First time happened and GF was unhappy with it

[NatalieR]

I lost the V-card and it didn’t go well. I’m a lesbian who just learned she was one. A week ago I had sex for the first time with my girlfriend, and it went terribly.

During the sex I didn’t know what to do and it was obvious because my GF got irritated and said I should know what to do already at my age. I tried to give her head but she stopped me and asked me how I could not know how to give oral by now. I felt so embarrassed and it hurt my feelings because I started out excited to learn but it wasn’t good enough I guess. After the sex we talked about it and I shared how it made me feel when she had that reaction. She said I shouldn’t of been that bad at it then and that I was being too sensitive. Now I don’t want to have sex anymore because I was bad enough for her to have that reaction.

I know I’m a late bloomer but I did not think sex would be like this and I didn’t know it would be this hard for me to do. She knew it was my first time, but maybe she just doesn’t have the patience to teach me? I don’t know if anyone even will.

[mikky]

Hi NatalieR,

I am very sorry that this person treated you this way. It is not at all acceptable behavior from a sexual partner. I do not think that this person is someone you should continue a relationship with in any form- it sounds like she is demeaning, unkind, and unsafe. Can we talk about what it would look like to end this relationship?

Nobody should just know how to have any kind of sex due to their age, or sexuality… Sex is always, no matter how much experience we do or don’t have, about communication. “You shouldn’t be bad at this” is not communication, it is just bullying.

We can talk more about building confidence in future sexual relationships, and communicating, but right now, I am primarily concerned about your safety and wellbeing in this relationship.

[Heather]

I also want to echo what Mikky has said and add something important.

No one -- literally no one -- can know what to do when it comes to what a partner enjoys until and unless our partner shares that with us. When we have had previous partners, even then we only know what to do when it comes to what those people liked, which may or may not be the same as what our partners in the future like. How we learn to be sexual together is by exploring each other openly and by doing a lot of mutual communication while we're doing that -- asking what feels good, saying what feels good, asking for what we want more of, saying what we want to try, etc. Frankly, if this person has themselves had sexual experience then THEY should have known that. If they don't, if they think that people just do to new partners what they do to previous partners and that that somehow is satisfying to everyone, then that's their inexperience or lack of knowledge showing, not yours.

I think having sex with this person was what made it bad, from the sounds of things, not your inexperience, so I hope that on top of hopefully moving away from this person, you can step into any interactions next times knowing that the expectation between new partners should be that it's all new, because you're new to each other, and that that is not only okay, but the exploring and communicating and learning together should be a fun part, not something stressful like this. <3