I don’t get the same enjoyment out of physical sexual activity as everyone else

[midnightsorren]

Hi,
I’m 20/F and I’ve just stumbled across this forum, so I hope someone could help me out with some worries I’ve been having lately. You’ll also have to forgive me for how much I’m about to talk.

The first thing I’ll mention is I’ve been engaging in masturbation for as long as I can remember. I don’t recall how I discovered it, I just remember stimulating myself clitorally and achieving small orgasms as young as 5/6. I never really felt dirty because of it, just that I knew I probably shouldn’t tell my parents. As I got older, I developed curiosity regarding sex and found myself looking it up on YouTube/reading explicit scenes in books and feeling excited. I knew a lot about sexual activity younger than most of my friends and didn’t necessarily feel guilt from this.

However, as I got older and everyone else caught up, I suddenly felt very behind, everyone seemed to be having sex and crazy orgasms and everyone went pleasure obsessed. I tried to play along, however in reality my relationship with sex and pleasure had always been sort of boring and unexciting compared to everyone else, just something to pass the time. I feel that I actually feel more at the thought of someone else experiencing pleasure? Rather than my own. I consume pornographic media but honestly I don’t even masturbate to it half the time.

I’m not a virgin, but I’ve only had very limited interactions and I’ve experienced intercourse only once. I felt a lot of arousal in my stomach, but absolutely nothing down there, it’s like it all completely switched off. I couldn’t even achieve an orgasm via my own manipulation. Penetration also does absolutely nothing for me, I’ve never felt pleasure from fingering. It’s rubbing or nothing and the orgasms aren’t the mind blowing ones my friends talk about. I have a vibrator that’s a bit more exciting, but I still hardly even want to masturbate these days. My friends are doing so almost daily, and I barely do even twice a month.

Is there something wrong with my ability to feel pleasure/feel sexual attraction? Did I burn myself out at a young age and now there’s just no excitement in it physically? Is my sex drive broken? Foreplay arouses me greatly, but the moment it comes to physical stimulation it just goes out the window. Do I just prefer the thought/anticipation rather than the act? Am I on the asexual spectrum? Am I just too young and it will come to me?

Please help my thoughts stop racing lol, thanks.
-S

[Heather]

Hi there, midnightsorren. You get to talk as much as you want here, no worries!

I'd encourage you to take some time and stroll around the boards here reading some posts from others. I say that because I think it will help you see that by no means is everyone but you having awesome sexual experiences, while you're left how you have been feeling. Instead, the reality of people's sexual experiences is much, much more diverse than it sounds like you're thinking, with people of all ages having a wide array of experiences and feelings about them. An awful lot of people, especially young people new or newer to sex alone or with partners, are not "having sex and crazy orgasms and everyone went pleasure obsessed." I think that feeling the way you are feels a lot harder when you feel like you're alone in your dissatisfaction. I promise you're not. Too, bear in mind that a lot of peers are just not very honest with their friends or even sexual partners about their sexual experiences, and we know from decades and decades of research on this and anecdotal experience that much of the time, the people being the loudest about how great things are are often exaggerating, often to cover similar kinds of feelings as those you have been having.

It's most common for masturbation to start when people are young, like it did for you. I can tell you that as both a longtime sex educator but also as someone who was a preschool teacher for years before that. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's developmentally normal -- though young children masturbate for slightly different or less complex motivations than teens or adults do -- I'm sorry that that wasn't something your parents made sure you knew.

I hear you saying that you haven't actually had a lot of sexual interaction with partners yet, and it sounds like the interactions you have had have been pretty rote, so I'd not presume much about how you feel about sex with partners yet, that given. Instead, I'd figure you still have a lot to explore and potentially discover, and that what you have so far are some clues about how you might want to explore more. For example, you mention that a partner's pleasure is particularly exciting for you: that's also something common, and it's something you can explore with partners. How do you feel about sex when you are very focused on giving pleasure? Does it become more exciting? Does that give you better ideas of what you actually like to do with a partner? Too, it may be that things like intercourse or fingering aren't things you like, but it could also be that something about the way those things were part of the sex you were having was the issue. For example, maybe that's because that is all or most of what was happening, or maybe they happened too early in your sexual interactions; maybe the way y'all were doing those things wasn't a way that felt good for you, or maybe you were not turned on by them or the person you were doing them with?

The idea you burned yourself out by masturbating when you were young doesn't hold water: again, most people start masturbating then, and just like we don't burn ourselves out on air by breathing or food by eating, the same is true here. There's actually no such thing as a sex drive, but for sure, it makes sense for us to talk about how much or how little desire you have to be sexual: if we don't actually feel desire, we're very unlikely to enjoy sexual activity, since it's one of those things we tend to need to really want to enjoy. Might you be ace? Could be, and we can talk about that, too.

I think the main question I have to lead with is to start by talking about you, desire and pleasure more generally. Is the way you're feeling about sex a way you feel just about sex or is it bigger than that? Are you able to feel fulfillment in pleasure in other areas, like in food, in your interpersonal relationships, in movement of your body, in the larger world, in music or art, etc?

