How to navigate queer spaces?

[LopezMonty]

I mean, I guess this counts as a sex-ed question, though definitely not one I'd ask a teacher. My question really is just that: how to navigate queer spaces (and the many relationships, sex, and other scary-exciting things within).

For some background, I am a transmasculine person who is primarily attracted to men and other people like me (man-aligned, but not strictly male gender-wise).

I know a big part of (especially cisgender) gay men's spaces place a rather large emphasis on sex. And, while I'm not repulsed by it, it can make me hesitant. I know a lot of cis gay men can also be VERY transphobic, which scares me. I don't want to look for community, only to be rejected again. But is it stupid to look for community like that? To be curious about relationships and sex and even promiscuity while also wanting to belong?

While I don't want to reveal information about where I live, I do live near a rather large city, which I imagine is a good thing. While I'm obviously not seeking out any kind of sex right now, I am aware that it will likely be something I'll have to contend with in the future, so I'd rather figure it out sooner rather than later.

I'm really just a young person looking for advice, here. Mostly, how to overcome fear? Because all of it, relationships, sex, community, clubs and parties, it all scares and intrigues me at the same time.

[Heather]

Hi there, LopezMonty. <3

It would help me to have a better idea of what kinds of queer spaces you're asking about, since that can make a real difference. For example, a queer subreddit online is a very different place than say, an in-person community center, college queer community group, dance club, or sex party (though the two latter are likely not places you'll be going to very soon, given your age).

I do want to say that "promiscuity" is a word used with great judgment in and around sex most typically by people who have the idea that sex outside relationships means, as that word does, that people are not being selective about partners, something that is sometimes true for people, but not for most. For most of us who do or have engage in sex outside monogamous committed relationships, even those of us with many partners, we are still selective in who we choose. So, I am assuming you don't mean what that word means, and instead might be asking about something like casual sex or group sex?

[LopezMonty]

Oh, yes! I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that promiscuous was a judgmental term, though I should have. Yes, I did mean casual and/or group sex.

I guess the queer spaces I'm asking about are any? Preferably in person, though maybe building up confidence online is a good idea. I suppose that any interest in things like dance clubs or sex parties are a mix of being near adulthood and an interest in things that I see for myself as unobtainable. In a place like a university group or community center, I would never really imagine myself in any romantic or sexual scenario. So that feels realistic; obtainable. Safe, even. While platonic rejection hurts and isolation is a common experience of mine, repeated exposure to it almost makes it feel safe? Safer than trying something new and failing, anyway.

[Heather]

Thanks for clearing that up, and no worries.

It's really hard to give advice for "any" much in the same way it would be if you asked me how to navigate straight spaces. Often, I think, what the space is is something where there are a lot more specifics than the fact that it's some kind of queer space. I do still feel a little lost when it comes to knowing what I feel like we need to to best answer your question, too.

Let's try this: what one kind of queer space right now do you have interest in dipping a toe into, and what will you be looking for in that space?