Shocked at Parents’ Belief

[Canuck57]

Hey fam.

So, my parents are generally sex-positive, and I assumed that applied to everything. But, when our family was watching a show with sex scenes, my mum told me and my sibling she’d be “ashamed” if she showed me and my sibling the sex scenes in the show we were watching (she skipped past them). Later that night, I asked my dad if he disagreed with my mum on anything major; he said no.

Now, I’m just shocked and confused. I really can’t know where they stand on anything they haven’t directly told me (i.e: masturbation is okay). I write smut as well, and I’m scared of how my parents will react if they find my book or how often I masturbate.

I’ve processed this as much as possible with my friend, but they, while open-minded and no less supportive because of their beliefs, are on the fence about whether porn for minors was okay. But the worst part? I can’t talk about it with my parents. And it crushed me, because they are the two people I always want to be able to talk to because they have and always will have known me for the longest. I’m not too upset at them, I’m just lost and confused.

Now, it’s been over a week and my emotions have cooled down a bit, but I’m lost. I feel like I’m hiding more and more things from my parents (I am). And, while I haven’t yet, might have to start lying to them to keep my sex life safe. In my religion, lying is generally strongly discouraged, and for good reason. I hate lying and would hate it even more if I were lying to my parents. But if that’s what it comes too…

Another rant. Sigh. Thanks for anyone who reads this; it helps just to know people hear this.

[char]

Hey Canuck57. I'm sorry to hear that your parents' stance on sexuality has left you feeling lost and confused. I think your feelings are completely understandable, because as of now, it sounds like there's a new layer of what your parents think of sex. Two months ago, you were talking to us about whether it'd be possible to discuss porn with them. Have you managed to do this--if you have, how did that conversation go? If you haven't, with this event in mind, do you think it would be more challenging to discuss it with your parents in the future?

I'd also like to let you know that you don't need to lie to them about your sex life. Not telling them everything you have going on with your life doesn't necessarily mean lying--you can tell them later when you feel ready, or set some boundaries on what they can know and cannot know. After all, you can make choices that are independent of your parents' preferences and approval--and it sounds like you've done this in the past, such as discovering labels that best describe your experience and creating sexual media. And it's not like your parents tell you everything about their sexualities either, right? While it can be daunting to form your own values, be comfortable with having them, and explaining them to others when asked, it's also a sign that you're learning more about who you are as a person. Do you know what I mean?

[Canuck57]

I think I understand that. Thanks a lot. It also helps to get another perspective on how to maintain privacy; since I’m generally pretty open with them, it can be hard remember I don’t owe them every detail about my life.

No, I haven’t discussed that with them yet. And after learning that about them, I’m scared to. If they are against porn for minors, period and I tell them, I’m scared because I don’t know what will happen.

I don’t really need porn in my life; I’m fine without it, and the conversation might be too risky. More than anything, I’m looking for ways to get through this without being able to talk about it with my parents.

[Anya]

Hey Canuck57,

It's totally reasonable to feel scared about that. Especially if they choose to control what you have access to, it makes sense to try and air on the side of not talking about it quite yet. It is also completely understandable to feel pretty lost without being able to have these conversations with them. Your parents should ideally be people who you feel you can confide in and who won't judge you. This unfortunately isn't always the case though, because all parents are still just people and everyone has their own beliefs about sex and porn (even if they conflict with each other).

We are happy to have you here, at least, and of course willing to support you through all of this. Any questions or processing you need to do about this, you can always do here. We can be good listeners

[Canuck57]

Thanks. I’ll let you all know if I have any more questions.

Thank you all once again for all the work you do to give so many teens and young adults access to free, reliable, and judgement-free sex ed. I know it has changed countless lives.