I feel guilty for wanting to have sex

[coffeebeans]

I feel bad for wanting sex and I don't know what to to about it. I never wanted it before but now I want to try it ??

Also how do you know you're not fetishizing women? ? I don't want to make it seem like I'm reducing someone to just their body or make someone uncomfortable. I want them to feel safe with me and not feel like I'm using them .

And how do you communicate what you want without feeling ashamed about it? I still tense up at the mention of sex or talking about it or what I want but I'm supposed to be an adult now.

[Anya]

Hi coffeebeans,

These are some big questions so let's work through this a bit together.

On your first question, what is making you feel bad for wanting sex? Sex is a normal thing to want, though unfortunately we generally do live in sex negative cultures which push stigmas and shame for wanting perfectly valid things. It's definitely common to feel shame about sexuality, but are the any things you can pinpoint that may be making you feel particularly bad? (parents opinion, peers, social media, etc.) In the meantime, here's an article to check out: Overcoming Sexual Shame

On the topic of fetishization: "Fetishization" is the mental process of turning something or someone into a sexualized object in one's brain. This means not seeing them as a whole person and reducing them to their sexual value. This is particularly different from just having sexual feelings toward someone, which is the experience of holding those sexual/romantic/intimate feelings for someone, AND also seeing them as a whole person at the same time. So their sexuality, or interest to you, does not take away from their wholeness and value as a person.

Its understandable to feel like these topics of fetishization and normal sexuality conflate though, as we see a lot of sexualized depictions of people, especially women in the media, making it pretty confusing when we grow into our sexuality through expose to those kinds of sexual representations.

Communication can often feel like a really tricky thing, especially when there is any insecurity about the topics we wish to communicate. Honestly, I wish there was an easier solution, but really the only way to get good at communicating is through practice. Here is an article of ours on communication about sex: Be A Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats And Hows Of Talking About Sex With A Partner

I also want to note, please list a location in your profile to comply with our user guidelines. If a location does not match your IP (even just broadly) we will not be able to support you further. Thanks!

[coffeebeans]

I also want to ask about different types of attractions like physical attraction vs romantic attraction and sexual attraction. I recently learned that I been getting it wrong and learn physical attraction don't always mean sexual attraction. And I think I understand now what feeling a pull towards someone means.

Can you experience sexual attraction without the physical or vice versa?

Because they both sound like thing that would go together often so what would experiencing one without the other looks like?

[KierC]

Hey coffeebeans!

I’d be happy to chat about different types of attraction with you. What you learned recently is right: sexual attraction is distinct from physical attraction. Sexual attraction is the feeling of wanting to engage in sexual activity with another person, and physical attraction is finding someone’s physical traits appealing. Though they often come together, they can each be experienced without the other.

For example, you can experience physical attraction to someone without feeling the desire to have sex with them if you simply appreciate their appearance in a non-sexual way. You can also feel sexually attracted to someone without necessarily finding them physically appealing, because there are so many components about people besides physical traits/appearance that can make someone want to engage in sexual activity with them. Know what I mean?

[coffeebeans]

Yup I think I understand. I know I need to wait until I get more experience so I can understand myself more but I don't want to wait anymore.

Honestly I just wish I know if I'm actually feeling sexual attraction or am I just fetishizing someone.

I don't think I can go out in other places right now. And I can't go to pride. Still somehow I would need to wait until I move out in order to experience anything. Trying to not think about your sexuality is hard .

I don't want to be faking anything but I still can't help but think I am somehow. Like what if I was wrong then the whole time I would have been sexualizing women for no reason. And I don't want to be wrong. People in here have real problems and I'm over here just worry about on thing all the time.

[amber]

Hi coffeebeans!

I do want to reiterate that feeling sexual desires is not something to feel guilty about. It is normal and not something that you should feel guilt about.

How did you feel reading Anya's breakdown of "Fetishization"? I think they did a great job at highlighting how you can experience sexual desire towards people without seeing them as a sex object.

