving btw) Dirty Computer Emotion Picture, I started a playlist with my favorite albums created by women.

Pleasure Activism has many actionable steps but if any of what I wrote here makes you think of things to do, or books/any formatted resources to read, I would be more than happy to receive it. Thankyou so much!!

[Latha]

Hi there, Preble! I'm glad Mikky's advice was so helpful! I've passed on your compliments.

Reading your post, I'm wondering if it would help to regularly see other women be unapologetic and unashamed about their attraction to women, and to hear the details of what they find attractive. Just because of the nature of the societies we grow up in, you might just be more familiar with/have more examples of the concept of being attracted to men. That might be part of what makes it hard to imagine women in your fantasies, along with it feeling less acceptable.

[mikky]

preble!! I am so excited that you found those readings helpful!
Here's sort of a "reading list" of things I think might be enjoyable for you that center women, queerness, and pleasure:

Books:
Zami: A New Spelling of my Name, by Audre Lorde. She called this a "biomythography," and it is all about the women that she was created by/loved by/loved
If you like romance books, or just want some fun cute things to read, I've found Ashley Herring Blake's series, especially Iris Kelly Doesn't Date, to be sweet. I have lots more romance recs, if that is your forte.
The Body is Not an Apology + workbook, by Sonya Renee Taylor
Rubyfruit Jungle is a 1973 lesbian novel. I remember it being a bit "aged" (naturally!) but enjoyed it a lot too

Films
Skate Kitchen- this is a movie based on a real life group of skaters in NYC, and they mostly play themselves. They are so not great at acting and totally wonderful! They ended up making a show as well, but I like the movie best
But I'm a Cheerleader- a classic
Bottoms- it's horny lesbian teenager representation and so much fun

[Preble]

Thankyou so much! im looking forward to checking these out.