Girl thinks she's pregnant, what am I supposed to do?

[rodi]

Thank you Heather, hopefully by Sunday she'll have the pills in hand, if she wants it. It's her choice, I know it, I'm not trying to push anything on her, she's completely free to decide. It's the opposite of denying her autonomy, I want to make sure she has all the choices available to her at hand, so she can decide. It's just that terminating the pregnancy is clearly the best choice for everyone, it's safer and we can live life as normal, so that's what I hope she will decide, I'm not telling this to her, that I wish she does that, dad told me that can come across as forceful, I'm stupid enough to possibly get her pregnant, but I'm not going to harass her. It's just what's best for both of us, specially her, and I hope she chooses that.

Also I told her about this site, I also sent her the links to aid access, she doesn't speak English but I told she can use google translate, I told her its anonymous cause she was angry I was talking about it online. I hope she joins, she can ask questions about things I'm not thinking about because I'm a guy and not the one pregnant. It'll help us deal with it sooner and safer.

I know pregnancy tests are rarely false positive, you told me that, dad told me that, I read that online, it's just that i'm hopeful, maybe it's all just a scare and it'l be even simpler than what we are thinking. She wouldn't need to induce miscarriage and dad wouldn't need to impose whatever rules he's thinking about. Same for the possibility of she choosing to keep it, she can do that, but I hope she doesn't, because if she does, then I'll worry about it. I had a teenage dad, I remember my dad when he went to high school, we lived with my grandparents and they were responsible for both of us, but it was complicated, and i'm not 1/1000th of the man my dad is, so i just don't like to think about it happening, even if I know it can happen. It's thinking positively, not denial.

And heather don't worry about how she's treating me, she's not doing it out of malice, she's just confused and scared, I'm the one who might have put a thing in her that will sap the calcium out of her bones, as you said. That sounds terrifying, I can handle a few bad words thrown at me.

When I asked for the symptoms, it was of the miscarriage, not the pregnancy, if she's pregnant, hopefully she won't be long enough to feel the symptoms, so the miscarriage will be the problem, cause her parents might notice, I read online it's indistinguishable from natural miscarriage. I also asked dad about abortions being illegal, he had whole lecture, he said it's an evil law meant to harm some women, that hundreds of thousands of clandestine abortions are made in the country each year and in ten years less than 100 women were sentenced for that, that being less than 10% of the ones investigated, and that's less than 1% of women in jail. He said it's a law to punish poor black women for being poor black women and not for having an abortion, that kids who look like us with our backgrounds wouldn't get into trouble for that unless her parents decide to make it a problem and that would only be the doctor who provides the pill in the worst of worst cases, which might be my grandpa I think. To me that's just one more reason to not involve her parents and why I need to find alternatives in case dad chickens out.

There's a solution right there and things will go back to normal, even if she's pregnant everything will be ok. I might even compete this sunday if everything goes well, or go out with my friends and I'm single now, my ex is spreading gossip that I'm a cheater, but it'll die out too. Things look much better than when she told me, having our futures back.

[Latha]

Hi there, Rodi. I'm a volunteer here--Heather will be checking in on Sunday, so I hope it is alright that I and our other staff/volunteers respond to you till then.

I want to start by saying that I'm sorry to hear that you're in this stressful and complicated situation. We're here to support you, and I hope it will be resolved as smoothly as possible.

I agree with your father that it is better not to tell this girl what will be the best option, or how things will feel if she takes a certain decision. I understand you are not planning to mention it, but if you want more context to that recommendation: you get to have your own story about what this experience means to you, and so she gets to have her own too. Perhaps life will go back to normal for her, but she may feel differently. At this point, she is still facing having to tell her parents about what has happened and the possibility of censure from the people who are close to her. Even if that wasn't the case, experiencing the risk of having to carry a pregnancy she doesn't want is scary enough, and may be something she needs time to heal from.

In a similar way, it is okay for you to be hopeful and imagine the possibility that all this is a scare, and that there isn't a pregnancy to worry about. That said, all evidence we have points in one direction, so when you are planning for what you should do with her or your father, it is important to act and speak on the basis that you are dealing with a pregnancy. Focus on the practical things you can do to support her when you are with her, and on the things you can do to support yourself, okay?

Heather said this in their last post, and I also agree: I would not recommend circumventing both her parents and your father if he decides to tell them. It is important for you to speak to this girl first, to get a sense of how she would like this conversation to go and what things are like at home, but there may be no way to keep this from her parents in a way that is safer for the two of you. I appreciate that you are trying to take the initiative, but in this case, I think it is important to work with your father on anything you want to do. It sounds like he is in your corner and is working to find the best forward for for you, and he also seems to have your neighbor's best interests in mind.

When I asked for the symptoms, it was of the miscarriage, not the pregnancy

Yes, it is correct that the symptoms are similar to miscarriages. The main symptoms that she could expect include cramping and bleeding--more than might happen with a period. She might also have spotting for a while, and have nausea, vomiting, and head pain. It might be difficult to hide all of this from the people she lives with, and she might end up needing their help. Most of the time, these can be handled at home, but sometimes people have strong enough symptoms that they need to see a doctor immediately. Does that answer your question?

I can handle a few bad words thrown at me.

It is good of you to give her grace while she is feeling so scared, but if you need to step away from a conversation to self-regulate or ask her not to say certain things because you are trying your best to help her, remember that would be okay.

I'm stupid enough to possibly get her pregnant,

It is true that you and this girl could have made safer decisions about sex. But I hope you won't blame yourself. If you lived somewhere else, in a place where reproductive health care and education was more accessible, if your neighbor's parents were more supportive, and if the two of you had better access to education about sex and pregnancy, you would not be going through all this stress. You would likely have known that withdrawal doesn't work too well as a method of contraception. You would have had access to birth control. If your partner did get pregnant, she would be more free to chose the option that was right for her without worrying about whether her family and community would support her. A different environment would likely make this a simple mistake--not preferable perhaps, but easily manageable. The fact that it isn't is not fair to either of you. It is unfortunate, and I am sorry for that again.

