I’m interested but uncomfortable with sexual stuff, and I think it might be because of something that happened to me

[ariake]

Hi! This has been floating around in my head for about a year, and I feel like it’s time to say it and hopefully get some advice.

To start, I’m 17. I’m definitely interested in hooking up with and kissing guys—it’s fun and I’m into it, but I also have specific boundaries about it: I’ll hook up with people, but only if I’ve known them for at least a couple of hours, and no sex outside of a committed relationship. The problem is every time I have the opportunity, I get scared and feel violated, even though nothing has happened. It’s just like an extreme, terrifying aversion. I finally had my first kiss when I was kind of drunk, and it’s only when I’m drunk that I feel ok with it. Not so I can ignore my boundaries, but just so I can get over the fearful inhibition. The morning after my first kiss I felt perfectly excited and happy and not at all violated. The problem is that the only way I can adequately explain this fear is as if it was almost borne out of some sort of trauma—which hasn’t happened, aside from one minor instance which I don’t know if I would call trauma. That’s mostly where my confusion comes from.

When I was about 10, my family held a huge event at a closed restaurant to celebrate a 4 different major milestones (a birthday, a graduation, etc). At that party, a relative’s friend’s boyfriend was in attendance. He was very drunk, and cornered me and my then-14 year old cousin, making uncomfortable comments and advances. We got away after about 15ish minutes. IIRC, he ended up getting the police called on him for fighting with someone outside the restaurant. All that to say, I think about that experience a LOT, and can’t help but think that it still might be affecting me today. I’ve never talked to my cousin about it (or if she even remembers or if it’s affected her), and I have no idea if anybody else at the party knows that that happened.

Anyway, my final point: I WANT to experience all of that romantic and sexual stuff, but I don’t really know what my fear is even based on. If it is about this instance, why?? It was 7 years ago and it was 15 minutes of uncomfortableness. It seems so silly for such a small interaction to be ruling my life almost a decade later, and I just want to get over it

[Becky]

Hey ariake! Welcome to the boards!

For starters, I just want to say that it is perfectly okay for you to be excited about kissing and hooking up with guys and it is also okay for you to have boundaries around how it happens as well.

Now, as for what happened with this man at the party... I am so sorry that happened to you and your cousin. It sounds like he was an adult? At least old enough to drink at a restaurant? That was extremely inappropriate of him and it sounds really scary! It might seem silly to you now, but if you are still thinking about it and it still causes upsetting feelings then it might still be affecting you.

It sounds like you haven't spoken to anyone in your family about this but by any chance do you have a therapist or counselor who you've spoken to or could speak to about this?

You said that you will/have hooked up with and made out with people but you feel scared and violated afterwards. Are there any other feelings that come up there? Can you pinpoint a specific reason why you feel scared and violated?

What was different about the kiss you had when you were drunk? You said when you woke up the next day you didn't have those same feelings. Was there something different about the person or interaction that made it feel safer?

[ariake]

Hi thank you! He was an adult, late 20s/early 30s if I remember correctly. It was absolutely terrifying and I credit my cousin for getting us out of there so quick. I think I’d want to talk to her about it but it seems so small to focus on after so much time. I do have a therapist but I also don’t really know how to bring up the conversation. It’s really difficult because I’ve been seeing him for a while, and I don’t really know how to say “Hi btw here’s this major thing in my life that I never mentioned in the last four years that I’ve been thinking about lot about but never bothered to tell you!!” it feels almost like a lie of omission. That’s also been something that I’ve had problems with before. When I first started seeing him I told him I had never SHed but that was a lie and it got more and more difficult to correct it as time went on. Also to be clear self-harm doesn’t play any role in this issue

I get scared I think because it feels like giving up a part of myself that I have control about. To clarify though, I’ve only hooked up with one person (my first kiss when I was drunk); the fear and feeling of violation always comes BEFOREHAND, and keeps stopping me from actually getting with them (save for that first kiss). It wasn’t really anything specific about him that made it feel safer, it was just that I was so drunk I wasn’t really scared anymore. I want to emphasize though that it’s not like I’m drinking to force myself to do something I don’t want: I have diagnosed anxiety, so it was more just like me self-medicating to get over the unnecessary fear and actually get to what I want to do.

[Heather]

I want to pop in here and make sure to tell you that none of us owes anyone our abuse history. By all means, it's often helpful to share in some kinds of relationships or interactions, but waiting to tell anyone, including a therapist -- be that for days, weeks, years or longer -- isn't a lie of omission. It's information you get to wait to share until such a time as you want to share it and feel safe sharing it, and a therapist, of all people, should understand that. <3