Help! I think my asexuality is getting in the way of personal pleasure and I don’t know what to do about it…

[ace_of_spades]

So, first of all, I’ve been browsing this site for quite a bit before 1) “losing my virginity” and 2) making this account (hello everyone!), so I’ve read up on what I thought would be enough articles and post threads to understand myself a little better (in a sexual context, that is). I’ve tried relaxing and really just getting in tune with any desires I have or whatever, seeing what feels good to me and all, but the thing is: I don’t really have any desires. No fantasies, no overwhelming need for sexual pleasure, nothing. Nada. Zilch. I figured this has to do with the fact that I identify as asexual— I mean, that’s kind of the definition in its simplest form. But I know that even asexual people can still enjoy engaging in sex even without that carnal desire, so once I reached that level of comfortability and security with my partner (whom I love and trust very much), I thought I’d give it a go (I make it sound so chill, but in reality there were a lot of “hmmmmm”s and analytical weighing of pros and cons that may or may not have killed the mood, I dunno).
I guess I thought that if I can’t pleasure myself (nor really want to), maybe I’d find pleasure where “it takes two to tango.” And I can’t deny that it was a pretty dang nice experience. However, it wasn’t any more pleasurable than anything else I’ve ever done (and I know that sex isn’t supposed to be “the greatest thing you’ll ever experience” or anything, but it wasn’t even like a drastically new or different experience either, just kinda “whatevs”). Honestly, the best part was knowing how great it made my boyfriend feel.
He’s such a caring and respectful guy who’s been really patient with me and accommodating of my sexuality, but I don’t want him to feel like sex is always going to be so one sided. I could tell he felt bad that he didn’t even get me close to orgasming while he was over there having the time of his life (we’re very communicative with each other, so it’s not like we have to read each other’s minds or anything). And yeah, it’s a little frustrating on my end too, more so out of a place of curiosity than real desire, but I can’t deny that I’d like to know what it’s like to go through the whole shabang of desire to arousal to orgasm et cetera et cetera…
I know we’re both very inexperienced and have hardly scratched the surface of sex, but in all honesty, I don’t really want to dig all that deep. I know what I’m not into, but at the same time I don’t know what I am into, y’know? I know my boundaries, but I’m worried that the road to finally figuring out what turns me on lies beyond them. With where I am right now, I can definitely feel what’s going on down there (hell, when it comes to things like clitoral stimulation, it feels a little too much to the point of discomfort), but that’s all it is: a feeling, no different than brushing the palm of my hand with a feather or poking myself with something sharp. No different from him touching me anywhere else. I guess I’m just worried that because of my sexuality (or lack thereof), that’s all it’ll ever be— a mild feeling. Is there any advice anyone can give me? Even a sympathetic “damn that’s rough buddy” would be appreciated. :p

[char]

Hi ace_of_spades, welcome to the boards

I'm sorry to hear that sex has been challenging to navigate for you. It sounds like being intimate with your boyfriend matters a lot to you, not just mentally but also physically through sex--and it's probably exhausting not being able to feel as much and as intensely as you expected yourself to. At the same time, I'm glad to know that your boyfriend has been supportive and accommodating of your sexuality.

In your post, you mentioned that you don't want your boyfriend to feel like sex is always going to be one-sided. I wonder if this is something that he's explicitly mentioned when discussing about sex, or if there's any particular moment that gave you this impression. How I see it, partnered sex isn't necessarily "one-sided" just because only one person orgasmed. Sex is about making each other feel good, and even if physical pleasure doesn't show up in the way we expected/taught, there's still the joy we feel from being together with our partner(s). Additionally, as you might have read on our articles and message boards, trying to focus on orgasm during solo/partnered sex often ends up with not orgasming since it can drive us anxious. Do you know what I mean? This doesn't mean you should ditch sex altogether of course, but I wonder if you could (or have) consider nonsexual acts of physical intimacy, like holding hands, cuddling, literally sleeping together, and more.

Since you also mentioned not knowing what you'd like from sex, I'd like to suggest this classic article/resource from us. It's a list of things that may come up during sex, from body boundaries to sexual behaviors to safer sex practices. Maybe you've read this one in the past, but it may be a good idea to give it a revisit: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

[ace_of_spades]