What do you think of this? How can we best support you now?

[rodi]

Hi Latha, sorry I didn't answer yesterday, things are complicated. I feel like no one sees hows serious this is and how simple it's to solve.

My dad is trying to speak to her first, before talking to her parents, but he won't listen to me when I say its a bad idea to involve them. He also told me to not speak to her until they have a talk, he said I can sound like I'm imposing a choice on her, so that means he doesn't trust me, at least he didn't take my stuff. He also made me talk to a a bad therapist friend of his, she didn't help me much. I don't want to push dad too much cause I don't want him to get depressed, but he's also talking like there's multiple possible things that can happen when only one can happen and it's pissing me off.

Then there's her, she says her parents think something is wrong cause she's crying a lot. We should be doing this as fast as we can, and I know I can't force her to do anything, but she's scaring me too, she said she had a dream he was born and looked like my little brother, I tell her what would actually happen if she gave birth and she says she knows and she wants to terminate it, but she'll say things sometimes like it's even a possibility it'll be born and if her parents knew they could try to twist her mind towards that. Is there anything I can do to make sure she chooses right? Not forcing her or anything, just to make sure she won't be tricked.

It's like a minefield too, she wants to go to medical school, so I told her it's basically impossible with a baby, then she got angry at me saying she knows that and that my dad went to university anyways. It's like no matter what I do everyone gets angry. How do I do anything without people thinking I'm the worst person in the world? No one seems to understand what's at stake.

Maybe I do deserve this, I did have sex education and dad always told me about condoms and safe sex, but i always did everything right beforehand and it worked, it was just this time that things might have gone wrong.

Now everything is going in circles, no one takes me seriously even though I'm the only one who sees what's happening and how to solve it. Is there really nothing I can do that doesn't depend on other people? I don't mean slipping a pill on her food or anything like that, non psychopath stuff, depending on other people sucks when it feels like they are ok pushing me off a cliff.

[Sofi]

Hi rodi. I'm all caught up on your situation and wanted to come in and share some thoughts so you're not waiting until tomorrow for Heather to be back.

I can tell you're still pretty distraught by all this, and I totally get it - like you said, this is serious. I think everyone else understands that too, but they are taking more time to really think about it rather than jumping to anything too quickly. It's crucial that you give them (your dad and mostly your friend) the proper time and space to process this. From the sound of it, you're applying some pressure to her, which is not okay. Ultimately it's her decision because it's her body, and if she decides to have the baby, you can't force her to change her mind. It sounds like she doesn't want to go through with the pregnancy, but if she does change her mind as you said she might, that's her choice to make and you will have to respect that. Telling her she won't be able to go to medical school is also not okay - she very well could do both, or not, but that's up to her and making her feel crappy about it is not nice and is basically pressuring her to get an abortion.

It does sound like there might be some oversimplification of what this means for her. It's really not as simple to terminate a pregnancy as you're making it seem, especially in a country where abortions are illegal. The fact that she is taking her time to make this decision is because she knows it's not that simple, she's the one who has to go through with either a pregnancy or a risky abortion. Since you're not the one who is pregnant, it seems more simple to you, but please keep in mind none of this is simple and it's okay for her to take her time to think it through.

I don't believe it's productive or fair for you to position yourself as a victim here who everyone is mad at and they all think you're a horrible person. Everyone's feelings in this are valid - yours, your friend's, your dad's, and her parents are all going to have different reactions and thoughts and opinions. It is not your responsibility to convince everyone that you're right, because this isn't a black-and-white situation where there is a right and a wrong. That's also a lot of pressure to put on yourself to be the one to convince everyone, so it's doing yourself a disservice as well. The best thing here for now is to let everyone (especially your friend) think it through without trying to influence their thoughts and decisions. You two are not really good for each other right now based on how your interactions have been these past couple of days, so some space will be good.

To answer your question... no, there's nothing you can do to "make sure she chooses right", because again, there is no wrong or right here. That's subjective and while I understand why to you, the right thing to do is to get an abortion, that might not be what she decides is right for her and since she's the one that has to deal with a pregnancy, childbirth, and most of the responsibilities after the baby is born, it's her who gets to choose. You have to sit with this and accept it, because fighting against it is only going to cause you more frustration and stress.

To be clear: you don't deserve this, you didn't do anything evil, and you're not a monster. You made a bad decision, which now has consequences. Unfortunately, even if things went your way before, it only takes one time for things to go wrong, as you can see. But it's not the end of the world, so I want to see if you have any way to release some tension and stress and distract your mind. Are there any activities you can do to keep you busy but relaxed on your free time? Stuff like sports/working out, crafts/art/hands-on activities, or any other hobbies you might have. I don't want you to just sit around overthinking and spiraling about this. <3

[rodi]

Hi sofi, i didn't mean for it to sound like that, I don't want to be an asshole and pressure her, I know it's not easy. Even dad was telling me how she might choose to keep this thing. I'm not the victim, didn't mean to put myself like that. Right now, people are askig me what is happening, my bros at the gym's whataspp group, football so i might tap out for today, I'm tired, sorry if i don't answer.Just wanted to say it's no like that, I don't want to force anyone to do anything.

[Heather]

We get that, rodi, but I also agree with Sofi. In order to avoid pressuring her in any way -- because at this point, it really need to be her choice and only her choice unless she invites you to help her make it, since she is the one most impacted by this -- you really can't say things to her like that a child will limit her life. Instead, if you are to be there for her (and it may be that you two don't have the kind of relationship where you can even do that very well, especially now that you both have your own interest in the outcome with all this), you need to work really hard to not talk about what you feel is best, eventhough I get that's going to be difficult, because this does impact you too, and you, clearly, have only one choice with this you want her to make.

But there's no rushing this process, so unless she is coming to you right now asking for you to do something here that you can actually do, I see no reason you can't give yourself downtime from this. It's actually going to be very good for you because being laser-focused on something scary and stressful for days or weeks on end is awful for everyone's health and well-being. <3

[rodi]

Hi people.

