Girl thinks she's pregnant, what am I supposed to do?

[Heather]

You know, it is okay for us to give a therapist constructive crticism or to tell them that we think something they are doing -- or sometimes even everything they are doing! -- isn't working for us. That's feedback good therapists will want, because it helps them figure out what *will* work for you. I'm sorry it doesn't sound like it's done a lot for you so far, but I hope that changes for you soon.

I hope you go to that birthday party. You know, I have some sense of what you're feeling like with friends and such treating you oddly. When I was about your same age, and already wasn't someone who fit in in the school I was in thanks to being punk and queer, I lost someone close to me very violently, a lot of people found out about it, and I felt like I was treated like an alien, too. It's very isolating, and I'm sorry. I can't speak for you or if you even feel up to this, but for me, finding some new friends who were people who were able to handle what I was dealing with a bit more went a long way.

The way her Dad is talking to you sounds pretty gross, but I'm also not surprised given what I know about him already from you. Extra machismo helps no one, and you and his daughter made a choice together: this wasn't just on you. He may or may not ever change how he feels about you, but I think that just being yourself, doing the best you can with this situation and standing up for yourself when you need to is the way to go generally, but also the most likely way to earn maybe at least some respect from him over time. But you don't have to engage with him like this, and you get to decide what kind of relationship you want with him, if any, and when and if you are in contact with him.

[rodi]

I'm sorry that happened to you, it sounds a lot difficult than i'm going through. As for my friends, i hope they at least go back to treating me how it was before, i don't need them to udnerstand what it all means, even i don't know.

And I did go to the party, two really there was a birthday party for my little brother's friend and it a bunch of small kids screaming all the time. The other party was almost normal, other than avoiding my ex people weren't treating me all that weird.

The feeling of incoming doom is still in my stomach, but i don't know what to do with it, maybe i will pass when the baby is born. you must have helped other people in my situation before, did it got better after hte baby was born?

[Heather]

I'm really glad you were able to have a normalizing experience at that party. <3

I would say that people who are very worried about parenting -- and everything that comes with it -- during a pregnancy tend to feel better after a birth, especially when you're not the person who was pregnant, because for you until then, almost everything is theoretical or hypothetical. Just being in the real of it, where there is an actual person you can meet and feel the desire to care for, and who you can see is just a tiny person, not an apacolypse, does seem to change things for a lot of people.

But I'd say that in my experience, things that can help even more are feeling as prepared as possible and feeling as supported as possible. Things like having conversations with people in your life ahead of time and finding out what kind of help they will or might be willing to give now and after the birth can go a long way. Really reading up about birth and child development -- reading things like parenting books -- tends to help people feel better and more prepared. I think in your case, a conversation or two with Marcela about how you two both might want to co-parent (including things like possible schedules, boundaries, how you two can split up practical things you need to do) with some clear decisions would probably go a very long way if that's possible.

[Heather]

Hey, rodi. I was out most of the last week, but I've been thinking about you and just wanted to check in and see how you've been doing. <3

[rodi]

Hi Heather,

I didn't think giving a day by day update was a good use of your time. I've been doing normal things most of the time, school, going out, gym, walking dog, sports, friends, played some games, trying to live life as usual as much as I can with a bomb going off in a few months.

Dad put some distance between me and her parents so they aren't bothering me, she herself keeps insisting on trying to date me, i mad e the mistake of getting intimate once but she only got more persistent and i felt bad, so i've been trying to see other people, jsut to create some separation but things been rough, got rejected three times in a row by different girls which hasn't been good for my self esteem, but i'll go out with someone else on wednesday, who knows how it will turn out.

other than that just waiting things to happen.

[Heather]

You get to post here in whatever cadence works for you, rodi, I just wanted to see if you were doing alright. I'm glad that you've been able to get back to some normalcy in your day to day life.

It sounds like you and Marcela need to have a serious talk about your relationship and agree on some boundaries. I certainly think being sexual with her sends very mixed messages, especially since she wants an ongoing romantic and sexual relationship with you. If that's not something you want, and I think you've been really clear here it isn't, then I think you need to be very clear and very consistent about that. I don't think dating other people can stand in for clear communication. Instead, I suspect all that might do is make her feel even worse, like she's kind of always a side piece when it comes to you, given the history so far, even though you two are going to have a kid together. That's a really rough way to feel, and not only would you obviously want to do what you could not to be part of making someone feel like that, I also think that her feeling that way will make it even more difficult for you two to co-parent.

Are you up to some clear communication with her, some solid boundaries, and doing what you can on your part not to send mixed messages?

I think there's a conversation to be had about trying to date new people right now, but only if you're open to it.

I'd also suggest not thinking of the birth of your child as a bomb going off, both for your own sake and the sake of that kid. Will having a kid, even if you aren't giving birth yourself or the primary parent, cause a huge disruption in your life? Almost certainly. But this is a person, and not an incendiary device, and the attitude of all involved does actually impact it and will also impact how you feel about it. Have you been able to do anything more to prepare, like reading some baby books, for instance?

[rodi]

We didn't get sexual, just cuddled in bed naked, but it's also hard cause she doesn't get it. And no, I haven't been doing mcuh to prepare, i've been putting it as something to do in the future.

[Heather]

Well, like I said, if you said mixed messages, she's not going to get it. I think cuddling in bed also sends a mixed message -- someone who cuddles in bed with you is not someone who doesn't want to be with you. So, for her to get it, you really have to be very clear in telling her what you do and don't want, and then very consistent in your behavior matching up to what you say. And then you just stick with that and give it time. It's only been a few months, and this obviously will be extra confusing for her because she's pregnant with a pregnancy you both made together.