Hello, thanks for the quick response!
To answer some of the questions you posed, my worries about a one-sided sexual relationship are mostly founded in the fact that my boyfriend has vocalized that, to put it simply, he feels bad. Like he’s cheating me or not doing enough for me. He really cares about me, so of course he wants to be the best partner he can be for me, but conversely I want to be the same for him, and it pains me to see him so concerned even though I tell him it’s okay and that he’s not doing anything wrong.
I get most of my enjoyment from nonsexual acts of intamacy, like you said. Holding hands, cuddling, hugging and kissing, sleeping together… The core of our relationship really is that romantic connection, that feeling of closeness between us, and a foundation of friendship. Even when we’re being flirtatious or more…I guess traditionally/stereotypically intimate, we’re not afraid to be silly and vulnerable with each other. We’ve both agreed that what we really value is the bond between us, and he knows that I prefer the more wholesome aspects of our relationship, but I still can’t shake the feeling that something’s missing. Not like the misconception that “sex is the best and you need it to feel fulfilled in a relationship!” or anything like that. It’s more like I just want to enjoy things the same way he does. It’s like everyone gets to have two scoops of ice cream, but I can only afford one, and I want that extra scoop because I know ice cream tastes good from what I’ve already had. Maybe the second scoop is a different flavor, maybe I’ll hate it, maybe I’ll love it, but I’ll never know until I figure out how to gather the funds to buy it. And that’s what frustrates me, because in this metaphor, I don’t have the resume needed to get a job to make money for ice cream— at least, not to my knowledge.
I don’t think it’s anxiety that’s acting as a mental block. When we had sex, I wasn’t all that focused on orgasming simply because I suppose I’ve settled with the fact that it’s just not going to happen. Or maybe because I thought there was a chance that it would just…happen without trying? Like, instead of feeling anxious about trying to climax, my head filled with “what if”s and what not, I just…didn’t care. I was just like “yeah, this is happening, neat.” Every time something felt new and exciting, I thought “oh, maybe this is it,” but then…nothing. Could it be that maybe I’m too mentally closed off from the idea of being someone who would ever experience such a thing? I dunno.

[lilikoi]

Hi ace_of_spades,

I'm glad you're thinking through this predicament early on. The question of what we are into is relevant to anyone interested in sex! That being said, I wonder if your ice cream metaphor is making some assumptions about what is a normal or appropriate sexual experience. Not everyone likes ice cream! My sister actually is potentially one of the world's number one fans of ice cream. Actual ice cream lol. And when she talks about it, it's fascinating to me because ice cream isn't any better to me than eating a piece of fruit.

Desire in any realm of life is an extremely personal experience. Even the aspects of sex that interest someone differs person to person. When it comes to something as personal as desire, we should really let our intuition and natural interests guide our exploration. For example, focusing on the part of sex that was nice for you, how are you reflecting on that new information? It sounds like both you and your partner care a lot about the other person's sexual experience. There might be room for your partner to step into your shoes and appreciate that the emotional connection are the parts of sex you are getting pleasure from. For sure, there's a huge emphasis in our world on orgasms and sexual stimulation! Do you think it could be that emphasis that is causing your frustration since your experience isn't matching up with that?

[darkingbog]

hi , i love that we're talking about this. i hope it's okay if i chime in with some thoughts.
i feel like we spend a lot of time as teenagers battling with the "shoulds."
"i SHOULD be feeling something," "there's something i SHOULD be doing," "i SHOULD have a partner like this, like that," yadayada.
what i'm saying is that something i also struggle with is knowing if my feelings about intimacy are "normal" or if there's something missing that i can "unlock."
honestly, it reminds me of a lot of the acephobic things that perpetuate in our heads about pleasure and what that means, unless you're "the exception," unless you "don't feel what you SHOULD." does that make sense?
i want you to know that you're not alone, i occupy the space where i wonder what i am a LOT.
i think it's great that you've found the asexuality spectrum to be an affirming place to be, hopefully one that helps you understand yourself and communicate with your boyfriend. (seems like it!)
to me, some of my first sexual experiences felt like "oh cool, neat," and not something explosively pleasurable or amazing. my secret is that i think that might be okay! it's not you or your partners fault actually.
there's a concept that i learned about recently, i think it's "sex exceptionalism." it's about how we as a society view sex as this very special experience that is unlike anything else.
we know that theres all kinds of sex, and all kinds of experiences of it, so why do we treat it like this very coveted thing? i dunno, but this idea (of understanding sex in a less taboo and coveted light) is interesting to me. what would it be like to treat the sexual things you do with your boyfriend as "just something we do sometimes?" if you enjoy that time with him, why not?

i hope you have a good day!

-darkingbog

[darkingbog]

oh, also. i wanted to add something after reading your most recent response. sex (and masturbation) with racing thoughts is HARD. not in the nice way, either!!!! i feel you on that part, about being with a partner who is experiencing something (that seems) different from you. it's like you wanna chase whatever feeling they're having, or you're convinced you can't have it in the first place. that sounds really frustrating, and like something that's hard to communicate about! i wonder if there are ways to make it feel more fulfilling, without expecting ourselves to feel a different way. hm.