Some things are happening today, dad is bringing his psycholgoist friend to talk to her tonight, he said he needed a woman so its not just men scaring her. He also said yesterday that I shouldn't talk to her at all for now, that she needs to think and make her own decisions and that I have to accept that she might keep the child and could only be saying that she wants an abortion because there's an angry and nervous big guy telling her its the best option she has, and she told me i was scaring her. Did i stop being a boy and now i am a big threatening man , who knows, feels like shit.

I have questions, I don't want to ask dad cause I can't ask them in person because they are stupid or will make him think i'm a bad person, I hope it's alright if I ask here, some might be gross.

Dad says there's a real chance she chooses to give birth, I asked him what happens to me if she does, he said we'll talk about it, but right now I should focus on what is straight ahead and get on a stable state. I'm, but he doesnt see that. so, what will happen to me if she chooses to give birth? can i even do anything? will there be a baby for real? 10 years from now there'll be a child calling me dad? can i even love it? can it love me? what if i don't want ot be part of that, what can i do? and what if i do? can i even choose anything at this point, or just wait for people to tell me what i have to do?

I know this will sound like dumb boy saying dumb shit, but could this embryo be doing something to me? It sounds stupid and like magic and makes no sense and there's no way it'd even work, but I feel and I'm weak now and it's not a mental thing because it's been affecting my body too, at the gym i had to reduce all my weights which means i'm losing progress in my strength training, playing football i was running out of breath doing the most basic things and today i didn't even go to school cause i was so tired. I don't know how it works, i'm not connected to the embryo, but i feel like it's trying to kill me, can that happen? it's not like i'm waiting for her to decide on a child but whether or not i'm on death row.

Dad said she needs to do exam and it'd tell how old the pregnancy is, it'd be possible to confirm if i'm really the one responsible. What if i'm not, what happens? what if it's born and it shows i'm not the dad? dad says to accept that i most likely am and said that's because of what i did, how can he know that?

I haven't talked to her today, i don't want to be a scary guy threatening her, but last we spoke she was telling me how the embryo has a heartbeat and she thinks it's a boy. I told her its just a bunch of cells right now, it could become a baby, but only if she wants to. Could she really choose to have a baby, like a whole ass baby growing inside her? i'm not trying to ignore it's her choice, i just want ot understand, why would she do that? it'd be awful for both of us, but she's imagining its a baby already and that's so fucking scary.

Dad said that if sie gives birth but doesn't want the baby, it could live with him, that this child would have a good life, so like what happened to me when we lived with my grandparents, but it was different, the woman who gave birth to me wasn't around, she got away with what she stole and what she did to dad as long as she never made contact, but it was like that because of what she did, now marcela is just a girl, she didn't do anything bad to me, she'd still live right below us, what if i want nothing to do with her, is that my option too? what if i don't want the baby living where i live, do i have any choice?

i'm single right now, and i know it's stupid thinking about that, but if she has a baby could i even date again? who'd want a 15 year old dad? i remembr when dad was young and all his relationships were very short and all the girls hed date were awful, even when i was 3 i knew that. who will want to date me if i have a baby momma living so close to me? my ex is already spreading gossip that i cheated?

i'm really scared of ever having sex again, it's been weeks since i last had even before all this, but something is wrong, it sounds gross but i woke up today and had to change my bedsheets cause it seems i had a wet dream, but it couldn't have been one cause i didn't even have those thoughts about girls ever since she told me, but something happened last night and before that i wasn't even having sex with my girlfriend much because when we did, i'd ejaculate without even feeling an orgasm, and i think it was because things with her got boring, but maybe there's something wrong with my body? maybe that's how this pregnancy happened, instead of it being my fault and me doing something wrong when pulling out, could that change my responsibility and make so it's not my fault if she's pregnant and it's mine?

Do I have to tell anyone? My bros are worried about me, they want to come see me because they think something is wrong with me, missed school and was doing bad at training, coaches thinks i'm slacking, but i don't want anyone to know, in case it turns out to not be a thing or she aborts, i want to go back to being how things were before, what if she tells people? we don't have the same friend group, we don't even go to the same school, our schools don't even speak the same language, but people would know.

What if her parents do somethign bad to her, like turn abusive or take her away somewhere else or prevent her from getting an abortion, what can i do? could they hate me even more even though there's a chance i'm their grandchild's father? will i be forever tormented by them?

if she has a baby, could i still go to college if i want to, could her? will it be forever just me thinkign i have a kid? could it happen again? i overheard dad and grandpa and uncle talking and they were discussing how to keep it from happening again, grandpa said that boys who do this once might end up doing it again, they don't trust me even though it's not even really confirmed she's actually pregnant or that its mine.

what if it keeps happening, i get to dad's age and boom my kid has a kid, am i screwing my whole family?

[Heather]

I will respond to the rest of this, but I first want to make sure that she has ASKED your father for someone to talk to? If not, he is WAY overstepping by bringing in anyone to talk with her, and I think it's really not okay that he is trying to do this. Thius, yet again, feels like pressure being put on her.

[Heather]

While I'm waiting to hear back on that first question, I'm going to tackle the rest of your post, rodi.

He also said yesterday that I shouldn't talk to her at all for now, that she needs to think and make her own decisions and that I have to accept that she might keep the child and could only be saying that she wants an abortion because there's an angry and nervous big guy telling her its the best option she has, and she told me i was scaring her.

As I have said in my previous replies to you, I do not think ANYONE should be talking with her about her choices she is not asking to talk with her about her choices. For the record, I have worked as a pregnancy options counselor both in an abortion clinic and in my decades working here, so this is something I am very well-versed in. If and when she does ask for you to talk with her about what initial choice she wants to make with this pregnancy, I think active listening -- I can talk to you about how to do that if you like -- is the way to go, not talking about your choices and feelings, with one exception. If she wants to know how you feel about parenting, I think that is one place where not only can you be honest, but you should be honest. After all, knowing how much or how little you think you might want to be involved and how you'd feel about it is information that will help inform her choices.We can talk more about that if you like if she does ask you to talk about that with her at any point.

