Was i groomed? and if not what happened?

[smiyh38]

When I was 15, I met a guy who was 18 at a party, and we quickly became friends. I didn't know it at the time, but he knew exactly who I was long before meeting me. It didn't take long for feelings to develop, and he admitted he had feelings for me despite my age and stated he didn't care but would ask questions like, "You don't care, do you?" and "You like this, right?" I was never sure how to answer and would say that I was happy but that he was older and should make the better judgement; I was naive. As we continued to talk, he'd tell me to keep it on the low that it was like that, but he'd still tell his friends, of course, and they didn't like it at all. They'd be nice to me, but they'd always remind him it wasn't right and that I was too young for him to act the way he did about me. He'd often try and get me to be physical or question why I wouldn't; he'd beg me to lie to my friends and family to stay at his house or to get me under the influence, but I'd always avoid it. I knew it felt strange. He would pull me away from group settings or hanging out with friends; he would give me compliments about how mature I was or about my body and would talk about meeting my family and taking me out at night openly when I was legal. It feels crazy saying I didn't know at the time; I just thought he liked me. I was in a really dark place when I met him, and at the time it just felt like he was there to reel me in and pull me out. I broke things off with him and later found out I wasn't the first young girl with an illegal age gap he'd gone for, and that fact alone made me feel sick. He was the first guy to ever get me out of my comfort zone and go out, and I think since realising that relationship wasn't what I thought it was, it's really tainted how I feel about any new relationships either, and I'm not sure how to feel.

He wasn't 25 or 30; he was only 18, but had I gone knee-deep in something possibly harmful? What happened?

[mikky]

Hi smiyh38,

Regardless of his age, it seems abundantly clear that this guy was manipulative. Those types of questions (you don’t care, do you?) are incredibly coercive, camouflaging as seeking consent while really not giving you any room to answer for yourself. You say he was coercive and pushy around being intimate, wanted you to lie to people who cared for you, isolated you from those people, and push substances on you. ALL of that is manipulative and abusive behavior, and I am very sorry that this person treated you like this when you were in a difficult and vulnerable place. That wasn’t okay of him at all, and it wasn’t your fault to want to be cared for and liked.

I see your other post about relationships/dating, and I’ll let Sofi speak to building new relationships after having had this experience. But, it would make a lot of sense for this to be a very affecting experience. In my opinion, part of why the gap between 15 and 18 is so significant is that at 15, most of us have very little context and experience in dating. It seems like since this experience, you’ve been able to identify many of the elements that were not okay, and I hope you’ve also been able to reflect and recognize that these were not your fault for being “naive,” but his choices and actions.

It sounds like he’s not a part of your life anymore- is that right?
You also asked if this was something possibly harmful, but it sounds to me like you were harmed by this. Have you talked much about this with anyone in your life, like friends or family?

And, just leaving this here:
Why I Deeply Dislike Your Older Boyfriend

[smiyh38]

Hi Mikky,

Thank you for your response. I've really needed to get an outside overview on this; I've taken him out of my life entirely, and I can see how different it's been since he's gone. I haven't told people about this so openly before, only a single friend of mine, and it was kept quite brief. I do want to speak to people about my experience and hopefully figure out how to fully move on from it. It's been hard moving forward knowing what I do now and having to look back and see that was the person I'd involved myself with.

I really appreciate your understanding. Being the age I am, sometimes it can be difficult to open up to adults about situations like this, but people my age tend to not take my age and inexperience into account and see it more surface level than something manipulative and vulnerable. In fact, I had some issues with old friends of mine due to "association" with the man because of his history, but really, it was my first time finding out too. It's been a hard thing to think over alone, but I'm really glad I've been able to share it here; it really means a lot to me.

I'll be sure to read the page youve linked below.

[Sofi]

Hi there, I've caught up on this thread as well, and just wanted to echo Mikky that this was not okay and I'm really glad to hear you're not associating with him anymore. I'm so sorry you have friends who still do. I agree at your age some people can't see the seriousness of something like this, and those are probably not people you want to be close friends with, especially if they're still cool with him.

Let us know if any questions come up from the article Mikky linked. We're here to keep talking if it's what you need, or we can continue the chat on your other thread. <3