Contamination OCD and Masturbation?

[shybiguy]

Hi there,

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and it most often manifests as Contamination OCD (for example, I wash my hands repeatedly for long lengths of time because I don't want things to be "dirty). My ideas of what is "dirty" are often illogical and false, as OCD tends to be.

This has made masturbation incredibly difficult, and more of a chore and a stressor than a form of pleasure. It's not that I see masturbation as harmful or "impure," it's the fact that it involves body parts and possible fluids, as well as less logical "dirtiness" related to the sounds and sights of pornography.

I already only masturbate with my underwear on to avoid body parts or any wetness touching my clean bedsheets or desk chair, but it never feels like enough. I have to thoroughly spray down both with a fabric cleaning spray. However, my new desk chair is made of a thick, pillowy fabric and I fear the cleaning spray isn't enough.

There's also the matter of pornography. I struggle to come up with individual fantasies on my own, and while I've found porn that does help achieve orgasm (as well as being trans inclusive, focused on consent, and drawn/animated, as real people makes me uncomfortable), my OCD believes the sounds are "dirty/unclean," as are the images (this is not exclusive to explicit images or sounds, it's a whole issue with non-sexual things as well. Just exacerbated by NSFW material). So I also have to use electronic wipes to clean down my computer screen and headphones.

I only masturbate at night, and this leads to waking up feeling like everything's not truly "clean." I can't wash my bedsheets every time I masturbate due to fear of drawing suspicion from living with parents, and there's no real way to clean my chair. I know all this is my OCD, and while I've tried to talk to my therapist about it, it's not our main focus compared to other, more debilitating forms of my OCD,

What am I supposed to do? I've been avoiding masturbation as much as possible for this exact reason, but it's hard to distract myself from arousal in the middle of the night, and it's not a real solution to my problems. I don't want any reassurance that things are "clean," as I know that just feeds into my OCD, I'm more just looking to see if this is an issue other people have, and ways I could approach my therapist about this issue.

[mikky]

Hey shybiguy,
I’m really glad that you’re already working with a therapist, and I can tell you have a solid understanding of what won’t help (reassurance) and that you know your OCD turns illogical/false ideas into real worries. This is absolutely something other people struggle with. When I was in intensive OCD treatment, I met other people with similar struggles, some extremely similar to what you are describing.

I think that masturbation can be so particularly tricky for our OCD brains, because it involves a ton of potentially triggering/sensitive moving parts (body parts and fluids, desire, fantasies, ethics) AND it is something that we aren’t “supposed” to talk about. It’s kind of a petri dish for rumination. Not to even start on pleasure and how rude OCD can be around things that make us feel good.

Without creating an avoidance of masturbation, I do wonder if while it is feeling so acutely like a chore/stressor, if it is something you could ease off of while you generally build skills and resilience in addressing OCD. Do you feel like that is something you could do?

I also would encourage you to talk some more about this to your therapist, because while there might be other topics that are the focus right now, your relationship to pleasure, your body, sex, masturbation, etc. is (in my opinion) no small thing. I know with a lot of OCD treatment, things can get pretty compartmentalized, but our lives are mixed up and connected. Does it feel uncomfortable to talk about masturbation with this provider? Are they someone who has demonstrated non-judgement and safety with topics like this?

[shybiguy]

Hi mikky,

Thank you so much for the response! I do think easing away from masturbating as often while I'm in this state of mind and working on the skills I need to overcome my OCD is something I can do. If I need to, I can try to find ways to distract myself from the arousal, even at night.

My own relationship with sex and masturbation has always been difficult for me to talk to, but after starting sessions with my current provider earlier this year, I think she's a good fit and that this is something I can talk to her about. It's been brushed upon a few times, and she's great about not making me feel shameful, I just get nervous about getting into this much detail. Still, like you said, this is a pretty important thing, and it does tie into facing my contamination OCD. I see her later this week, and will make sure to address this.

Thank you again for your help!

[char]

Glad Mikky's response was helpful! I hope your upcoming session goes well and that you were able to talk to her about this