Dad says there's a real chance she chooses to give birth, I asked him what happens to me if she does, he said we'll talk about it, but right now I should focus on what is straight ahead and get on a stable state. I'm, but he doesn't see that. so, what will happen to me if she chooses to give birth? can i even do anything? will there be a baby for real? 10 years from now there'll be a child calling me dad? can i even love it? can it love me? what if i don't want ot be part of that, what can i do? and what if i do? can i even choose anything at this point, or just wait for people to tell me what i have to do?

Right now, there's nothing you can do, and a lot of these questions are impossible to answer from here, because they're things you will simply find out. But you most likely do not have to be part of a child's life if you don't want to: this is one reason why we keep telling you things are so much different for her than for you -- she doesn't have that same luxury, in a handful of ways. You don't have to wait for someone to tell you what to do right now, but in this moment, you do need to wait for her to decide if she is going to choose to remain pregnant or try and terminate the pregnancy. After that, there will be potentially some more options for you and choices for you to make, depending on what she decides she wants to do when it comes to involving you.

I know this will sound like dumb boy saying dumb shit, but could this embryo be doing something to me? It sounds stupid and like magic and makes no sense and there's no way it'd even work, but I feel and I'm weak now and it's not a mental thing because it's been affecting my body too, at the gym i had to reduce all my weights which means i'm losing progress in my strength training, playing football i was running out of breath doing the most basic things and today i didn't even go to school cause i was so tired. I don't know how it works, i'm not connected to the embryo, but i feel like it's trying to kill me, can that happen? it's not like i'm waiting for her to decide on a child but whether or not i'm on death row.

No, the embryo in her body cannot impact you in any way. It's in her body, not yours. But stress impacts our bodies, and you are under a gargantuan amount of stress, so I am not surprised to hear that you feel fatigued. Since your father clearly has the ability to contact a therapist for someone else, I would strongly suggest you ask him to help YOU find one -- that's a lot more appropriate than him trying to connect her with someone if she hasn't asked, and an extra person who can be a sounding board for you would probably help you an awful lot. Can you ask him for that?

Dad said she needs to do exam and it'd tell how old the pregnancy is, it'd be possible to confirm if i'm really the one responsible. What if i'm not, what happens? what if it's born and it shows i'm not the dad? dad says to accept that i most likely am and said that's because of what i did, how can he know that?

She seemed to be very clear that she was not with someone else, so I see no reason to assume that isn't true, though I certainly understand you wanting to think differently. If and when it turns out there is a baby and that isn't the case, that's something we can address when it happens, but given how she responded to you when you accused her of being with someone else when it comes to this, I think you'd do best accepting this is based in the unprotected sex you two had, as hard as that is to accept.

I haven't talked to her today, i don't want to be a scary guy threatening her, but last we spoke she was telling me how the embryo has a heartbeat and she thinks it's a boy. I told her its just a bunch of cells right now, it could become a baby, but only if she wants to. Could she really choose to have a baby, like a whole ass baby growing inside her? i'm not trying to ignore it's her choice, i just want ot understand, why would she do that? it'd be awful for both of us, but she's imagining its a baby already and that's so fucking scary.

This early into a pregnancy there is not a heartbeat, and that's not something someone can feel at any stage of pregnancy: some people confuse flutters or kicks for that, but that's not something she can feel yet, either. But it isn't uncommon for pregnant people to romanticize pregnancy like this.

I can't speak to why she would choose to have a baby, because people's reasons for wanting to do that -- or not really wanting to do that, but not wanting to do an adoption or terminate a pregnancy -- are vast. Only she can know or speak to what her thoughts, feelings or reasons are. I understand why this is scary to you, though.

Dad said that if sie gives birth but doesn't want the baby, it could live with him, that this child would have a good life, so like what happened to me when we lived with my grandparents, but it was different, the woman who gave birth to me wasn't around, she got away with what she stole and what she did to dad as long as she never made contact, but it was like that because of what she did, now marcela is just a girl, she didn't do anything bad to me, she'd still live right below us, what if i want nothing to do with her, is that my option too? what if i don't want the baby living where i live, do i have any choice?

I think your Dad is engaging in some magical thinking here, and it's not very responsible, either. You've made clear from your experiences being parented by him that while he tries very hard, he's not really equipped for it in other ways, so he seems to me to be taking a very unrealistic view of both his own capacity, but also the situation. Your Marcela's parents looking to your Dad for an adoption feels exceptionally unrealistic, and not like something she or they would even remotely ask for, so I don't see any reason for you to worry about this or for your Dad to be talking about this like it's a real possibility. I just do not think it is, at all. You have enough to worry about. Don't worry about this.

i'm single right now, and i know it's stupid thinking about that, but if she has a baby could i even date again? who'd want a 15 year old dad? i remembr when dad was young and all his relationships were very short and all the girls hed date were awful, even when i was 3 i knew that. who will want to date me if i have a baby momma living so close to me? my ex is already spreading gossip that i cheated?

It's not stupid to think about your own future. People date single dads of all ages all the time (I have several in my own dating history, if that's any consolation, and I have the option to not even date men at all!), and emotionally mature people don't get insecure because someone lives near the mother of their children. Emotionally mature people also understand that people make mistakes. Most likely this situation all by itself won't have a big impact on your dating life, but how you handle it is what will. If you've been crappy to this girl or a kid she has, then yes, fewer people will most likely want to date you, but if you've done your best, I assure you, people worth dating will understand. Your dad's choices in who he dated also will have had as much to do with who he chose and who he was in those relationships as who he dated. I know he's been through a lot, but he still has had and does have agency. <3

i'm really scared of ever having sex again, it's been weeks since i last had even before all this, but something is wrong, it sounds gross but i woke up today and had to change my bedsheets cause it seems i had a wet dream, but it couldn't have been one cause i didn't even have those thoughts about girls ever since she told me, but something happened last night and before that i wasn't even having sex with my girlfriend much because when we did, i'd ejaculate without even feeling an orgasm, and i think it was because things with her got boring, but maybe there's something wrong with my body? maybe that's how this pregnancy happened, instead of it being my fault and me doing something wrong when pulling out, could that change my responsibility and make so it's not my fault if she's pregnant and it's mine?

