Worried I'll never find mutual understanding

[CakeFlakeCYM]

Hey. I'm 21, and a cis male, and I think I'm demi sexual. I've posted here before and I'm hoping this isn't a re-packaging of other posts. I'm just really starting to worry that I'll never find anyone I share any mutual understanding with.

I've never been in a relationship, and I worry that I have an over-romantasized idea of one. Like, when I think about the idea of being in love with someone who is in love with you, that has to be one of the greatest feelings ever. I know real life makes things more complicated, but the way people downplay or devalue relationships, overly focus on compromise or tell people to also appreciate being single really just makes me think they've not actually experienced what I imagine a relationship really is. Or again, I'm overly naive because I've never been in one I don't know.

Anyway, I bring that all up to say that finding love is like... Something that means a lot to me. I want to find it so bad. Like, disregarding how badly I want to be a parent in the ladder half of my life, I genuinely just want someone to share life with. I want to find someone who I understand, and understands me. My whole life, even in the friends I have, I feel like nobody's really understood me. The people who have at a young age always moved away, and my current friends now, who are great, I still wouldn't say really understand me. It's something that's hard to put into words but it's also something I'd like to think I'd know when I feel it, and I would hope if I found someone they'd know it if they saw it.

Anyway, sorry if most of that was me just saying what I want. I mainly said all of that to lead into the advice I'm searching for. I don't know what I'm doing. I've barely dated. I've gone on one kind of date that wasn't called a date but resembled one. I've only matched with one person on a dating app where the conversation remotely went anywhere, but still didn't lead to anything in the end. It seems like once a year, there's some thread I latch on to, but like... Out of desperation and hope in what COULD happen rather than finding anyone where we both share a spark.

And since I'm nearly done college, and I've been getting a taste of what full time work is like and how little time and potentially joy I'll actually have in "the real world" I'm terrified that I've missed the boat. Like, I know people say "Oh, your 21, that's young, you have your whole life ahead of you." But idk, to me, that comes across hollow, because it seems to lack the understanding of what life actually is for someone in their 20s now. The economy is so fucked and hostile that if you find a job, you pretty much have to work all your time away to make basic rent and expenses unless you have 3 roommates or found a job that will still work you so much, you'll struggle with time.

And this is all on top of the fact that I have absolutely no clue how to actually "find love." I've seen people say "Stop worrying about it, it'll find you when you stop looking." But... Like, that doesn't make sense??? What's that advice saying? So I stop trying until I find someone who I share a spark with? That just seems like dating. Unless it means stop looking, which also makes no sense because nobody's just going to show up in my life if I don't try. I like making things, most of my enjoyment comes from staying home. I feel like I could join groups where we share mutual interests, but so many of the things I'm into are unfortunately male dominated, and it feels like a totally seperate issue doing that because that also feels desperate, because any woman I occasionally do meet in anything like that would probably be there spesifically TO just ingage in the interest, and I'd be the creep "only there to try finding a girlfriend". Again, most of my interests I don't really need a group to enjoy.

Anyway, I'm worried I sound bitter, and this is more of a vent than a post asking for advice. I just felt all that context was important to show where I'm at at this point. I'd just like to know like... How do people find love outside of college? Or what mind set changes should I make that I might be misunderstanding? This is just something that genuinely eats away at me. I want to make someone happy, and be a special part of their life. I want to be able to share my interests with them, and they'd actually be interested. This lonley feeling is a reoccurring cloud of sadness for me and I feel like I'm just inching closer and closer to the idea of giving up hope completely.

[Heather]

Hey there, CakeFlake.

I understand feeling like this, and remember having really similar feelings, especially in my 20s and 30s when so often dating relationships of mine would peter out pretty fast, or when it felt like people I connected with weren't seeing me as a possible long-term partner, but instead, as a momentary novelty (though I can't say if my feelings actually squared with their realities).

