Boyfriend has low libedo, no sex in 5 years

[littledipperr]

Hi there Scarleteen! Im 21F and my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. He is 22. He has a much lower libedo than I do and we are intimate once a month. That being said, we haven’t had sex yet. I understand that we were raised very differently (my family being very sex positive and his just never really being open about it) but I have a hard time understanding how he is feeling. Sex is important to me, but his consent means way more to me. I find myself getting more excited about our first time, as he mentioned finally being ready, but its been a month and a half since he mentioned it and we still havent done anything. Unfortunately, i am starting to get a bit sexually frustrated. I am always patient and willing to be my right hand girl for him, but now that I am excited, i am having a hard time. This makes me feel guilty because I love him more than anything. He shared that he is really nervous about it because the idea of his body going inside mine grosses him out, which is fair because I am nervous too. Genitalia in general grosses him out too. Foreplay, sexy games, and lingerie feels “silly” to him. He is not asexual however and has sexual attraction just not often because he “doesnt think about it”. He just thinks of things very cut and dry, and very matter of fact and sometimes very scientifically. I have been having a really hard time exploring what could help him feel comfortable or help arouse him in most scenarios without worrying that I am overstepping his boundaries.

Is asking him too many questions about how he is feeling manipulative?

Do you have any advice on how I can be more understanding of his point of view or any advice based on what I messaged?

Thank you so much, I love your blog, its helped me so much over the years!

[Anya]

Hey there littledipperr,

Welcome to the boards!

It seems like you are interested in having sex with your boyfriend, though he is potentially either not as interested or not ready. What have the conversations gone like between you two? You mentioned you believe he is not asexual and does experience sexual attraction so would you tell me more about when he's mentioned this or how he talks about the attraction/desire he feels? (Ie. does he talk about it with excitement, anxiety, indecisiveness, indifference).

It sounds like at least right now (and since this has been going on for a while) potentially even longer, I would begin to ask yourself if what you are getting in this moment from the relationship feels like enough. It can be very hard to deal with combatting desires, or a gap in libido, but I do hope you understand that if he is not feeling it right now, no amount of questions or conversations is going to magically change that. I would ask yourself whether you feel content enough to go without sex with him, and if not, think about having a conversation with him about what that means. Now, this can be a tricky situation if it feels like it's pressuring to the other partner that if they dont have sex, they'll "lose you," and of course for you, it sounds like this relationship is worth enough to take some real deep thinking, but I do want you to realize that if this is the way your boyfriend experiences sexuality, it's likely not just going to transform overnight. Do you get what i'm saying?

You are by no means a bad person for your desire in sex, and sex with him, so I truly hope you don't feel like this changes what kind of person you are, or what you deserve. You absolutely deserve to have fufilling sex with someone who's on the same page as you and I hope that either now or later you do find that. It's just that these situations genuinely are challenging to navigate, though it seems like so far you've done a great job. Going forward, I urge you to just keep trying to think honestly with yourself about what you want and what you are willing to give up. You are certianly not alone in this feeling though, so here is an advice column of ours from a bit ago dealing with a similar situation that might help: Guilty For Wanting Sex

For the communication element, although it looks like you've been doing well so far, I also want to include this article of our on talking about sex with a partner (just in case you want to take a look): Be A Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats And Hows Of Talking About Sex With A Partner

How is all of this feeling to you?

[littledipperr]

Hi there Anya! Thank you for your reply!

We have had many talks in the past about what we are ready for, how we feel about our current pace, masturbation, and generally a lot of communication on that front. He has told me that he does masturbate and he does get aroused by me but typically he can't figure out what triggers it because its very infrequent. He also has some fetishes we've talked about. When we talk about sex in a nonsexual situation, he is often indifferent. He does talk about how he gets nervous sometimes during times that we are intimate, and I always try to take things at his pace for that reason, but he also said he doesn't "think about sex or me in a sexual light often" really and that is why we only do things once a month. One thing that we have noticed is that he never finishes, and I believe that he might have a lot of anxiety about it because the fluids gross him out. I found out recently that the most recent time we were intimate he feigned an orgasm and it really hurt my feelings when I found out, but he explained he was only trying to make me happy. Also, he is not very knowledgeable sexual education wise, and I am not sure if that matters at all. He often doesn't get references where people say certain things, and when we first started dating, I had to explain that women's vaginas and urethras are separate...

I understand what you're saying! With him, I know if it was something where he was fully asexual, we would figure out a way to make it work. It's definitely hard sometimes, I have my moments where this really bugs me for a bit, and gets me really insecure, but I also know that this is just how it is, and I can't change it, like you said! I think I just always find myself wondering if there's a solution where we could meet in the middle. I would never want to pressure him in any way or make him do anything he doesn't want to do.

We talked a bit more, and I learned that while he does get horny often, He just doesn't act on it every time. Where as I act on it every time. We have talked about having him let me know when he feels in the mood so that I don't pester him, and me trying to spread out how often I masturbate.

[mikky]

I want to echo what Anya said- it is very okay to want sex. And, it doesn’t seem like this is something your boyfriend is wanting to engage in.

If there were notable, changeable things, like if you described a lack of communication, or safety, or education, there might be suggestions we would have around making those changes. But, frankly, it seems that this relationship won’t become sexual in the way you want it to. And, it seems like the ways that you both are trying are causing hurt, to both of you. I think he could probably use some more learning and maybe help around some of his anxieties, IF this is something that he independently wants to engage with and values.

Another person wrote in once with a similar situation, and although there are many differences, I think the advice given might be helpful to you:
He doesn't feel any desire for sex, but I want a sexual relationship

I wonder if you could tell us more about what him being “fully asexual” would change for you? Asexuality, and sexuality in general, exists on a pretty wide spectrum (in case it is helpful here, Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer ). What do you think about his sexuality is keeping you from being able to find a solution? Would you be interested in pursuing sexual relationships outside of this relationship? When you imagine solutions, what do you think of?