Sexual trauma changes my worldview in a way that makes me lost

[Masc_Cinderella]

I have a hard time distinguishing whats too sexual and what isn't. Whenever I feel like what I'm saying is vague enough, or too silly to be upsetting, or just simply completely surface level, people still tell me to censor what I say. And I guess I understand, and I always adjust, but I also don't get anything at all. I guess you could say that I'm desensitized. But thats not entirely the case. I go through a shit ton of sexual trauma and just got hit with the worst trauma responses that make me just wish I was completely sex repulsed so people would actually like me. I'm just so broken and ruined and it makes me want to cry

[KierC]

Hey Masc_Cinderella, and welcome to the boards. I’m glad you’re here

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve endured sexual trauma. I can certainly appreciate how you feel desensitized while making sexual comments or jokes; we know that it’s one of the many ways people experience sex and sexuality after trauma.

I hear you when you say you wish you were sex repulsed, but I think it will likely be more helpful to instead learn how to navigate people’s boundaries around sex and sexuality. It’s something everyone has to do, so you’re really not alone in this either. How does that sound to you?

So I can understand a little better, can you tell me a bit about where you’re being censored, and what sort of comments are being censored?

[Masc_Cinderella]

Really just in discord servers with friends or support groups. You cover something up by ||surrounding a piece of your message like this for people to actively click on||. It doesn't mean my message is gone or anything, just hidden for anyone who doesn't want to read it. And its fine! Its completely fine. I understand that sexual topics aren't for everyone. And while I'll comply with peoples boundaries regardless, I guess its just that I feel lost about whats too sexual and what isn't, and also quite bitter???????
For example, the other day, I vented in a support groups chat. I wasn't really thinking, I just wanted comfort. I cried about wanting to have sex someday, but feeling too disgusting to ever experience such a thing with someone. I didn't go in depth about my specific wants or anything, and really the message was more so about being undesirable from an ableist/sanist and aphobic standpoint. But a few days later, a mod told me to censor the vent because of the presence of minors, and I guess that was kind of just a punch in the gut.
Its selfish to feel this way, but I'm still trying to navigate the (mental and physical) pain from being really sexual at a young age. I don't exactly know how to heal, or what I would say or do if I were to go back in time. But what I do have a solid idea of is that the simple mention of sex isn't, within itself, traumatic or gross. And not only that, but exposure to sexual topics at a young age within a safe environment (like this website) is completely fine, healthy even.
I guess you could say that my views on whats actually safe and maybe even necessary for a minor to see as a victim of sexual trauma is different from those who haven't experienced it, and yet act like they know anything (to put it bluntly). Thats just one part of this whole mess, but its the one thats been conflicting me the most. I just wish I was completely compliant rather than compliant while being annoyed.

[Heather]

Hey there.

That example you gave doesn't sound at all to me like you having bad or even poor boundaries. Instead, it sounds like the moderator overreacting and having the belief that people under 18 can't have any conversation about sex (an idea obviously we'd disagree about here!). I'm sorry you shared something so vulnerable and had that experience, especially as a survivor.

I wonder, if before we talk more about the bigger picture with this, if you could tell me where you're getting the sense that it's you in the wrong, or behaving badly, when you want to talk about sex and sexuality. Is it only because other people are telling you that it's you, and because you feel like they have more authority here than you do?

Do you think that some of what is at play in your assessment about what you've said and how others react is doubt in yourself, probably due, at least in part, to your trauma and to your idea or experience of being a survivor? I know -- for myself, and for others, I once wrote about it after a radio interview, actually -- that it's easy to swallow tropes about survivors and hypersexuality and believe them (even though they're very questionable and often based far more in rape culture than survivor realities), and that, paired with the results of abuse or assault, can make some survivors feel like anything sexual they do must be about abuse or trauma and must be somehow wrong.

[Masc_Cinderella]

I guess its because people are telling me that I'm in the wrong, yeah. Because I really, truly do make awful mistakes sometimes. I feel so messed up, so of course I need that guidance. But it feels like I could never stand up for myself when it feels like I did nothing wrong. No one understands what its like, and to question anything at all would instantly label me as someone terrible. Its just not worth the hassle.

[Heather]

How about we start here, even if it's just in this space for now, by assuming you haven't been in the wrong a good deal of the time? Because if the other experiences you have had have been anything like you described, chances are awfully good you haven't done anything wrong here.

I'm also a survivor of multiple kinds of abuse and assault, including sexual assaults -- and I'm not the only one on our team that's the case for -- so please know that while you're here, you're in a survivor-centered and informed space where people really do understand.

I get not having the capacity, and feeling too worn through, to argue with people in situations like this. Would you like some help troubleshooting how to best avoid or at least lessen how often this has been happening to you? That way, you could go through this less and you can do that without having to try and do things you don't feel strong or confident enough for just yet. <3

[Masc_Cinderella]

Sure, I'd love that :]

[Heather]

Of course.

It sounds like the easiest place to start might be by identifying what are some safe spaces and safe people for you to talk about sex in the ways you want to. So far, to me, that sounds like you wanting to talk about ways you're struggling with it and your desire to be sexual, but how that feels as a sexually traumatized person as well as perhaps just making light jokes about it.

You just found this place, so there's here. How about other places or other people? Is there anyone or any place where so far you haven't been scolded or made to feel bad for asking about sex or saying light things about it?

[Masc_Cinderella]

I can talk to most of my friends about it with a few precautions here and there, yeah :3. I also have nsfw accounts to share some art and thoughts. They don't get much attraction, but I don't mind it.

[Heather]

I'm so glad you have these foundations to start with!

Honestly, if it helps to hear, we get folks coming in here fairly regularly reporting the kinds of reactions like you have when they have gone into places like subreddits or Discord to earnestly ask questions or express feelings and it's about sex. I promise it's not just happening to you. While I get that sexual trauma can make it extra tricky to figure out what a group or person's "rules" and boundaries are around sex, the kind of experience you mentioned here is something that happens to survivors and non-survivors online a lot, especially in spaces that aren't moderated by people who are sex or trauma workers or educators.

What do you think about sticking to those friends and those spaces you know to be safe for you for now, while you get time to build up your own confidence and some more trust in yourself and faith in your own judgement?

[Masc_Cinderella]

It sounds a bit difficult... I'm going off to college soon and I want to make even more friends. But even in that case I would have to get accustomed to what its like being around them and such, so I guess waiting and building up my confidence doesn't sound too bad