And in terms of desire, can you say some more about your experiences so far? When you have had sexual partners, are they people you have sought out and pursued because you felt strong desire and attraction with them, or did those interactions go differently than that? When you were with those people, or are on your own, is masturbation and partnered sex something you do because you really want to from a place of desire, or because you feel like you have to or should?

[midnightsorren]

Hi Heather,
Thank you for your detailed reply, I really appreciate your time. These worries I have aren’t really something I can talk about to people in my life.

I do understand that everyone has different experiences with sex and pleasure and that it can be complicated, I guess my issue resides in the fact that objectively I just want everything to be percect? Which is definitely a me problem, but my close friends seem to experience issues sexually, yet still really want to have it and per-sue it? Whilst I could probably live without it, but I’ve been wondering if that’s due to it not being particularly ground-breaking for me.

I feel pleasure from other things yes, I enjoy my job, I enjoy spending time with friends, reading and food. I have been medicated for depression for quite some time however, and sometimes I wonder whether that could be affecting things too, but I doubt I’ll be able to come off it to find out any time soon.

Regarding desire, I do think I feel it. I’ve been sexual with two men, both of which have been older and more experienced than me. I think I prefer this as them telling me exactly what to do helps ease my anxiety of not being “good enough” I guess. I enjoy the sight of my partner in pleasure very much, the main thing I think about when I do masturbate is someone consumed by it, rather than it consuming me? If that makes sense lol? I guess you could say I per-sued both of them, and I was eager to be physical with them, but whilst the foreplay was electric (and prolonged, so I wouldn’t say anything was rushed), physical manipulation just really didn’t cut it. Emotionally, I also found it hard to relax, and I’ve actually completely ran away from both of these relationships. The second one in particular was something that could have been very good for me, he was understanding and eager, but I just couldn’t shake the idea of being inadequate.

Since I lost my virginity and parted ways with him, I have barely masturbated, and when I have it’s not been particularly great. It’s like an orgasm is a chore now. I thought fingering would also become more pleasurable ever since experiencing intercourse? But it’s just as difficult and frustrating as ever.

I could probably go the rest of my life without touching myself or being touched if this is how it’s going to be. I wish that wasn’t the case. Do you think I should just keep exploring? Maybe there’s something really specific I need to get the same experience as other people?

[Heather]

I'm glad you found a place where you can talk about them. We all need that! <3

By all means, I'd say that sex and sexuality -- and our relationships that are part of them -- and perfection are at odds with each other. If we had to pick one area of our life where perfection was the most unattainable, these would be the places. All of this is simply much, much too human to be perfect. Perfection is for machines, not people, and even then, machines frequently can't pull it off! So, it sounds like one thing you will need to try and do for yourself is start letting go of any perfectionism you're bringing here. (And as a recovered perfectionist in general, I'd encourage you to try and work on ditching it period -- life is so, so much better without it.)

By all means, too, depression, even when treated, will often play a part in things like a lack of enthusiasm or desire for sex and/or pleasure, and can inhibit how much of that we experience. Chances are good that the depression itself is more of a player than the medication for it, though, that's usually how that works. But if you're ever curious about that, some medications for depression are less associated with sexual side effects than others, so you could ask your prescribing physician about yours and, if it's one known to have sexual side effects, about the possibility of switching to a different medication with less of that association.

You know, a partner telling you what to do can for sure be not just absolutely fine, but even very enjoyable sometimes. (And yes, I get what you mean by talking about enjoying a partner consumed by pleasure.) But I'd also want to be sure those partners are asking you what you want and asking you what you like. If partners don't ask us that, and keep asking, as we're being sexual with them, it's nigh unto impossible for them (and us!) to learn what feels good for us, and to make whatever adjustments we need to with whatever we or they are doing so we can find what feels good. That can also help alleviate anxiety that can come about if and when we think of sex as performance -- there's that perfectionism again! -- rather than as open-ended experience, the latter of which is much more likely to result in satisfying sexual experiences.

That break-up you had: was it recent? I ask because it's pretty normal to feel less sexually interested (or depressed, or both) after a split.

Having engaged in intercourse doesn't change anything about our bodies, so I don't think the expectation that experience will make other things more interesting or feel better is sound. It also sounds like you had a pretty lackluster experience with it, so it's not even like you're bringing fantasy or yummy memories from that to your masturbation.

In terms of what you should do, if and when you are not actually interested in being sexual -- with yourself or others -- then no, I don't think doing it anyway is ever the way to go. Trying to force it doesn't usually do anything good for anyone, and since it's something optional that's about pleasure, it just doesn't make sense to do it if and when it's not something we actually want to do. On the other hand, making more room for yourself to just do other things and focus on other parts of your life, especially parts you really do enjoy and really do experience pleasure with, and just knowing sex is always there for you to explore if and when you feel differently does sound like it could go a long way for you. It sounds like you might have gotten yourself in a bit of a headspace where you feel like all of this is a problem to be solved instead of something optional to explore, and that kind of mindset never leads to anything good sexually.

