I am not sure if I am a victim of SA or not

[Deerthing]

Hello. I have been struggling with trauma recently from a past and a current relationship and was wondering if it is appropriate to consider myself a victim of SA. The first relationship was from when I was in middle school to early highschool and was groomed by someone who was 17-18. The age gap was only 3 years but they would try to pressure me into things I didn't want to do, say and do sexual things in front of people without my consent, and told me I couldn't tell people/my parents about our relationship because they "wouldn't understand". I know it was statutory assault because I was under the age of consent and they were above it, but I always consented so I don't know if I am allowed to consider myself a victim of SA. I also had a misunderstanding with my current partner years ago where I started crying during sex and asked to stop. They stopped, but acted very upset and disappointed until I offered to do other sexual things. We continued even though I was visibly still upset. I later told them I was not comfortable with the situation and they felt terrible, but I also confided in other people about it, in which they told me this was sexual assault. They then got upset at me for telling other people. This situation happened when we were both minors and we are now adults. After many years of growth and setting clearer boundaries with each other we now continue to be in a relationship, but I still feel sometimes I did not entirely heal from that situation, even though I do not consider it SA. I was also wondering if after a situation like that, two people can still have a happy relationship? And if I can consider myself a victim of SA even though every situation I've been in has been coersion or statutory.

[char]

Hi Deerthing, welcome to the boards. I'm so sorry that this situation is what brought you here.

I will have to agree with what other people have said about your current relationship: what happened was sexual assault. Your partner shouldn't have pressured you into having sex with them, especially after you explicitly told them to stop. Just because you consented to one sexual act, it doesn't mean you will consent to another. (You may find this article of ours about consent helpful: Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent) It also sounds like your partner made you feel like you had to make up for the sexual act you refused to do by offering them to do something else--even though you were still uncomfortable. Even though it has been a while since this happened, I am unsure that this person is a good fit for you. It is concerning to know that they were upset over you telling others what happened between you both.

What happened in your past relationship also sounded like sexual assault to me. Not only have they pressured you into doing sexual things, but they also isolated you from other people that could tell you this relationship was not a good one. You are allowed to consider yourself a victim or survivor--because it sounds like you were hurt and harmed from these interactions.

How does all of these land for you? Please let us know the best way we can support you as well. I've also let other volunteers know if they could help you here as I don't currently have the capability to fully help you, but I don't want to leave you hanging. ;;

[Deerthing]

Thank you so much for your reply. I feel very conflicted. I don't think I need extra support right now, more just outside opinions. I hear what you're saying that what happened with my current partner is SA, but I'm unsure of what to do. We have been together for a very long time and I also still love them very much, so I don't want to leave. But I've never heard about a relationship working where something like that has happened. They have definitely changed and never do things like that or pressure me anymore. The issue was also years ago, and me and my loved ones have forgiven them. So bringing it up again feels like opening a wound for everyone for no reason.
I saw that you said you cant fully help me right now, which I understand, so this is more for if someone else wants to reply. Thank you for your help. I think I am also going to seek counseling again.

[Andy]

Hi Deerthing,

first off, I’m really sorry that people around you did this to you, it was absolutely not okay and I agree with char that this your experiences fall under the definition of sexual assault (you can see the one we use in our glossary: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/glossar ... l,-assault)

Quickly hopping back to your first post and the first situation you described, I want to add that to me it does not sound like you were giving a consent in it. Consent has to be given clearly, freely, willingly, enthusiastically and it can also always be withdrawn at any moment. And it does sound like most of this did not happen in the situation and the way you have felt about it afterwards is a good indicator of that as well. Does that make sense?

You know, more than on whether there are other relationships working after something like this happening, I would focus on how *you* are feeling about what happened and the relationship moving forward.
So I would like to ask (and feel free to share your answers or your thoughts about them with us):

• Do you feel safe when spending time with your partner?
• Are you excited about seeing them, looking forward to that and enjoying it?
• Do you feel able to bring up tough things, feeling, set boundaries and resolve conflicts?
• Do you trust them? Do you trust them to not intentionally hurt you again, emotionally, sexually or physically?

