Body image, transmasculinity, and sexual anxiety.

[LopezMonty]

I'm going to start this by saying this is deeply embarrassing. I am transmasculine (I don't know if I'm a binary man, though I do wish to be physically male) and recently, I feel like I've woken up. For many years, I realize I've been constantly dissociating from my feelings and my body. A change in my environment means that I no longer am, but part of me hates it. My dysphoria feels worse than before, and for the first time in my 17 years, I'm actually feeling active sexual desire. But I don't enjoy it. Any of it. My only fantasies either involve a cisgender version of me, or don't involve me at all. Masturbating, which I can only do over my clothes, makes me feel terrible. I'm attracted to men, which can complicate things. Sexual health, hookup culture, etc. And, honestly, I'm scared of doctors, sometimes. If, in the future, I do somehow manage to have sex with men, doctors probably won't treat my concerns seriously. "You won't get HIV, because you're not really a man who has sex with men." Shit like that. Feeling desire makes me feel ashamed, dysphoric, and dirty. And, since I'm not an adult yet, it's impossible to talk about it with anyone. And adding any romantic fantasies on top of it just makes it a depressing mess. I guess my question is, what do I do? Can I turn the libido off somehow? If masturbation is supposed to feel good, than why doesn't it work for me? How do people even know what they're doing?

[Becky]

Hi LopezMonty <3 welcome to the boards!

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much right now. This all sounds like it's weighing heavy on you and causing some stress.

There's a lot to unpack here I think. The main thing it sounds like that's coming up is that masturbation isn't feeling good right now because it's triggering dysphoria and unpleasant feelings and so you don't want to experience sexual desire right now.

Why does masturbating make you feel ashamed and dirty? I can understand how right now it might cause some dysphoria, but where do the feelings of shame come from? Masturbation is perfectly normal, natural, and doesn't cause any harm.

Maybe check out our article about masturbation here: Is Masturbation Okay? (Yep!)

I also don't agree that you can't talk about these things if you aren't an adult. Statistically, people begin masturbating and exploring sexual pleasure from a very young age. Do you have any friends that you trust that you could talk to about this? There's a very good chance they are experiencing similar things. If not, do you have access to a therapist or counselor? Maybe at school?

Can you turn your libido off? Yes and no. We don't really get a say in when we feel turned on. Sometimes it just happens, even when nothing particularly sexual is going on. It can be a combination of hormones, our brains, and external stimuli (even your pants rubbing against your genitals can cause you to feel turned on sometimes.) If you're experiencing sexual desire and don't want to, the best things you can do is try and distract yourself essentially. Try things like deep breathing, taking a walk, exercising, or doing an activity you enjoy. Eventually things will settle down.

When you say "how do people even know what they're doing?" do you mean how do people learn how to masturbate? Most people don't! They figure it out based on what feels good to them. We can offer some tips, tricks, and common practices like in this article here but at the end of the day you're going to have to find out what works for you.

[LopezMonty]

Thank you! About the shame around masturbation, it's complicated. Logically, I know it's normal. But emotionally, I still feel shame. Maybe it's a sense that I don't deserve it? Or that it's tied up with dysphoria; that I shouldn't try and feel pleasure in a body that I hate so much. I am slowly talking to a therapist about this, which is good. But I'm frustrated, too. I worry that this will never go away.

[lilikoi]

Hey there LopezMonty,

I am happy to hear that you are working through your dysphoric feelings in therapy. I am sure you are working with your therapist on your shame and the "shoulds" you feel about your body. Just to reinforce it here, you are absolutely deserving of pleasure because everyone is deserving of pleasure! I don't know if it helps reorient you to pleasure in a different way but many people describe the brain as the body's biggest sex organ. While our physical bodies might get a lot of hype for their ability to notice sensations, it's actually your brain that does the majority of the work processing those sensations and connecting the feeling to pleasure. It's how we distinguish tickles from itching and itching from sexual arousal. That does cause tension though for lots of people when the brain's firing off a ton of pleasure feelings and you are not in the mood or not feeling comfortable with it. We have a few articles that cover that experience a little bit which might be interesting to you! And another one about developing body trust as a trans person!

• How to Develop Body Trust When Trans: An Introduction

• Feeling Good When You're Feeling Bad: Dealing with Unwanted or Confusing Sexual Arousal

• The Great Arousal Mismatch: When Bodies and Brains Don't Line Up

In the meantime, the fear that your feelings will never change is hard to worry about. But, your experience of waking up is very common which makes me wonder if it could happen again or, at the very least, that change in some way is possibly on the horizon. Unfortunately, I can't predict the future but I feel confident saying that there is so much life to live and experience to explore yet. That's gotta inevitably shape you and change you for sure.