Name is nagging me

[Berkeley2003]

Hi! I was wondering if you have any advice for me. I mainly go by my name given at birth and it is increasingly bothering/nagging me. In very few spaces, I go by my preferred name b/c I still feel shy and scared about telling more people. Hearing and using my given name is increasingly bothering me and it kind of feels like a lot of paper cuts added up. The thing is it's never going to be fully comfortable to share people my preferred name and I keep sitting on the decision rather than acting on it. I kind of feel like I'm in a double bind.

[mikky]

hey there!

While it can be so tough to ask for something we want/need that feels vulnerable, the ask of using a different name is one that people can meet pretty easily. We use all kinds of different names for people all the time. I think about "easy asks": things we can ask of others that can increase a sense of bonding, community, trust, that aren't a big stretch to reach. Like asking someone to grab a cup of water for you while they are on their way to the sink. For me at least, it exercises the uncomfortability of asking for something, and when someone else hands me an easy ask, I am so delighted to deliver. I think a name could be one of those things.

Something that my partner did for a while to reduce those compound "paper cuts" of hearing their given name, but before they were ready for both picking a new name and the vulnerability of sharing it, was go by a sort of in-between nickname/neutral version of their given name. Names can be so wonderful, affirming, awesome.... they can also be bland/functional/whatever. We can try them out and see how we like them and let go of them when they don't serve us.

What makes you most uncomfortable about asking other people to use a name you want to go by?

[Berkeley2003]

Thank you for the response! I'm most uncomfortable about asking others to use a different name b/c I don't want to deal with the awkwardness of correcting them. There's definitely this transitionary phase where people are adjusting and I feel too awkward to self advocate. I know I need to do something about this b/c it's to the point of I'm just avoiding emails b/c I don't want to see my given name. I don't know what would be a right sized step to take moving forward?

[lilikoi]

Hi there!

What a great question. I like your idea of approaching this with one right sized step. The concern about correcting people is valid but for all we know you won't need to correct them as much as you are worried about! We can't know until we have gotten to that step. It sounds like you have yet to try introducing a new name to your community. Do you have concerns about the initial introduction of a new name? Or is the main challenge you anticipate being remembering the switch?

In the case of one right sized step, I wonder if you could tell a close friend or two about this change. If they need a few reminders, it might feel easier to approach and practice correcting them alone rather than reminding multiple people a day. Another option could be signing your name in your emails with the preferred name or new nickname and the older name in parentheses or vice versa. (To eliminate the anxiety about doing this every time, you could set up a signature line that automatically inserts in every email).

Do those sound like supportive steps toward a change?

[Berkeley2003]

I appreciate your thoughts especially when it feels like my thoughts and emotions are swirling a lot in my head. It feels like an overwhelming change, especially the part about the initial introduction. I think I’m afraid of the vulnerability and self advocacy. Somewhere inside of me, I’m fearful about being attractive and likable to people as I become more authentic.

I’m thinking of sharing this with one of my close friends who is long distance.

I think part of my fear is trusting people that they have my back and hold space to affirm me.

[Andy]

Hi Berkley!
I’m really glad we can be here for you to give you space to share your thoughts and talk through them with us<3

Starting with one close friend sounds like a good idea! Maybe the long distance aspect might be helpful to as it eliminates some of the worry of having to manage their response?
Something I have heard from some people around me, who had changed their name, was that they were surprised how little they had to correct people and even directly introduce the change in the first place. When it was in groups where first one or a few people started using their preferred name, the others have automatically caught on soon.

I hear you worry about people not standing up for you. I wish I could tell you that everyone will and hopefully it is like that, but if not, you at least get some useful information about people around you. Do you think that sharing this fear with people you tell about the new name might be helpful?

Do you also want to tell us more about your fear of being attractive as you become more authentic?

[Berkeley2003]

hi! Sorry for replying late to this message. I haven't told that friend of mine, but I'm planning to honestly share it with them over text. This is still playing out in real time. I'm just honestly scared and maybe I just need to learn that there will be some discomfort with this personal growth.

I honestly have been reflecting on it, but yes I do worry about being romantically attractive as I become more authentic. I honestly feel embarrassed that I'm attracted to men and masc people, as a transmasc person. I feel like that just lowers my chances of being in a romantic relationship ever.

I just had this thought today, but I feel disconnected from myself and maybe deliberately ignorant to how I'm perceived. A peer sent me a resource for transmasc folks. And I just felt embarrassed that that's how I'm perceived? Maybe this is internalized transphobia? It's so obvious in that's how I present (as a transmasc person to society) and I don't know if I'm playing dumb as a part to ignore my transness. I just felt ugly in that moment.

[mikky]

hey berkeley2003!

Please don’t feel any need to apologize- we’re here to take things at a user’s pace, so if that means a few weeks/months/years between replies, no problem. Feel free to drift in and out as it feels right to you.

I think there is always some discomfort with growth! It is different and vulnerable and new, and it can feel pretty difficult to be in that space. And certainly, most of us have been taught to regard that rawness with embarrassment and shame.

I have a feeling that the kind of romantic relationship you probably want is one built on authenticity and unconditional love. I don’t think that being authentic to yourself lowers your chances of a good romantic relationship, rather, the discomfort and care to be authentic to yourself (which are acts of self love) might help guide you toward people who can also show that toward you. Does that make sense? That isn’t to say that it’s easier to find romantic connections as a trans person, and there is certainly toxic currents of transphobia in many dating scenes. But many transmasc people are loved and adored, by people of many genders. Lots of my friends are in beautiful T4T and masc4masc romantic relationships. One of my friends has incredibly positive gay hookups and dates, as a transmasc person, not infrequently, while living in a very rural area.

More importantly, it seems like right now, you’re feeling some internalized connection between unattractiveness/undesirability/ugliness and being transmasc. Can we talk more about that?