I don't personally think it's a good idea to wait to read up on infants and child-rearing if you plan to have any part of this. Once kids are born, everything happens so fast, including their development, so if anyone parenting them or otherwise involved with them isn't learning at least some ahead of time -- or hasn't in their own life before, like by helping to raise a young sibling growing up -- they're often constantly going to feel overwhelmed and behind. Not preparing makes it much more likely this *does* feel like a bomb going off: it's a sort of self-fulfilling self-sabotage. Do you think not doing any of that preparation might be a kind of avoidance and/or denial for you?

[rodi]

It's complicated because I do say all the time, but sometimes she says like she's crying that her family or that she's gaining weight or something and it ended up like thbat.

Self sabotage sounds right or maybe just putting up with it for as long as i can, cause then i don't think, things will change even more. If i were smart i'd not be in this siatuion to begin with.

[Heather]

If I'm understanding correctly, you're saying that when she's upset you don't know how to comfort her except by being physical? If that's right, I'm happy to make some other suggestions for you, and some strategies for that.

I'd also be happy to write you up some short scripts to help set boundaries with her: would you like me to do that for you?

You know, the ship has already sailed as far as you being in this situation. I think beating yourself up about it, like by insulting your intelligence, isn't helpful. In fact, I'd say doing that is something that's only likely to have a poor effect on your decision-making moving forward rather than a good one. We don't tend to make our best decisions when we're down on ourselves, after all.

The great news is that you still have the ability and time to change how you've been doing things. You can still start reading those books, even today.

I don't know what's available in bookstores of libraries in Brazil as far as English-langauge books go, but a couple of my favorites for new dads are: Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads, by Gary Greenberg and Jeannie Hayden and a classic book, Your Baby and Child by Penelope Leach. As far as what's for sure available widely in Brazil, there is a Portuguese translation of the classic What To Expect When You're Expecting, Thatiane Mahet's O grande livro do bebê, and this newish guide expressly for fathers also seems to get high marks in some community groups, Como Nascem os Pais, by Renato Kaufmann.

I'd suspect -- and hope! -- that your obstetrician grandfather could help you access some of these books, and may even have some in his home or office. We also have a pregnancy section here at Scarleteen with lots of information -- https://www.scarleteen.com/read/pregnancy -- as well as a parenting section -- https://www.scarleteen.com/read/parenting, though the latter is generally more focused on children past infancy (though we do truly need a basic new parents guide, something I've already made a note of).

[rodi]

Not exactly like that, it isn't that I only know to be physical, I stand firm most of the time, but sometimes things don't go that way, like she wears me down, it's complicated to explain cause it's not somethign that always happens the same way.

When you say scripts, do you mean like when therapists make you rehearse a scenario?

As for availability of books I guess any digital one is easy to get, in any language and i live in a big city plus can order online, i could only meaningfully read books in german, portuguese and english though, so your recommendations will work. I actually read some of your pregnancy section a while back though mostly on the abortion stuff.

I won't lie and say i'm eager to read, i have never been a big reader, but i must do something, i'll try to get the books.

You said something about talking about dating other people, i just came home i went out with a girl and no surprise nothing going ahead, fourth in a row i feel like i'm untouchable and the reason is obvious.

[Heather]

Not exactly like that, it isn't that I only know to be physical, I stand firm most of the time, but sometimes things don't go that way, like she wears me down, it's complicated to explain cause it's not something that always happens the same way.

This sounds like something that can be solved by good boundaries and holding to them. Have you yet talked to her about this and set a clear, firm boundary with her, like by telling her it isn't okay to ask you to be physical with her in any way because that isn't something you want or the kind of relationship you want? Have you attached a clear consequence to it, like by telling her that if she pressures you for anything physical, you'll need to stop interacting for the day and go home?

When you say scripts, do you mean like when therapists make you rehearse a scenario?

No, I mean some examples of what you can say to her to set boundaries, not to rehearse, but to either use as is with her, adapt so they feel more like you, or use as inspo to set boundaries in your own words.

I won't lie and say i'm eager to read, i have never been a big reader, but i must do something, i'll try to get the books.

I understand. If audiobooks work any better for you, you might see if any of those are available as audiobooks.

You said something about talking about dating other people, i just came home i went out with a girl and no surprise nothing going ahead, fourth in a row i feel like i'm untouchable and the reason is obvious.

I can't speak for the reasons why the girls you're asking out or going out with are turning you down or not asking to see you again, but it's obviously possible this is about Marcela's pregnancy. But it also could be about other things and other people (as in, the idea someone not wanting to go out with you always has to be about you isn't so sound -- it may also be about the other person and what she wants and doesn't and how she does or doesn't feel about you regardless of this pregnancy). No matter what, I'm sorry it's taking a hit on your self-esteem, but relationships with other people ultimately shouldn't be mostly about bigging ourselves up, anyway, they're supposed to be about connection with someone else for our mutual benefit. And sometimes, people pick up the vibe that someone is looking to date to make themselves feel better and that's the reason they back away, too.

It's hard for me to imagine you actually have the emotional and logistical bandwidth for a new intimate relationship, and even if you do now, it seems like in a few months, that will probably change. My best advice is to consider that this is actually a lousy time to try and start something new romantically or sexually, even though the attention and validation would make you feel better. Again, that's really not what intimate relationships with people are supposed to be for, and I think that focusing on what you can do for your own well-being separate from sex or romance and on what you need to do to prepare for being a new parent are sounder places for your energy right now. <3