Wet dreams can happen just because of the friction of sheets, and too, we often won't remember everything we dream about, so people have sexual dreams all the time without knowing. Nothing is wrong with your body, and I don't see any reason to think this pregnancy happened besides the most likely and most obvious: it happened because you two had intercourse without using an effective form of contraception. That's how pregnancy most typically happens. It's not about your fault for not pulling out "correctly" btw: as I told you early on, withdrawal is a deeply ineffective form of contraception because it is actually pretty difficult for a person to pull out in time, since by the time you are feeling it's time, ejaculation has usually started already.

In the future, if you want to prevent pregnancy, you just need to do what the rest of us do who want to do that: use an effective form of contraception. Condoms are easy to come by and easy to use, and people rarely even know they are on when you learn to use them properly. At the very least, you can just always make sure to use a condom, and you can also say no to any intercourse where your partner isn't also using a method of their own, to be as safe as you can be.

Do I have to tell anyone? My bros are worried about me, they want to come see me because they think something is wrong with me, missed school and was doing bad at training, coaches thinks i'm slacking, but i don't want anyone to know, in case it turns out to not be a thing or she aborts, i want to go back to being how things were before, what if she tells people? we don't have the same friend group, we don't even go to the same school, our schools don't even speak the same language, but people would know.

Who you tell is up to you, but again, I'd encourage you to seek out and tell a therapist, if possible, because I think you clearly could use some more support and at least one other reasonable and objective sounding board.

You can't control who she tells, though, but let's cross that bridge if it happens, okay? When you are so stressed out like this, you really want to try to limit what you are worrying about to what is actually on your plate at the moment or that you absolutely need to think about or plan for in advance.

What if her parents do somethign bad to her, like turn abusive or take her away somewhere else or prevent her from getting an abortion, what can i do? could they hate me even more even though there's a chance i'm their grandchild's father? will i be forever tormented by them?

Again, this is outside your control and not presently happening, to the best of your knowledge, so I would not ruminate on this right now.

if she has a baby, could i still go to college if i want to, could her? will it be forever just me thinkign i have a kid? could it happen again? i overheard dad and grandpa and uncle talking and they were discussing how to keep it from happening again, grandpa said that boys who do this once might end up doing it again, they don't trust me even though it's not even really confirmed she's actually pregnant or that its mine.

It could happen again, but it is unlikely to if you are more responsible and always use effective methods of contraception properly, something entirely within your power. I don't love how your family is talking about this, because this part is not at all complicated.

Can you both still go to college if there is a baby? Yes. People do it all the time. Is it harder? Yep. Do you -- or does she -- have to make some arrangements or concessions people without kids don't? Yep. But this truly doesn't have to be a giant catastrophe, and I don't think you are helping yourself by thinking about it that way. Again, if and when we get here -- to one or both of you wanting to go to college if there is a baby -- we can talk about that when the time comes, but please understand that it is doable. People do it all the time.

what if it keeps happening, i get to dad's age and boom my kid has a kid, am i screwing my whole family?

Well, you have the option of doing a better job than was done with you when it comes to helping your kid make better and more responsible sexual choices. One of the benefits of making a mistake is that if we let ourselves learn from it, we can do better at something than we would have otherwise. You know now that just giving someone condoms and being upset when they start having sex is not particularly helpful, so hopefully, if and when you are a dad, you will do more for your kid or kids, like by accepting their sexual lives and being engaged with them so you can support and help them with their choices, and help them do all they can to assure those choices don't create hardships for them. <3

[rodi]

I don't know if she asked him. it's the kids table for me on this, don't even know how he's going to get her here to talk. I'm just here watching johannes luckas videos and tren twins and doug demruo cause i'm a dumb guywaiting to see how i'm sentenced.

I don't now what they will talk about, if he'll talk to her about her options, its all beyond me, i don't even know if i'm explaining right, i'm dumb, my head is full and there's like a three language translation layer to this. Dad is a smart guy but he cracks under pressure and this is all close to him, he tends to spiral down and think fo the worst outcomes, but now he's weirdly optimistic i thought he was going to be devastated and think its the same what happened to him, nothing makes sense anymore. i don't even know where this talk about keeping the baby here, he's constnatly having discussions with his wife because she wants another baby and he doesn't, saying he's tired and she doesn't help thinks nannies solve everything, hope he doesn't find this cause i'm not supposed to know this, but heather, see, it makes no sense, dad should be in bed depressed.

I don't want a therapist, I've been to therapy before, other stuff in the past, but i got better and now dad made me talk to one last week but it was really bad, people keep trying to baby me, don't think of this yet, don't worry about that for now, but want me to take full responsibility if things happen. And i know it's my fault and my responsibility, but i also want ot be treated like a real part to this, not liek being told to sit down and just wait.

and please, don't think dad didn't teach me about sex education, i was taught, provided condoms, tauh e about consent, about how to know if someone is doing something ot me, about everything and how etc. i'm dumb, i don't like condoms they smell strange and they break skin contact, they feel like having sex through an umbrella and fit weirdly tight and that takes from the feeling, but I was taught and given acces, it's my fault. I just don't want it to feel like its his fault because he might crash, we were stupid and didn't follow what i was taught. It's on me, not anyone else, i think even knew more than her, so it's my fault too, i'm the bad guy, not my dad.

You worked with pregnancy options, what do girls her age usually choose? i know i was told abortion isn't that simple for her, but why? i am not trying to convince her, or anything, i'm not even trying to change anything, i just want to understand, i'm not a girl, i'm not pregnant, i don'tk now her pov, i can't even ask her because that's threatening and that's bad, but why would anyone think having an accident baby is better, specially with me, she doesn't even know how i was conceived. Can i even understand?

