romance. not normally my scene.

[maroonteen]

last time i was here i was at one of my lowest points. i can proudly say now, i am doing so much better. i'm surrounded by genuine people who bring me real joy, and i'm working through a lot of my troubles in therapy. recently i realized i'm actually further up the aromantic spectrum than i had initially assumed. originally i thought i experienced no romantic attraction, i am now learning i experience it rarely. i really like this guy. i thought i was purely aromantic for all my life, i'm 20 and i just met this guy who i cannot get enough of. problem is, he's not all that dedicated to me.

when i met him we clicked almost immediately, we had this chemistry i never felt between myself and another person before. the conversation and the flirting came so naturally, like it was just meant to be. fast forward to a couple of dates, we're getting close--i've had my first kiss with him and with anyone, actually. i finally tell him that we should talk about us, figure out what we are. he says he's not sure if he's ready for a relationship. he also hooks up with another girl. ouch. but also not ouch, because why would i be mad or upset at this guy when we aren't even together? there's no loyalty set in stone yet. so i just let it go, and give in to temptation every once in a while by kissing him again. this girl approaches me, lets me know that he's trying to talk to her again (because she assumed the two of us were together by this point). he gets a bit upset about the idea of people thinking we're together so he breaks things off with me. genuinely heartbreaking, if not for two days later when we caved in to our desire for one another yet again and he apologized for being too harsh.

i don't know what to do. this back and forth is killing me--i know he said he wasn't ready but it's starting to feel like we're really attached to each other to just be "friends" now. i think the weirdest part is that he got insanely jealous when he heard about me seeing someone else and kissing them. he didn't say this to me, i could just tell., and so could everyone in the room--because they were the ones who mentioned his frequent glances to me. i think he's struggling with his own promise to stay noncommittal. his whole "i need to work on myself" is collapsing and its probably freaking him out. i should talk to him. i should definitely talk to him. but what do i even say? is this even a relationship worth saving?

my tarot cards strongly advised me to hold onto him, my therapist advised me to go for it-- but all my friends say he's an idiot. i'm kind of nervous to be the one who has to lock in and do all of this, i wish he was more confrontational or at least communicative. it feels like its all on me. maybe thats just one of the things he needs to work on? i wouldn't mind staying around and helping him with that journey.

it's just weird because i've never liked someone like this before. i've never kissed someone before him. or had these conversations or romantic moments--just any of this. that's not the reason i like him though, i had been worried that maybe i'd get too attached because he's my first everything--but i think i'm attached entirely because of what we have. the only reason i was flirting with this other person and kissing them was because i was convinced my time with this guy was over and i needed to move on by going for someone else. but i could not stop thinking about this boy the entire time i was there. it's so frustrating. i just can't believe all the poets and the songwriters were right and i just had been missing out on this for so long in my life. i'm so down bad that i've actually joined them and written poetry about this all myself.

[Sofi]

Hi maroonteen, that's a wonderful update! Love to hear you're doing better.

Obviously I can't answer whether this relationship is worth saving or not, only you can. That said, it sounds like he has made it clear he isn't looking for a serious relationship, even though his actions can be confusing and send mixed signals. When someone tells you they don't want to date...no actions really matter after that, because their words are pretty clear. I don't want you to feel like it's okay to do all the work because that's not what a real relationship is. In a relationship, you're both putting in the effort to have good communication and you're both working on yourselves because you want to be a good partner. It doesn't seem like he's doing this or wants to, and it's certainly not your job to do it for him.

I totally understand you have a strong connection with him and it feels special. I do think maybe because it's the first person you feel like this about, it feels stronger - that happens to almost all of us with our "first love". It's kind of like having on rosy colored glasses, as the saying goes. What you want to think about is: do you want to have to put in this much effort for someone who isn't reciprocating that effort for years, or potentially forever? Because falling in love with someone's potential, rather than what they're showing you, can often lead to disappointment when that person doesn't change...and that's unfair to you. You deserve to feel like your partner wants to be with you as much as you do them, and is putting in as much effort as you are into it.

How does this hearing all this make you feel?

[maroonteen]

I think you're right, and this makes a lot of sense. It's unfair and I might be doing more than I need to. I'm gonna talk to him and see if maybe there's just some miscommunication holding us back but if not? I feel like it's right for me to just end things. What really sucks, though, is that I believe i'm Gray-romantic--so the chances of me experiencing this same attraction again with someone else is rare. I know life can exist outside of romance its just..I haven't ever had the chance to DO romance. I just got the hint that its possible for me and I want to hold onto it. And it's not only that, it's not the idea of romance that's keeping me here. I actually just really like this guy. Is it ridiculous to be so sad over a guy i've only been seeing for about a month?

[char]

Hey maroonteen! Seconding what Sofi said, yeah, it doesn't sound fair for you to "chase" this person until he reciprocates your feelings and wants to be in a relationship with you. I think talking to him is a good idea--that way you'll be able to have closure on what he actually thinks of this relationship. Like what you've told us, since he's also focused on another girl, there's a chance that he doesn't want to pursue what the two of you have, but it's a good idea to ask him regardless. Do you need help in talking to him about this?

Also, I think it's not ridiculous at all to be sad over this person that you've only seen for a month. Sure, maybe you won't get to know everything about him, but the feelings you gain from the experience are definitely valid. After all, like Sofi said, since this is your first crush, you might feel things more intensely than you thought you would. But rest assured that you still have plenty of time. There are other people you haven't met that may be a better fit for you--people who are as invested and want to put in the effort to make this relationship work as you. And sometimes, as the saying goes, romantic love comes in unexpected ways. Know what I mean?