Best Friend is being Judgemental

[Aceofhearts]

So, I got my first period. I already a lot about it, and everything seems to check out so I don't think I need much advice on that one.
The first few people (besides my mom) I told was my best friend. Now, I love my best friend very much. She wa she first person that I told my deepest secret too, and I know hers. I like our dynamic and status. It's not a friendship I want to lose.
But, while I was researching, I was wondering if it's true that you need to wash your pads before throwing them away, as I was told. Turns out, it's not necessary in any way shape or form (my teacher used to say that the devil likes period blood, and in Javanese culture, ghosts will haunt you if you don't wash the blood away).
When I mentioned this to her as like a "Can't believe our teachers lied about this", she was very adamant that I should at least wash my pads at home, since it was "disgusting". I keep fighting it, and she said "You disgusting persen". And when I told her that my mom taught me that it wasn't necessary, she said "You disgusting persens". Obviously it was joke with the misspelling of "person".
But isn't it weird to judge someone for something so small? I don't really care if she washes them or not, but I won't since it will be more work. The way I see it, as long as it wrapped up and in a plastic or paper bag, there's no way for it to be disgusting. It's not going to touch anything right?
As I said before, I really like her as a friend. We don't usually fight or argue, but somethings been different. Just 2 days before that, she argued with me about going to a strict school thats very popular. And that ended up with her saying that I should grow up faster. Anyways, I just really need advice on how to handle her words.

[Latha]

Hello Aceofhearts!

I'm sorry to hear that your friend responded to you that way. You are right, there is no need to wash disposable pads before you throw them away, and it is strange for your friend to judge you for how you manage your periods. It may be that she feels justified in her judgement, but she is not being as caring or careful with her words as she should be, especially since she has been a good friend to you otherwise.

If there is anything I think you should keep in mind about all this, it is that, when your friend makes these comments, they are not objective evaluations of who you are. Instead, they are her subjective opinions, which are wrapped up in her own worries and problems. She's learned and internalized feelings of disgust about a very normal bodily process from your teachers and the other adults in her life. She might be telling you to grow up faster because she feels a lot of pressure to come across as mature by certain standards herself. It is just unfortunate that she is taking this out on you, and responding to you with condescension instead of being open to your perspective.

I appreciate that you like her and that you don't want to lose her friendship. I too hope this approach she has taken with you in your disagreements recently is temporary. At this point, I want to ask about what you want to do. Do you think it is important for you to have a conversation with her about how her words were hurtful? Would you like to talk about how you might go about doing that?

[Aceofhearts]

Hmm, I do want to talk to her about it. But I'm scared on how to and the result of it. Currently, I'm still talking with her as usual, but none of us has brought up our fights. I guess that some advice on how to handle having conversations like that would immensely help.

[Heather]

Hi there, AceofHearts.

Since you've said that she isn't usually like this, I wonder if you feel up to checking in with her and asking her if she's okay and if there is something going on? You could open a conversation like that, and also refer to the way she was about your period, by saying something like, "Hey, you really made me feel bad the other day with the things you said about my period, and I want to talk about that. But I also feel like you've been acting different than I'm used to, saying hurtful things to me in general. Is something going on with you? Are you okay?"

I do want to make clear that if she keeps saying hurtful things, you might want to think about just taking some space from her for a while. It makes sense you feel scared: it sounds like she's been doing you harm. None of us should have to just put up with our friends or other loved ones being cruel to us again and again, and it may be that she's not someone safe right now, emotionally, to even talk with, nor someone who is paying enough attention to how she is behaving to do what she should around it (like apologizing, working to be kind, and doing whatever she needs to for herself to stop being like this). But if you feel safe enough to ask her what's up, I think that it's a good idea to try -- we can't fix issues in our relationships if we won't talk about them. <3

[Aceofhearts]

I've been talking to her as usual after that incident, and she seemed fine. But I'll try to see what's going on. I'll try and talk to her about this tomorrow or later, and I'll come with the result.
Also, I have a question about menstruation while I'm already here. After I saw blood, there was nothing but discharge the day after and hasn't changed for 3 days now. My mom says that it means that I'll menstruate regular soon or next month. Is it true? Is it normal and if so, how could that be?

[Heather]

Happy to help you with this, and I hope things go well with your friend when you talk about this.

It generally takes a few years for menstruation to start happening very regularly, not weeks or months. So, I would not expect that to start anytime soon. Instead, you'll just want to figure that, most likely, for the next couple to few years, your periods will probably be somewhat unpredictable. How many days flow lasts for doesn't tell us anything like your mom is suggesting, and it's also typical for first periods to be short.

[Aceofhearts]

I went and discussed this with my best friend, and it went surprisingly well.
Turns out, the reason she was arguing to me about going to a certain school is because she doesn't want me to move (I half-joke and half-hope that I'm able to move to another city for high school, but that isn't possible anymore). Her sister got accepted to a university far away from our city, which is why she was so concerned. And she agreed with me about the period thing. She seems to have mood swings for some reason lately.
Also, one more question about periods. If periods can be unpredictable, when should I bring pads around in my bag? Should I bring them everyday?

[Anya]

Hey Aceofhearts,

As frustrating as it can be, it makes a lot of sense that her judgement wasn't so much about you, but other anxieties in her life. This is a common, though challenging, thing to deal with so i'm sorry you're in that position.

Regarding to "to bring or not to bring" pads everywhere, this really depends on you. Some people decide they always want to feel prepared and make sure to have at least a liner in their bag everyday, but others play it by ear and maybe start to pack one when they think they might get their period. I know a lot of people though who do just slip one in their bag most days. But it's totally up to you and neither is wrong!

[Aceofhearts]

Thanks for the advice. I think I'm going to carry around some products if its around the time of my period. Thank you so much for helping me get through this!

[Tara]

Let us know if you need anything else!