[Heather]

So, it sounds like that therapist last week wasn't a good one for you, but you so, so obviously need more support than you are getting or than we can provide for you. I also think you need to find someone you can talk to who can talk to you about whys your Dad hasn't done a great job or might not be serving you well without you reacting so protectively and reactively. I get it, like I said, I am also an SA survivor, and I have also had a parent I loved so much who was put through a lot and did their best: but I don't think that this is helping you. I also am seeing you describe some parts of his relationship that are obviously complicating this for you and inclining him to some ideas and behavior here that 100% will not serve you or Marcela. It's very hard to set limits with someone or have agency with this if you won't at least let yourself accept that they are only human like everyone else and that they, too, don't always handle things well. If you can't at least get there, you won't be able to advocate for yourself with your Dad and other adults like you want to. I strongly suspect only a therapist could really do this kind of work with you with any success.

But if you just don't want to seek out someone else -- we often won't find a good match in a therapist with a first try -- I can't make you, I can only let you know that our capacity has limits and that it seems some things I think would be helpful here are things you don't seem able to do with us or want to.

So, per the condoms, sounds to me like you have only tried male or outside latex condoms that don't fit you right, and probably without knowing how to use lubricant in a way that helps, too. My advice would be to switch to a polyurethane condom -- they conduct body heat in a way latex does not and feel soft like skin with no smell -- and to use them in the way that makes condoms feel best, with plenty of lube on the outside and a few drops on the inside. If that still doesn't feel right, you can try inside or female condoms, which don't even go on your penis at all and are just as effective. Of course, too, that your skin isn't directly touching someone else's skin also isn't the big loss it seems like you are thinking of it as. After all, it's mot like loads of people haven't had amazing sexual experiences without even taking their clothes off, they have. And, suffice it to say, it often does a whole lot for our sexual lives and experiences to avoid STIs and pregnancies (and children) we don't want or will have to put first in our lives. So, some of this is also clearly the way you are thinking about all of this, not just using what I bet are low-quality condoms poorly.

I'm not the only one who can give you this kind of advice or education, either, so I really need to push back on some of this. As a longtime and award-winning sex educator for young people and families, I feel highly qualified to evaluate the job someone's parents have done when it comes to sex ed. I have a very good sense of how well it was done or not, and what gaps or missed communication opportunities have happened: that's part of my job.

I need you to try and understand that abortion is rarely simple for anyone who is pregnant, just like making these choices are rarely simple. It almost always all seems simpler to people who can't themselves experience pregnancy (which is a big part of why it's so grotesque when places like Brazil or the United States have cisgender men making the laws about pregnancy and abortion).

Knowing that a possible life is growing inside your own body tends to create a big sense of responsibility, as well as it feeling like a very high-stakes choice, because once you make that choice, you can't take it back. You -- and no one else, because it's inside your body -- are forced to try and make a choice for two or more people, one of whom -- the embryo -- can't tell you about what they want or what's best for them. It's really hard a lot of the time. It is also particularly high stakes for anyone who has grown up with or is in anti-abortion communities or families, because those people have very commonly been indoctrinated to believe that they are engaging in a grievous sin, murder, even (even though it is 100% not that at all), which obviously makes these choices so, so much harder. Plus, just because someone is young doesn't mean that they don't have the desire to be a parent, even if the conditions are bad: it can feel to a lot of people like you might not get a chance to be pregnant again, even if and when there absolutely is that chance. And of course, in countries or areas where abortion is criminalized, the person themselves engaging in abortion is taking potentially HUGE risks: I feel like you (and potentially the men in your family, to boot) keep forgetting what the abortion climate is in Brazil. People are also often more scared of abortion than pregnancy and delivery, even though when abortion is (actually) legal and safe, it is much less dangerous: when a culture feeds into those fears, it's even harder to discount them.

There is no one thing all young women choose when they become pregnant accidentally. Like I said, what people choose vaires, because people and their circumstances vary so much.

[rodi]

I'll see a therapist, not because I want to but because the adults say I have to my only choices are being a asshole and make it difficult or accept it, I can try to make it work but i feel like i make everything worse. It's also too much, everyone is smarter than me and tell me different things but no one wants to tell the things i want to hear, which of course they wont i'm worst person on earth, of course what i want is a bad thing, and i don't even know if i understand what people are saying. i try to change focus, thin kof something else but i can't, i an't survive 9 months of this, much less 18 year and likely more.

My friends came to visit they didn't stay long, i'm scared that when they find out they will just make fun of me, will i still have friends if this child is born? or will i need to find new ones?

What happnes if she gives birth, but doesnt me around, can i still be around my child? can i be a dad if she comes to hate me? i dont want her to hate me, i don't know how make her not hate me, but i also don't want to be with her. I don't even know what i want. i watching videos online and they keep saying i need to step up, to help her, but i don't know how to do it, how can i step up? help her? I don't even have any skills for anything, i do sports, play video games, my grades arent even that good, none of that helps here, i don't even know if me run away somewhere and stop making it worse for everyone wouldn't be the best i can do, even if it sounds really stupid.

And I told before, dad said abortions are illegal, but it's an evil law and women are rarely punished for it directly, it's used to deny access to healthcare, shame them, make it more difficult to do, but women get abortions all the time. i'm not talking this because i want it to happen, its just how it is, i'm not just wish things to be easy, i know they aren't.

an it's all been too much information, i need something more simple to digest,, ist there anything i can do right now besides just staying in my room waiting?

[Heather]

rodi, since you've made clear that answering all of your many questions gives too much information -- a thing that is going to happen when you ask so many questions, alas -- I think that it makes more sense right now to take a breather from asking more here. You can perhaps also understand that given it takes work and considerable time to answer everything for you, I'm not super inclined to answer more when you're telling me you're already overloaded.

Why don't you take a day or so to just do some things you can to let some of your stress out, and maybe, if you want something to focus on per what you can do, work on seeking out some therapeutic support for yourself. Both of those are solid things you can do. How about you and I check in again tomorrow or Thursday?

