Girl thinks she's pregnant, what am I supposed to do?

[Heather]

You know, it is okay for us to give a therapist constructive crticism or to tell them that we think something they are doing -- or sometimes even everything they are doing! -- isn't working for us. That's feedback good therapists will want, because it helps them figure out what *will* work for you. I'm sorry it doesn't sound like it's done a lot for you so far, but I hope that changes for you soon.

I hope you go to that birthday party. You know, I have some sense of what you're feeling like with friends and such treating you oddly. When I was about your same age, and already wasn't someone who fit in in the school I was in thanks to being punk and queer, I lost someone close to me very violently, a lot of people found out about it, and I felt like I was treated like an alien, too. It's very isolating, and I'm sorry. I can't speak for you or if you even feel up to this, but for me, finding some new friends who were people who were able to handle what I was dealing with a bit more went a long way.

The way her Dad is talking to you sounds pretty gross, but I'm also not surprised given what I know about him already from you. Extra machismo helps no one, and you and his daughter made a choice together: this wasn't just on you. He may or may not ever change how he feels about you, but I think that just being yourself, doing the best you can with this situation and standing up for yourself when you need to is the way to go generally, but also the most likely way to earn maybe at least some respect from him over time. But you don't have to engage with him like this, and you get to decide what kind of relationship you want with him, if any, and when and if you are in contact with him.

[rodi]

I'm sorry that happened to you, it sounds a lot difficult than i'm going through. As for my friends, i hope they at least go back to treating me how it was before, i don't need them to udnerstand what it all means, even i don't know.

And I did go to the party, two really there was a birthday party for my little brother's friend and it a bunch of small kids screaming all the time. The other party was almost normal, other than avoiding my ex people weren't treating me all that weird.

The feeling of incoming doom is still in my stomach, but i don't know what to do with it, maybe i will pass when the baby is born. you must have helped other people in my situation before, did it got better after hte baby was born?

[Heather]

I'm really glad you were able to have a normalizing experience at that party. <3

I would say that people who are very worried about parenting -- and everything that comes with it -- during a pregnancy tend to feel better after a birth, especially when you're not the person who was pregnant, because for you until then, almost everything is theoretical or hypothetical. Just being in the real of it, where there is an actual person you can meet and feel the desire to care for, and who you can see is just a tiny person, not an apacolypse, does seem to change things for a lot of people.

But I'd say that in my experience, things that can help even more are feeling as prepared as possible and feeling as supported as possible. Things like having conversations with people in your life ahead of time and finding out what kind of help they will or might be willing to give now and after the birth can go a long way. Really reading up about birth and child development -- reading things like parenting books -- tends to help people feel better and more prepared. I think in your case, a conversation or two with Marcela about how you two both might want to co-parent (including things like possible schedules, boundaries, how you two can split up practical things you need to do) with some clear decisions would probably go a very long way if that's possible.

[Heather]

Hey, rodi. I was out most of the last week, but I've been thinking about you and just wanted to check in and see how you've been doing. <3

[rodi]

Hi Heather,

I didn't think giving a day by day update was a good use of your time. I've been doing normal things most of the time, school, going out, gym, walking dog, sports, friends, played some games, trying to live life as usual as much as I can with a bomb going off in a few months.

Dad put some distance between me and her parents so they aren't bothering me, she herself keeps insisting on trying to date me, i mad e the mistake of getting intimate once but she only got more persistent and i felt bad, so i've been trying to see other people, jsut to create some separation but things been rough, got rejected three times in a row by different girls which hasn't been good for my self esteem, but i'll go out with someone else on wednesday, who knows how it will turn out.

other than that just waiting things to happen.

[Heather]

You get to post here in whatever cadence works for you, rodi, I just wanted to see if you were doing alright. I'm glad that you've been able to get back to some normalcy in your day to day life.

It sounds like you and Marcela need to have a serious talk about your relationship and agree on some boundaries. I certainly think being sexual with her sends very mixed messages, especially since she wants an ongoing romantic and sexual relationship with you. If that's not something you want, and I think you've been really clear here it isn't, then I think you need to be very clear and very consistent about that. I don't think dating other people can stand in for clear communication. Instead, I suspect all that might do is make her feel even worse, like she's kind of always a side piece when it comes to you, given the history so far, even though you two are going to have a kid together. That's a really rough way to feel, and not only would you obviously want to do what you could not to be part of making someone feel like that, I also think that her feeling that way will make it even more difficult for you two to co-parent.

Are you up to some clear communication with her, some solid boundaries, and doing what you can on your part not to send mixed messages?

I think there's a conversation to be had about trying to date new people right now, but only if you're open to it.

I'd also suggest not thinking of the birth of your child as a bomb going off, both for your own sake and the sake of that kid. Will having a kid, even if you aren't giving birth yourself or the primary parent, cause a huge disruption in your life? Almost certainly. But this is a person, and not an incendiary device, and the attitude of all involved does actually impact it and will also impact how you feel about it. Have you been able to do anything more to prepare, like reading some baby books, for instance?