I do think that 21 is young and that people finding long-term partnerships that are going to stick then is both unusual and, when it does happen, often isn't always the best because in our early 20s, we are so often still just barely getting a sense of who we are, what we want, and how to actually connect well with others in intimate relationships. But I also know that even at 21, it can feel like you have been waiting a very long time, even though it hasn't yet been a long time. If it helps for some perspective, while I'm someone who did have a handful of long-term relationships over the course of my life, including some very important platonic ones, I was in my 50s when I finally found someone where we really, really clicked in a romantic relationship. I hope that helps you see that it's not anywhere near too late for you, it's never too late for anyone, but for someone of an age where most of your peers won't yet be in the kind of connection it sounds like you're looking for -- or will, but probably not for very long, because our relationships tend to be shorter when we're younger -- it really isn't. This would be incredibly early in your life to give up on finding connection: I think one of the mindset changes you just need to make, and it isn't often easy, is that finding the kinds of connection and relationship you are looking for is rarely the stuff of months or a few years and more of an ongoing lifelong endeavor, where often there will be years at a time where we're single or without that kind of ongoing connection with one long-term partner.

My experience is that by all means, you have to both be open to connection and earnestly seek it out. Outside of things like clubs or school or work (which is rarely a good idea), in 2026, that usually means using dating apps, or going to dating events, or asking friends if they know anyone they think might be a good fit for you to connect you with. And in the meantime, I think it's really helpful to create a wide array of other kinds of relationships -- namely, friendships -- to tend to how lonely you feel. Not only are those kinds of relationships as important and potentially valuable and rich as any other, and just generally important to being alive, having a community really can do a lot to quell loneliness felt from not having other kinds of relationships, and that can help you avoid falling into things that aren't actually great just because you feel so lonely (hello to my 20s and early 30s).

Maybe the friends you have right now aren't a great match for you? If you've had them since you were young, that's pretty common, since we aren't the same people in our 20s as we were when we were kids and we also tend to have different things we want from friendships. So, it might also be that on top of looking for a partner, you might benefit from seeking out some new friendships, too. And, if it's any consolation, I'm someone who wound up raising a kid part-time with a platonic best friend, and whose family has mostly been chosen and made of friends and beloved exes, so even for me as an allosexual person, creating a family wasn't dependent on having a romantic relationship.

How does all of that land with you? Does it give you any thoughts or ideas?

[CakeFlakeCYM]

It does give me some thoughts and ideas yes. Also sorry if I didn't make this clear, but my current friends are pretty recent. I haven't retained any friends from childhood due to moves and stuff.

I don't dislike my friends, and I know why I'm friends with many of them. I've just noticed even with my closest friends and with the similar general interests we share, there's not alot spesifically to bond over. Like, were creative, and enjoy many of the same types of stuff, but also it's almost like all of the shows, movies, games, even ways we grew up are completely different and so I don't really have a lot of things personally I share with many friends.

Which is all to say I love my friends, and I love talking to them because there's enough life and stuff happening and that has happened to enjoy spending time with them or chilling with them. But I still feel this unfulfilled feeling, like that feeling that I've yet to find people who get me, and the other way around, where I truly get them. Which in a way is good, I don't feel this desire to replace my friends... But also I suck at even making them in the first place. And thus, finding any love or intimacy feels even harder.

I see what you mean tho, and I appreciate the encouragement to keep looking. Dating apps I've tried. I may keep trying them, but I have no clue if they even work. What I mean is they probably function how they're designed, but their design I feel has long passed getting people together. Tho my dating profile's could be the entire reason why I don't eve really seem to match, and the rare times I do, the other person doesn't really respond much. When I use a dating app too, I just have such a dirty feeling. Like I'm being forced to choose if I want to know someone more based on looks and overly simplified examples of their personality. Especially considering I feel the gender balance on dating apps is way out of wack. If my issue is no replies, I'd assume a woman's issue is having to filter through tons of men matching with her.