I also want to touch on what you said about it feeling like opening a wound for everyone, I want to gently nudge you to think about putting your own feelings and needs as the priority here, as you were the one who has been hurt and the one who it concerns the most. And people around you that really care about you will understand it and want what is the best for you too<3

Lastly, are you able to access the counseling you mentioned or do you want any help around that?

[Heather]

Hi there, Deerthing. From one survivor of multiple sexual assaults to another survivor -- and while we are a very diverse group of people, I assure you that those who have had this experience by way of coercion are no less survivors than those of us who have experienced it differently, like by way of physical force -- I just want to extend some extra support.

I also want to add a question to Andy's excellent questions: I hear you that your current partner has changed, but I am wondering if they have ever gotten -- or, ideally, are still getting -- any therapeutic support and guidance with those changes. I'm also curious about what they did to take responsibility for what they did and to make amends to you: can you say some about that? These are the kinds of things that could potentially result in two people with the kind of history you have being able to have a healthy relationship together in time.

Lastly, when you say you feel like you haven't yet healed, I wonder if you have any thoughts on what you think you might need to do more healing? I don't think there is ever such a thing as any of us being somehow completely healed from any kind of abuse, that's pretty much always a lifelong process. But it sounds like you might be saying you don't feel like your healing process to date has left you feeling like you'd like to, so I am curious about your thoughts on what you think you might need to get you closer to where you'd like to be.

[Deerthing]

Thank you both for responding, today has been very difficult with realizing I have this type of trauma. To answer Andy's questions, I do feel safe spending time with my partner, I am always excited to see them and have a good time being with them, and I do trust them to not hurt me again. I do have a hard time bringing up tough feelings and issues with them sometimes though. They are understanding, but recently I tried to bring up issues to them and it became an argument. We both apologized to each other and I think things turned out good, but they still raised their voice and interrupted me several times during the argument. They did apologize for this and we talked about it, but it did make me think about what Heather said about therapy. They have never been to therapy or had mental health services, which I think would benefit them. I think along with me getting therapy I will talk to them about these feelings I'm having about the past and talk to them about also starting therapy. The only issue with that is they do not have insurance, so I'm not sure how they'd be able to do that.

Also about them taking responsibility for their actions. We talked about the situation quite a lot in the past and I believe it stemmed from misunderstanding, not intentional harm. During this time I asked to take a short break from seeing each other in person, which they respected. They feel terrible about the situation and have apologized many times for it. Along with this, they have proven to me they changed since then by respecting my boundaries, asking for consent before doing things, and making sure we have a safe word to prevent misunderstandings in the future.

My worry with my healing process is that I am not entirely sure what a healing process is supposed to look like. My whole life I have let the past continue to effect me, and what I'm not happy with is my lack of ability to let things go. The two times I've tried therapy my therapists told me I had to stop hanging on to the past, but I feel like nobody tells you how you're supposed to do that. I'm hoping that by trying counseling again I can work with a professional on a plan to help me heal, even though I am coming to terms with the fact healing is a lifelong process.

Lastly, Andy asked if I needed help getting counseling. I have reached out to a couple places but am having a hard time finding somewhere that accepts my insurance/is affordable. I was wondering what kind of help is being offered or if you know of any good resources for finding therapists?

[Latha]

Hi there, Deerthing. I hope it is alright that I am jumping into this conversation while I am on shift today.

The only issue with that is they do not have insurance, so I'm not sure how they'd be able to do that.

It is fair that you are not sure. You are not missing something obvious, it just isn't easy to find affordable mental health care. You may know that there are therapists who will accept clients who pay out of pocket/offer sliding scales of payment for affordability. And if your partner attends a college or university, they may be able to access therapy there... Beyond that, I'd recommend looking over the options listed in these resources on finding low cost mental health care:

• Low-Cost Treatment | Anxiety and Depression Association of America

• Paying For Care | Mental Health America

As for your question about the help we can offer with finding a therapist, let me ask the rest of our group to be sure--one of us will get back to you. To my knowledge, we usually can offer advice on the process of finding/screening a therapist, and link people to directories of therapists. (Eg. Psychology Today Directory)

When you are looking to heal from trauma in a relationship or change certain patterns of conflict, it can really help to have someone else's perspective--which is why we recommended seeing a therapist. However, if you don't have access to therapy for one or both of you right now, you can still try and see if it is possible to make positive changes together.