I am sorry you feel stuck and unable to 'think' about your sexuality. You can always be vulnerable and honest here!

[coffeebeans]

Thank you I read the breakdown on fetishization and I think I got it.

A few more questions sorry. I know fantasy doesn't mean something real or doesn't mean anything about your sexuality but people use fantasy(like books movies fanfiction) to explore their sexuality because it feels safer that way .

Idk is it bad that I want some of my fantasies to be real but I still feel nervous about it. I want to kiss and cuddle with women my age but I don't want to get caught. I feel like a twisting in my stomach but still a tingling sensation just small. I realize that if I was away from my parents and not around anyone I would feel more comfortable consuming romantic f/f media

Also I just wonder if it's okay to be nervous about doing something that might hurt someone. Like I get nervous about penetration and penetrating someone could hurt them. It seems weird to me . And if I try to do it to myself I cringe up and not really get anywhere because I don't like to think about feeling the inside of myself or someone else.

I know penetration not everything about sex there are other ways to have sex but I still worry that I'm not good enough. Weird thing to think about if I haven't even been with someone yet. But I still haven't actually try doing it myself and I want to but I don't think I can.

Does sexual fantasies sometimes lead to reality or desires?

Also this is random but how come everytime that I'm near my period like day before I have more sexual thoughts?

It just randomly and recently it started happening as I get older.

[char]

Hi coffeebeans. I'll do my best answering your questions:

Idk is it bad that I want some of my fantasies to be real but I still feel nervous about it. I want to kiss and cuddle with women my age but I don't want to get caught. I feel like a twisting in my stomach but still a tingling sensation just small. I realize that if I was away from my parents and not around anyone I would feel more comfortable consuming romantic f/f media

Does sexual fantasies sometimes lead to reality or desires?

Nope, it's not an issue at all! As you've already mentioned, your sexual fantasies don't have to mean anything about what you'd like to do or have in real-life sex, or that you have to apply them in person. What we do with our sexual fantasies is completely up to us. It's also okay to feel nervous and excited about exploring our fantasies and doing sexual acts with the people we are interested in and care for, especially when we're in a private, safe space.

Also I just wonder if it's okay to be nervous about doing something that might hurt someone. (...)

I know penetration not everything about sex there are other ways to have sex but I still worry that I'm not good enough. (...)

The idea of having sex with someone, especially when it involves direct contact of our genitals with someone else's genitals or other body parts, can definifely be nerve-wracking. Not just because there's a huge emphasis on penis-in-vagina sex in the media (even though not everyone wants to and will have that kind of sex), but also because insertive sex in general poses high risk of STIs and, when it comes to penis-in-vagina intercourse, pregnancy. That said, in a consensual sexual relationship, you and your partner will have to continuously communicate your needs and boundaries; not only ahead of the sex, but also during and after. After all, everyone involved needs to be active; rather than picturing sex only as you doing something to your partner, for example, we can picture this activity as something the two of you share out of interest, curiosity, and enthusiasm. This is also why I've avoided calling intercourse "penetration"; that word implies that the person doing the inserting is doing it with blind force, and the receiving person has no power or in stopping it from happening, when that is not the case. Lastly, it's important that you're only doing the kind of sex you want to, not the kind you're expected to simply because of your gender. The same goes to your partner. If you and/or your partner find intercourse to be uncomfortable for whatever reason, you can definitely hold off from doing that, or skip intercourse altogether. Do you get what I mean?

Also this is random but how come everytime that I'm near my period like day before I have more sexual thoughts?

For some menstruating people, as the production of progresterone in their body increases during the end of a menstrual cycle, so does their sexual desire. Progresterone itself helps create a lining in the uterus so it can nourish and house an egg, should it be fertilized by sperm and implant.

Do these answer your questions? Let us know if you've got any! We also have articles that you can read to learn more:
- I like fantasizing about it: would I like it for real?
- Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist
- Is intercourse a violence or a violation?
- Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry
- Does sex have to involve penetration? The idea of it makes me totally sick.
- On the Rag: A Guide to Menstruation