Anyway sorry about that. I'm still going to keep trying because despite everything, I still hear success stories. I've never seen dating events around me but I'll hope some happen. Same with hoping my small social circle has people they know who can introduce each other. I also just don't want to come off desperate... Especially considering I already feel like I come off desperate anyway. I try not to, and I try telling myself I'm not, but I can't help but feel like I'm lying to myself when I say I'm not desperate.

The last thing I want to note is that it is encouraging that you still found love so late in your life. Encouraging in a way that tells me it's technically never too late. But I feel like the irrational anxious part of me can't help but also latch on to the worry that any relationship I try finding at this stage of my life is a waste of time. Even tho, also, I know in my heart that being in love seems amazing, and I'm simultaneously terrified that even if I find love in my 30s and 40s, life will be so much more different, difficult, with less time, and less "whimsy" if I were to try and put it into words. But idk. Does any of that make sense. Just trying to put some more worries into words.

[CakeFlakeCYM]

To be clear, I still appreciate the advice. I worry I came off unappreciative, sorry. I do still want to try everything you said, and the words helped me to feel a bit better too. I'm just also letting you know the kinds of worries or feelings I had when I've done or tried or thought about similar things discussed before.

[Heather]

You really don't have to worry about that, I understand.

In terms of your friends, I wonder how you feel about possibly trying to deepen any of your current friendships? It sounds like you like your friends, but what I'm hearing is that you don't feel particularly close to any of them. Do I have that right? If so, how might you feel about thinking of one or two of them to start with and see about getting closer to them? Getting closer will generally involve sharing more than interests, but feelings, including feelings like you've shared here. When we mutually share feelings, we deepen intimacy, and that tends to be how we forge greater connection. Have you had this kind of sharing with any of them? If not, are you open to it?

I know that dating apps can be a drag, and tend to take more work than it feels like they should, but I disagree that they don't work anymore. They're how I met my partner, but they are also how I have met many partners as well as friends (if you're both open to whatever kind of connection feels best, it can happen pretty easily that we go on a date and find that while we don't connect romantically or sexually, we do connect as platonic friends). I wonder if it might help when you use them to figure that pics and profiles are a starting place, not an ending one. When we choose someone based on those -- and there isn't anything wrong with that, this is also often how we first decide to approach people IRL, based on looks, chemical feelings or only knowing a little about them -- that's just us taking a first step. Then, if the other person comes back to us, we get to talk with each other and get to know each other more before we decide to meet or not. Then, once we meet, we get to keep learning more and keep deciding.

I also disagree that early relationships are a waste of time. In fact, as I'd hoped to make clear in my first response to you in this thread, I think they're really important for us to learn a lot about ourselves, others, how we interrelate and what we want. And, of course, sometimes those early relationships will turn into long-term relationships, whether that's for a year, five years, ten years or more. It might help to remember that it's rare for any relationship to be lifelong: for sure, sometimes we get lucky and have a few of those, whatever the kind, but more often than not, given how long life can be and how much we can all change over time, even long-term relationships won't last a lifetime.

I also seriously disagree that love later in life is less wonderful and whimsical. In fact, I'd argue -- and we have some study and other broad information on this that's been coming out, too -- that it can often be more so because the older we get, the more we tend to know ourselves and be comfortable with ourselves, and the more we tend to know, especially with relationship experience, about what we want and need with others. We also will generally tend to be struggling less with just the basics of survival (feeding ourselves, paying rent, figuring out how to take care of ourselves). All of that can create a kind of freedom, relaxedness and self-assuredness that can make it a lot easier to just enjoy yourself in relationships than the way we can get tangled up and stressed out about them when we're younger. But really, there's no one age or time of life when people can't enjoy love, falling in love, and being close to someone. The idea things get less interesting or exciting when you're4 older is based more in ageism than people's actual lived experience. <3