I want to leave our guide to conflict resolution here, in case it would help to go over them.

They are the basics, but those are always important to remember: How to Clash with Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics

My whole life I have let the past continue to effect me, and what I'm not happy with is my lack of ability to let things go...

Knowing that these experiences are in the past and relying on the strength of your relationship with your partner now may help with the trauma, but I don't know that it is possible to look at those facts and just decide to let go. There may come a time when you this trauma doesn't bother you, but you can't make that healing happen on a schedule.

The way I think of it, the person you were when these things happened is still a part of who you are now--they may still need reassurance from time to time. I wonder if it would help to do your best to honor all of your feelings as they occur, and to respond to them with the care they deserve. It can be a delicate balancing act, as many things are in life, because our feelings can be... contradictory, but I think it is better than trying to logic yourself out of your emotions. They are what they are.

[Heather]

Hi again, Deerthing.

I'll be honest with you, I am hearing what sounds like a partner who might do fine when you're not bringing any conflict with or hard feelings about them to the table, but who seems to react badly when you do: being angry at you for telling other people about things they did to you, raising their voice at you when you have tried to bring up issues. This is not the behavior of someone who is actually emotionally safe for another person, so I am also a little concerned that you feel safe, because I am not sure you are safe, if you follow me. I guess I am also not so sure that it sounds to me like their behavior really has changed, in some ways, and I'm concerned that some of why they might seem to be better is because of you not bringing issues to the table, you know?

I am very curious about what they did to create the change you report experiencing. It's not sounding to me like they really have taken responsibility for the assault -- and I can't help but wonder if some of why you don't want to call it that has to do with you imagining how they'd react if you did, you know? I don't hear you telling me anything they have done to make amends, either. While therapy often does cost, and so I understand when access to it is an issue, as my own partner likes to say, amends are free. If you're not sure what amends could look like in this kind of situation, some examples I can think of off the top of my head might be your partner reading books or other helpful information about how to support a partner who has experienced sexual abuse/assault and books or other material about how to work through conflict with a partner in healthy ways. Amends absolutely could be seeking out therapy and engaging in it, or working extra hard with you to manage their own feelings and not do verbally abusive things like raising their voice when you are trying to voice issues or hard feelings.

My worry with my healing process is that I am not entirely sure what a healing process is supposed to look like. My whole life I have let the past continue to effect me, and what I'm not happy with is my lack of ability to let things go. The two times I've tried therapy my therapists told me I had to stop hanging on to the past, but I feel like nobody tells you how you're supposed to do that. I'm hoping that by trying counseling again I can work with a professional on a plan to help me heal, even though I am coming to terms with the fact healing is a lifelong process.

I don't know the context of those what those therapists said to you, but especially if you had not been working with them for a long time, and especially if this is about sexual abuse and assault, I'm actually a little dismayed to hear that was what was said to you. While everyone's healing journey is different, healing from SA often isn't about "letting things go," for starters (did either of these therapists have a background in helping survivors?). Instead, it usually has a lot to do with acknowledging out loud what was done to us/what happened to us, really understanding in our bones how wrong and not okay it was, working to get back a feeling of safety in our own skin, and then figuring out from there what we need to maintain that feeling and keep growing it. If at least one of these therapists didn't spend some real time talking with you about how you will undoubtedly be very challenged to do some or even all of that work while still in an intimate relationship with someone who harmed you, they also did you a real disservice.

Are you a reader, by any chance? If so, I'd be happy to suggest some books and articles that can help you understand more about what a healing process can look like and how to create your own.

I hear you about the difficulty of finding affordable therapy. per your partner, I absolutely do not think that finding them a therapist is work for you to do. I think you are the LAST person who should be doing that, becauswe you have your own work to do on and for yourself, including because of harm they did to you. I think it's on them to seek out that help and any help finding it they need, and if they are not willing to do that...well, that tells me something, and it's not great, you know?

