is highschool dating/making a move worth it? how do you cope with your feelings if not?

[bearbunny]

hi!!! i'm new to this so maybe Im not doing this right but I wanted to get into some specifics. I'm 17 and autistic so growing up I was usually left out of any of the romance or crush drama at school. When I was younger I was relieved about this, but as I get older I want to be more included in it, especially when I have a crush. I have a crush right now, on a close friend, and its the first time someone I've liked is very affectionate with me, but I'm fairly certain that's just how he is as a person and the crush is not reciprocal. that being said!!! me and him are very close and im kind of losing my mind. i mean we see each other 24/7 in class, afterschool, we even text a bunch when we cant see each other!! We literally got dinner together one on one the other day but not as a date (ToT;) (which makes me think it could also just be a proximity crush but idk..) i really like him and i want to have hope that i could have that highschool romance ideal... because i have some friends who are living it and have really cute stories to tell!!! but i also have other friends who dont reccommend it at all and say highschool dating is the worst. theyre saying that from experience though, and i personally dont have any experience to form my decisions based on. I know i should probably just let this crush pass and maybe distance myself from my friend (which would be so sad!!and i really dont wanna do...<-- also i dont wanna make him sad and this def would.. ESP IF I TOLD HIM IT WAS BC I LIKE HIM?? I DONT WANNA CREEP HIM OUT ( ) but also i feel like im gonna become an adult with no experience at all... like how do i get into the dating scene in highschool, if i even should at all???? is it better to just hold out until im older?? i know its not enitrely uncommon for people to still have no experience during/post college but then what do i do with these strong feelings i have now? ive had some friends tell me im hyperfixating on it (adhd+autism) and that i just need to find something new to focus on, but like I said I see this person A LOT and also i take a lot of advanced classes and dont have time to pursue my regular hobbies... is this a scenario where i just have to accept the chud life and the fact that im gonna be highly distracted by this crush that i can do nothing about??? (ToT)!!! please help!!!!!

i know i maybe went on a few tangents so TLDR : Should you avoid dating in highschool? and if you do, how do you cope with the strong feelings of having a crush in the mean time?

[lilikoi]

Hi bearbunny! Welcome to the boards.

Omg you're crushing! A crush is such a wonderful feeling. I am so happy you are thinking about how you want to handle your feelings!

To start, you are right that it is a common experience to have no romantic experience during/post college and your question about how to get into the dating scene is so well articulated! I don't think anyone in our staff would say that dating in high school should be avoided. In general, saying what people should do isn't helpful because it implies that there is one exact right way to go about the world.

The beautiful thing is, the fact you have a crush and curiosity about dating means that your brain and emotions are probably ready to explore the crush. That might feel unnerving because this is a good friend of yours but there are plenty of scenarios where you share your feelings and end up feeling happy and connected. There is a chance that your feelings might not be reciprocated. If that's the case, your friend would let you know and you can go through the process of letting go of a chance at dating him. Even in that scenario, friends can stay close and connected just in a platonic way.

Having feelings for someone is not creepy! It is a human experience we cannot control. What we can control is our response to the other person's reaction. I would say that, most often, creepiness comes from someone revealing their feelings and then refusing to listen and respect the other person's lack of interest.

If you decide you are not ready to share your feelings, you can try to focus on things you like about the friendship more than focusing on things you like about the individual person. For example, maybe you like sharing interests or the friend group you're a part of. Those are kind of neutral focuses for your brain. That being said, if you are curious about how and when to start dating, following your intuition and self-awareness is the first step. Once you know you have a crush, you only know how dating them will pan out if you try it.

What would you say makes you nervous about revealing your feelings?

[bearbunny]

THAT IS SO NICE AND HELPFULL!! i really like the last advice about thinking about it less on a individual basis ^___^ i think honestly i dont know..normally when i get a crush its very Obviously unrequited, so I have less anxiety about it ? Because I know there's no chance. But with this friend he is extremely affectionate with me and so every time I attempt to move on there are little things that get my hopes up? And knowing his character hes very much just like this with everybody (to the point that I text him every day, have gone to dinners with him, hes told me he loves me, hes escorted me home multiple times after going out to make sure im safe, and none of my friends have even suspected anything. Hes just genuinely a very berry nice and enthusiastic dude.) Like so I know that its extremely unlikely that hes interested, and even if he was he probably wouldnt make a move because hes very academically focused as well, but at the same time he is doing all of the aforementioned things!!!! So i cant just brush it off like I normally do, but at the same time Im not confident he feels the same way either (>___<;).. Ive tried testing the waters a bit by sending him memes that are technically made for couples but vauge enough to be applied to us as well or by just generally being affectionate too i guess?? but either hes really oblivious or he genuinely has a relationship like this with all his friends because nada...nuthin'.... i dee kay... i would love to pursue something more but genuinely it may just not be in the cards for me Im starting to think.... at least not for a while (>__<;)...,,

[Latha]

Hi there, Bearbunny

either hes really oblivious or he genuinely has a relationship like this with all his friends because nada...nuthin'.

I want to point out that there is another option, in that he might feel the same way you do: unsure, and afraid of bothering you or hurting your friendship. The memes you've sent him are by nature ambiguous. You've mentioned that you take a lot of advanced classes and don't have a lot of time--he might be thinking that you are focused on your studies. You don't have to tell him how you feel if that isn't a step you want to take, but this point, the way to know how he feels for sure is to ask him. I agree with lilikoi, telling someone you like them is not the same thing as pressuring them respond in a certain way--if you did tell him, you would not be creepy.

In light of that, what would you think of talking to him about how you feel, or asking him what he thinks about dating? The second option might give you some plausible deniability, since it isn't unusual for a friend to be curious about such things. How would you react if he said no, and if he said yes, to dating you?