How do you feel about the idea of trying not to think about this as a problem, and just seeing what happens over time? I'm talking about things like only touching yourself, however you do, when it feels like something you want and feels good, and only pursuing sex with partners when you meet someone you're really into, are comfortable with (and I might put in a vote for partners who are not older men, at least as a try, since as a group they tend to be more likely to think they know everything already, and don't tend to ask questions of partners particularly when they are young women), and really want to openly explore sex with?

[Heather]

Once more thing: I would again encourage you to let go of the idea of trying to make things as they are for other people, because there truly, I promise, is no one way or even general way they are for other people. <3

[midnightsorren]

I think you’re definitely onto something with trying partners that aren’t older men haha. Funnily enough, I’ve actually not been in a relationship officially. The first guy was a very complicated-borderline-problematic situation that happened when I was barely 18, and whilst we had crazy sexual chemistry, I was completely in over my head and it ultimately caused a lot of stress and self-worth issues for me and ended poorly.

The second guy was more of a “situationship” I suppose? But everything was so good objectively, we saw eachother for a while and he was extremely open, he even encouraged me to bring my vibrator as he knew I enjoyed it. It didn’t work though, he did ask what I wanted, but I guess I just never knew what to tell him? Or I felt silly saying anything, and I felt better focusing on him, because I’d rather at least one of us get an orgasm lol. It did sort of end up like a chore I think, and I honestly just wanted seize the opportunity to lose my virginity (something I had been self-conscious about) with someone kind I was attracted to.

I think I weirdly lost feelings/attraction after that? That weekend was the last time we properly spent day together, before I got cold feet and completely ghosted him, and I wasn’t particularly cut up about it. He managed to contact me a good few months later and I freaked out. I considered myself aromantic in high-school, and whilst I don’t think that’s entirely the case now, my relationship with romantic feelings has always been very odd.

I am a perfectionist, and I hold myself to a stupid standard. I think I’m caught up in this idea that sex is like the books and movies, even though I know that it isn’t objectively. I need to work on loosening up. I have considered maybe persuing something with a woman my own age, I think I might have a lot more fun with it, and women have always actually been what I think about when masturbating - not whatever man I’m with at the time. Older men are just always interested! Haha. I know I should just take it as it comes and not rush, I’m just glad to know that I’m not the only one that isn’t overly bothered about sex.

[Heather]

Here's the good news: sex is NOT like it is in books and movies, but that's actually good, because sex in books and movies actually tends to be incredibly short (mere minutes at best!), often won't involve things that are actually satisfying to people IRL, and, without any of the psychodramas that are so often the base of the sexual tension of sex in media, also tends to be incredibly boring, just basically being a bunch of basic friction. It's often also unhealthy emotionally, besides, one-sided, one-dimensional, and a bunch of other bummers.

In real life, sex is much more complex and multi-dimensional than in most media. It's more humanized, which also means it can be more awkward and messy, but that's not a bad thing because that's where a lot of the intimacy happens. For example, if you might have taken a risk and said something about what you liked or wanted -- even if the answer was "I don't know," -- it might have been that that interaction or relationship not only could have become deeper, if that was something you wanted, but it would have had more of a chance to actually result in satisfying sex for you. And while we're talking about satisfaction, I do want to make sure you know that orgasm isn't actually what makes sex satisfying for most people. Sure, most folks who orgasm enjoy it, but an orgasm is usually only a few seconds at a time, and it doesn't really offer the kinds of things we know people need to actually be satisfied, things like vulnerability, real connection, openness, play, communication, and creative exploration.

I'm sorry to hear that your first sexual relationship left you in that state, and that this second one left you feeling so blah and tapped out. It sounds like you didn't feel particularly connected to that person, and you know, that's okay -- often to find out how we feel in something we have to be in it and experience it. It sounds like that might have had some promise for you, but ultimately something about it didn't leave you feeling able to or into being particularly open and vulnerable, and it sounds like something left you feeling uninterested or unwilling to actually communicate with him in the ways he was asking for. That given, I'm not surprised this just kind of fizzled out for you.

I do want to remind you that 20 is YOUNG. You really have a whole life, decades and decades of life, to feel all of this out, including meeting other potential partners if you find yourself interested. I would absolutely say that it is much more common for people your age to be in the spot you are -- where they have only explored things with a partner or two, and not felt particularly thrilled with their experiences -- than to have had amazing experiences, including because most people who are in their teens or early 20s haven't ever learned anywhere what's needed to have those kinds of experiences, or figured out yet for themselves what *they* need for things to feel amazing for *them.* That said, again, I have now heard you drop a couple of clues here in this thread alone: first what you said about enjoying a partner's pleasure, and now what you have said about an interest in exploring sex with women: I'd pay attention to those feelings and ideas, because it seems to me that they are giving you good information about what you might actually enjoy and find fulfilling, be that now or later.