For you, I'd really want to be sure that anyone you see is someone with experience working with SA survivors and a real sensibility when it comes to that work. It sounds like you have insurance that does cover at least some mental healthcare: what kind of plan do you have in terms of finding that care? Is it a system where you get a referral from another doctor, or one where you can access a directory of providers and then pick from that list?

[Deerthing]

I understand your concern that I may only feel safe because I am not bringing up important issues. Last night after writing my last message I decided to talk with them about things. We had a three hour long discussion about what happened, our relationship, and our boundaries, which made me feel much better about everything. I did tell them that what happened was a form of SA, and even though I forgave them it still impacted me negatively. During this they took accountability and they also said I had every right to tell other people about what happened and that they only wish I had talked to them about the problem more first, which I understand. I also took accountability for ways I have hurt them in our relationship, even though it was in a different way. They are also willing to seek therapy.

From what I remember neither of my past therapists refered to what happened to me as SA. One even told me I wasn't really groomed because of the age of consent laws where I lived. I never really looked for a therapist who specialized in helping survivors because I didn't realize that was what happened, so I will definitely look into finding someone who specializes in that. I've been looking at directories and websites like grow therapy to try to find someone.

Based on what both of you said, I will try to focus less on letting go and more on finding a healing process that works for me.

I really appreciate all of your help. It means a lot to me, especially as someone who is currently working to become a sex educator.
I also am definitely getting back into reading, I've been making lists of books about gender, sexuality, and some politics to educate myself so I can help others one day and understand me a bit better.

[Heather]

I understand your concern that I may only feel safe because I am not bringing up important issues. Last night after writing my last message I decided to talk with them about things. We had a three hour long discussion about what happened, our relationship, and our boundaries, which made me feel much better about everything. I did tell them that what happened was a form of SA, and even though I forgave them it still impacted me negatively. During this they took accountability and they also said I had every right to tell other people about what happened and that they only wish I had talked to them about the problem more first, which I understand. I also took accountability for ways I have hurt them in our relationship, even though it was in a different way. They are also willing to seek therapy.

I am really glad to hear all of this. This sounds really, really good. I'm sop glad you were able to advocate for yourself in this way, and that this talk went so much better than they have before. I do want to say a couple things though:

I don't think someone who has done us harm, and in the past been harmfully reactive when we have tried to talk to them, gets to say we should have told them our issues earlier. If he wanted more of this earlier, honestly, it was on him to be a safer person to receive it. But too, being able to talk about these things takes survivors time -- especially when and if they choose to discuss it with someone whose harm they have survived! -- and what timetable that is should be about you as a survivor, not for the benefit or want of anyone else.

I also hope that in the future, you can focus on the harm they did in conversations without feeling like you need to talk about different ways you may have hurt them. Sometimes feeling a need to do that can arise from a place of wanting to keep someone who did harm from actually fully owning it, or from acknowledging to ourselves that they truly harmed us. But we can talk about that more another time if you like (or not, up to you).

I'm always happy to help users screen for good therapists, so if and when you get a list of people you are considering and want a second set of eyes -- including if you want them from someone who has been using therapy services since the early 80s, so I am very, very familiar with this process -- I'm glad to raise my hand to do that for/with you. It does sound like you'll have a very different experience just by being sure to screen for therapists with skills and sensibilities around sexual abuse and assault. I'm really sorry that that one said the ignorant thing they did to you about grooming (people can be groomed at any age by people of any age, for the record -- grooming just ultimately means priming someone to think something is healthy or fine that is abusive or exploitative, it's not just about older adults and small children).

If you want some reading to start with, a few books that I find valuable with healing from sexual (and other) trauma are:
• Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman (dense, but amazing)
• Healing Sex: A Mind Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines
• The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz
• Growing Beyond Survival by Elizabeth G. Vermilyea

And here on the site:
• https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/n ... al-assault
• https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/r ... ual-trauma
• https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/m ... al-assault

There are a lot of other articles and columns here on the site for survivors about healing, but I think those three might be particularly good for you. To find more, you might start in this section of the site: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse


I hope your journey to becoming a sex educator is going well, it's always great to see more people wanting to come into this work. <3