I do want to say that I don't think your Dad is the right person to be talking about abortion the way he is per what risks women do or should take, and I don't think you should get on board with some of the way he's treating this.

By all means, criminalizing abortion is something I deeply disagree with and that comes from a place of control by people who don't even themselves often become pregnant. But your Dad is also one of those people, even though he may not feel like he is, given how his parenthood of you came to pass, but the fact remains that he is not someone who could himself get or have an abortion or be at risk of being jailed if he did. And yes, people who can get pregnant do still get abortions even when they are not legal, but in Brazil, many of those are clandestine and physically dangerous -- the medical journal The Lancet reports that around 250,000 women are hospitalized every year in Brazil due to illegal abortion complications -- and even for those who can access and use the pill, you cannot discount the fear of being caught and punished nor what it feels like to do something like that knowing you have to hide it. So I would encourage you not to be cavalier in your thinking about abortion where you live, even if your family members are. It's nowhere near as simple or cut and dry as they're making it sound, and as people who won't ever themselves become pregnant to perhaps have to choose to take those risks, this just feels very out of line to me.

[Heather]

Hi there, rodi. I just wanted to check in on you and see how you were holding up. <3

[rodi]

Hi heather, i'm just taking some time away from the internet and everything, trying to clear my mind, organize thoughts and all that. I'm still alive, just in low power mode.

I also want to say I'm sorry, when I first asked here, I didn't really want help, I wanted someone to tell me this isn't happening and if it's happening it has nothing to do with me and every time you or the volunteers didn't tell me what I wanted to hear I got more upset and wasn't very appreciative of the your work. I'm really sorry.

[Heather]

I think it's probably really good for you to take that time for yourself, and I wholly support you in that! I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay. I hope this time and space is restorative for you.

I appreciate that apology, but I also understand. Honestly, that's how a lot of people come in here or into any kind of crisis service, and those of us who work these kinds of services get it. When a crisis or something else terrible happens to us, most of us will want to think it isn't really happening: that's just human. I admire your self-reflection here and your willingness to own your own actions. <3

[rodi]

I don't know if this is the correct place to ask, but i'm neck deep anyways might as well ask.

Before this all started happening, last month I was having a problem with my girlfriend, when we were having sex sometimes i'd ejaculate but not feel an orgasm, i would just feel the ejaculation but no release, no buildup. It sounds stupid now with all that happened, cause I wouldn't know when to pull out. I thought it was cause things weren't well with my girlfriend, so i thought seeing someone else would make it better but it wasn't 100% and got me in here. Everything i read online says it's not something that happens to guys my age.

Also, should I even keep coming back here? Seems like im stuck in this mess and there's no way out, can't do anything and no one can help me. Life might as well be over, so am just distracting everyone else? taking time people here could help people who actually can be helped?

[KierC]

Hey rodi,

You’re completely welcome here. No need to leave! If this space is helping you, we’re glad to keep talking with you and helping you through this difficult time. You’re not a distraction. We’re here to help people going through all sorts of things, and what you’re going through right now is important and deserves care. Your life is not over. We’re here to help you get through this.

I’m wondering if feeling no orgasm with ejaculation could be due to stress or an arousal mismatch. Did you feel particularly aroused and present when that happened?

[rodi]

Hi KierC, I think so, now i don't remember much with all that is happening, but yes, I did feel aroused and was with my mind in the business, after it happened a couple times i started to feel angry, but that was after it was already happening.

[Heather]

Hi again, rodi. I hope you're hanging in there, and I want to echo what Kier said: I'm glad you're here and you are absolutely welcome here.

You know, when we're stressed out, it's typically harder to experience orgasm and other parts of the sexual response cycle. It's also much harder to really, deeply enjoy ourselves, and be relaxed enough -- which we usually need in order to get to orgasm -- when we're stressed and unhappy in the relationship we are having sex in. Given that you've made clear things hadn't been good with your girlfriend, and given the fraught context you had sex with your neighbor in, I'm not surprised to hear that it's impacted the way your body responds to sex. And of course, getting angry or frustrated absolutely is something that tends to inhibit orgasm.

It may be that right now is just not really a time when you're going to be having great sexual experiences, because that's common during times of great stress. I know that can really suck, because it can be such a good way to relieve stress, but sometimes that's just how it is and we just need to focus on working through whatever is causing us stress and, in the meantime, relieving our stress in other ways.

Any luck on finding a therapist you feel good about yet?

[rodi]

Hi heather, thanks. It was before this all, I haven't had sex since she told me about her period and the test, so it was before the stress. Haven't thought much about sex since.

Didn't change therapist, had a session Friday and tried not to be the worst so it wasn't the worst.

And heather, a few things happened, she told her parents, they are very angry me at her, me, my dad, I don't know how much cause i didn't see them and dad doesn't want me talking to them right now. Her parents, and my dad, took her to take a blood test and it was positive, they'll redo the test in a couple days and i have very little hope she won't be pregnant by then. They are giving her vitamins and stuff, I think maybe because she's too thin. I don't know how she's feeling because dad doesn't want me talking to her cause he thinks it will turn bad.

This all happened without anyone telling me what was going to help, he just told me she took the test on the way back to school, same with her telling her parents on the weekend. It might be my responsibility to have a child, but not enough to get to know things beforehand.

When dad first talked to her, he said she didn't mention termination at any moment so he and his friend didn't suggest it, everyone is acting as if she'll keep it, talking about future exams, doctor stuff, all that. Dad told me she's set on having the baby, even though she said all those things to me before, he said there's a test to check if i'm the dad and it'll be done, but needs to wait a few weeks, but he's completely on the mind she's going to give birth and it's mine after he talked to her.

Dads also not doing well, he was doing well before, but he's getting more and more depressed, but still not stuck in bed. Yesterday was grandpa's birthday and my great grandparents came to the city and i could feel everyone was looking at me weird. Grandpa is staying with us to help cause dad might get depressed again. Dad got all mad when I mentioned an exchange program that I've talked about many many times before, about spending one or two semesters studying in Switzerland, he got mad that I was bringing it up even though he said he'd consider, the baby isn't even born and it's already causing restrictions to my life.

