was this SA?

[shark_hyazinthe]

So, the incident I'm describing here happened like 4 years ago, when I was 12 (I think).
I was at a pool party with friends, and it was at one of my friends places, so we were able to shower there. We went to the bathroom together to shower and freshen up our Makeup. I was a bit insecure about my body at that time, so I didn't get in the shower with the others, I just did my makeup in the same room.
The other three girls got in the shower together, and after a few minutes two of them kind of started fingering the other girl...? Like, I'm pretty sure they didn't fully know what they were doing, but they kept on asking stuff like "do you like that?" in a kind of sarcastic or teasing tone. The other girl was laughing with them, but she also kind of said "stop it" all the time, but the others didn't take it seriously, because she was laughing.
I only saw part of it, because it felt very uncomfortable for me, but I didn't leave and neither did I say something.
I also had a bad feeling afterwards, because I should have at least told them that I was uncomfortable.

[KierC]

Hey there <3

First, I am so sorry to hear that you witnessed that. I appreciate you opening up about what happened, it sounds like this was really uncomfortable and has stayed on your mind for a bit of time. I’m here and I’d be glad to talk through this with you.

So, I’ll preface this by saying that it is normal, common, and healthy to experiment and be curious about others bodies, particularly when you’re younger, but that is only okay when there’s no coercion or force. What’s not okay is doing anything by coercion or force, and it’s also not okay for people to bring others in or make them witness something they didn’t consent to (by doing that to her while you were also there). From what you’ve described, it doesn’t sound like this was anything to do with curiosity, particularly the teasing comments and the other girl being outnumbered. It’s tough to say because I wasn’t there, but from what you’ve witnessed it sounds like that was done without care, consideration, or consent. Even if she was laughing, her repeatedly saying “stop it” should’ve been listened to. (Sometimes people laugh when they’re uncomfortable or scared, and this can happen during instances of sexual coercion).

As for the question of “is this sexual assault,” the only person who should really define this moment is the girl it happened to. We don’t know exactly how she feels about it, if she feels wronged or hurt, so it’s hard to say. But we do know that this seemed pretty scary for you to witness, and what happened doesn’t sound okay at all.

I am truly sorry to hear that you witnessed this. What sort of support do you think you’d find most helpful right now? I’m here and can help however you need.

[shark_hyazinthe]

I mean, since I wasn't the person experiencing this, but sort of a bystander, the main thing concerning me is what I could have done better. Because now I kind of have the mindstep that I would rather step in and say something too often, than not enough. And I just wondered how I could have adressed this, without making the situation sort of 'more embarassing' for the other girl? Like, she didn't look absolutely horrified or something, but still like mildly uncomfortable and embarassed (for context, I was sort of the 'outsider' in the group anyways, so the things I said kind of had less weight than the others, and I think I was also scared of like ruining a friendship in case everything was okay)

[lilikoi]

Hi shark_hyacinthe,

Let us know if you would like support as well! Being a witness is impactful too. That sounds really uncomfortable and disempowering to see. Sorry you were put in that position!

It is hard when you feel like an outsider but, speaking up to counter someone's actions is hard as an insider too. Calling something out when no one else has said anything is super hard! Preparation ahead of time is a great way to feel more ready to speak up next time.

There are lots of ways to intervene, so you should ask yourself what level of intervention you are comfortable with. One approach is to be direct with the people who are acting inappropriately. The level of direct varies. Some ideas for things to say are

• Technically what you are doing is sexual assault.

• Not to be a bummer but, technically what you are doing is sexual assault.

• Hey, she looks kind of uncomfortable. Do you want them to stop?

• It's not okay to keep touching someone after they said stop.

• I heard her say stop. Did you hear her?

• Can you stop doing that? You're making me uncomfortable.

Another approach is to distract them so that they leave the person alone. No matter what, you can always check in on the person who looked uncomfortable and ask them if they want to talk about what happened. When it comes to worrying about their embarrassment, I understand your concern about that however, when someone has explicitly asked someone to stop, even if they are laughing and look happy, it's a clear request that should not be embarrassing to reinforce. That being said, if you worry that you are stepping in when someone else doesn't want you to, it is completely appropriate for you to mention your discomfort. You deserve to exist in a safe and respecting place, in the shower and out.

Here is a resource with more bystander intervention information: https://righttobe.org/guides/bystander- ... -training/

[shark_hyazinthe]

thank you for the resources, they're very helpful <3