I don't even know what to do, just existing I make things worse.

[Heather]

rodi,

I don't think your existence makes things worse. I'm really sorry to hear you feeling that way, and I can understand, with everything going on and the way people are behaving, why you would feel that way, but I am certain that isn't true.

I'm also really sorry to hear that your Dad has been leaving you out of decisions he's making around actions he takes here. I don't think that's ideal, and it's not what I'd advise a parent do in this situation, for sure. I personally think since this is about you and impacts you and your life so much, anyone in your family getting involved in this should be involving you and also asking if what they want to do is okay with you. You deserve agency here. I'm sorry you're not being afforded it.

I'm also sad anyone is getting mad at you for talking about what you want for your future. By all means, if your neighbor remains pregnant, delivers and becomes a parent, and you can and want to parent yourself, or you don't, but you still want to be a responsible person with this, you may not have all the same options you did before, or some of those options may be restricted in ways they might not have been before. But considering your future in any respect doesn't harm anyone, and I think it's also important to help you make decisions: knowing what you want for your life is important per making your own best choices.

It does sound like, so far, she's decided to stay pregnant, so I do think it makes the most sense for you to start thinking about what you will and do want to do -- regardless of if anyone else supports it, we can get to that later -- if she remains pregnant and has a baby. It sounds like one thing that is probably important is for you two to be able to have a real talk, calmly, about what you both might want, probably with someone else mediating since you two seem to have a very hard time communicating without things getting ugly. But it also sounds like you, by yourself (or with me, if you like) will want to think about what you want here on the whole and how you'd like things managed from here, including when it comes to your family members. Again, whether they agree or cooperate or not is something we can get to next, but starting by at least figuring out what you want and want to ask for is your own place to get started.

Know what I mean? Do you want to try talking some of that through together?

[Heather]

I also just want to add something here, rodi: it is absolutely going to feel overwhelming and devastating at your age to find out you might become a parent soon. You feeling how you have been feeling makes sense: it would be very unusual to feel differently. It's also not unusual for you, at your age, to not have really thought about or fully understood the possible consequences of your actions when you two had sex -- the part of your brain that does that is literally still in development, so any adult expecting you to have been able to do that was expecting a lot.

(I have more I can say when it comes to parenting around this, and why thinking about all of this when parenting young people when it comes to sex is important, but I feel like talk about parenting you hasn't been welcomed, so I'm not going to go there unless you ask me to, okay?)

It is also normal and wholly understandable for you to be in a grief process around this. This isn't something you wanted, but it is happening anyway, and it is impacting you and your life and may continue to for potentially your whole life. Anyone who suggests you should be feeling differently or gets angry at you for how you are feeling is forgetting that or somehow not empathizing with you. <3

[rodi]

I talked to dad, about him doing things without telling me. He said it was because I was at school when it was decided, which makes no sense, he also said that it's because I have a hard time controling my emotions and it's a delicate thing, even though I haven't had anger issues in years. He said he'd tell me things before they happen, just that I need to keep paying attention to school and living normally. He's also getting more depressed, uncle drove me to school today, his wife and my grandpa said he only got out of bed at 11, unkempt beard and lethargic. Been here before, I don't want to fight him more, I just want him to understand it affects me more so I shound't be treated as a baby.

Today her brother approached me too at the garage, i was distracted and he whacked me on the balls and thought we were going to fight, but he just said we'll need to talk. Haven't told anyone yet, they will make a bigger deal that it was, i can handle this, he's a nerdy leprechaun 19 year old virgin and i'm bigger, but this is just more of her family hating me. Just needed to vent.

About the pregnancy, I still don't know what will happen. She'll do a follow up test tomorrow, maybe something will change but dad told me the chances are pretty slim, dad told me she'll go have an ultrasound depending on what the doctors say. I'm still unconfirmed as the dad. It's feeling more and more real, more than anyone in the world i should've known to avoid becoming a father my age.

What do you think I should do, about everything, like you asked, cause i'm so lost I don't even know what questions to make. What do I want?

Sorry if i was a jerk about you talking about how my dad parents me, it's not that's not welcome, it's just that people outside don't understand and i wasn't explaining it very well because I was overwhelmed. I know my dad has flaws and difficulties, but people judge him too hard cause he had me young.

[Heather]

I do understand that the circumstances of your Dad becoming a parent were fraught in a few ways. But that is true for many parents, and while some kinds of circumstances can make that extra challenging, it doesn't make him incapable of doing better as a parent, nor does it exempt him from places where he's not doing a good job, and there have been quite a few throughout this. I hear you wanting to be fair: I always want that, too. But if we can't tell the truth about how some things are going here, it's going to be a lot harder for you to manage them. <3

Relatedly, your Dad had the ability to ask whoever else was involved to wait for you to be able to be part of decision-making, too. I would make clear to him that moving forward, you expect him to do that. Flatly, adults in this situation can't berate you or discount you for not acting like an adult when they are treating you like a child. If they want you to be able to act with maturity, they have to help create or enable opportunities to do that. Know what I mean?

It is also your father's responsibility to manage his depression, not yours or anyone else's. If his parents are noticing him having a hard time, rather than just telling you about it, they can do the things they can to offer him help if he wants it. I really hope you can work on letting go of the idea that you are responsible for the ebbs and flows of your father's depression. Depression just doesn't work like that, and it's not healthy to be close to a person with depression and think that way. You can't control his depression. You just don't have that power. <3

In terms of what you should do, how do you feel about starting a conversation to talk out what you want to do should you be becoming a father? I think starting to think and talk about and strategize for that is a good idea. If that's not what happens, that adjustment will be pretty easy for you, I think. But if it is happening, having a good sense of how you might want to manage this so we can help you make some plans, and also add in some things to help you care for yourself, is going to come in real handy.