Breakups and dating as a dismissive avoidant

[Raffles]

After just over two years, my boyfriend and I broke up. It wasn't a very dramatic conversation. He shared with me that he often doesn't feel like we had a real relationship. I have a hard time knowing how to be a good girlfriend as this was my first relationship (late bloomer), so I had a lot of learning to do. Despite my efforts to better match his needs, it still wasn't enough. We agreed that he needs more out of a partner, and I am unable to provide that. I also admitted that I couldn't see the relationship progressing after we finish with additional schooling. After that, he decided to "rip off the bandaid," so we ended the relationship. We both expressed a desire to become friends again if/when he is ever ready.

This was something we talked about last year around this time. (I believe I posted then as well.) The TLDR is that I feel like I don't have the emotional depth required for a romantic relationship. While I enjoy companionship, I don't think I am able to "fall in love." I need a lot of space and alone time, and it is easy for me to retreat into my world and virtually disappear. I spent a lot of time feeling very guilty about not being enough as a partner, but he assured me that he wouldn't continue the relationship if he weren't accepting of who I am. At the time, I thought that reality would catch up to him, and it appears that I was correct. (I am not adding this to place blame on him, just to explain the context a little better.)

I've spent that past day or so reflecting on it all, and it dawned on me that this reminded me a lot of attachment theory. I've been doing some reading, and I think that I fit pretty well with dismissive-avoidant (though I'd like to believe that after a degree in the arts, I know how to handle criticism). Unfortunately, a lot of the information online is pretty negative about people with this attachment type. I understand it, but it makes me feel even more guilty because I see now how my independence can be very hurtful. I once met a therapist who told me that not being able to get in touch with my feelings would mean that no one would love me. I thought that was a little rude at the time, but it turns out that she was right, haha.

Going forward, I am interested in continuing to date. I enjoyed the experience, and I am grateful for what it taught me. However, I don't know if it's ethical for me to do so. I would plan to be up front with my inability to feel emotionally close to others, but I would be open to pursuing a friends-with-benefits arrangement or a QPR. That said, I wouldn't do it if it were hurtful to other people.

Does anyone have advice for harm reduction as someone who is dismissive avoidant? Or am I just not fit for any sort of non-platonic relationship?

[Sofi]

Hi Raffles, it's great to hear from you. I'm really sorry to hear your relationship didn't work out, but glad the breakup was mostly mutual and friendly. I know right now you're going through all the feelings and also trying to find the logical sense in this. I will say, I don't agree that having a dismissive-avoidant attachment style means you're unable to be loved or doomed in the love arena. That's because it's not necessarily a permanent thing - and attachment theory is, after all, something that was made up by someone. There's a ton of controversial opinions about it and many people don't agree with it, so that's something you can look up as well and decide what works for you as far as leaning into it or not.

Either way, you don't have to attach yourself to this attachment style. You absolutely can have a romantic relationship even if you struggle to feel the traditional "in love" feelings you described. Queerplatonic relationships are also an option, yes, but it's really up to you. More important than harm reduction is to work on what you think you could improve on your own first. Not as a partner, and not to be a better partner to someone specifically, but just to have the capacity to have healthy relationships (friendships and all other kinds). It doesn't sound like this was an unhealthy relationship, just maybe two people who wanted different things out of a relationship, which is unfortunately pretty common. We won't always be a good match with everyone, and plus, some people are aromantic and don't experience romantic attraction in the way others do, and they're able to be in relationships.

If you feel like you have the capability and capacity to share life in any way with someone else, which can look different ways but generally just being able to make time to hang out, hold space for them when they're struggling, communicate with them in a way that you both feel heard, etc... then you absolutely can be in all sorts of relationships. People are really harsh about attachment styles because of their own personal experiences but again, you don't have to use that framework. I do think if you feel like romance, emotional intimacy, and vulnerability is something you do want to experience, this would be something to work with a mental health professional. I can't remember if you were seeing a therapist or not, but is that an option for you?

[Raffles]

Hello,

Thanks for your response. I still feel quite guilty based on what he described and what he described in the past about feeling like he had to fight for my attention. It wasn't my goal at all, but I get that lots of people put romantic partners above other priorities.

I am not in therapy. It is very difficult right now because I am a student and a gig worker, so I don't make very much. (And when I have in the past, the $200 price tag really didn't feel worth it.) I was able to remain on a parent's insurance through COBRA, but they just announced their separation so I'm not sure what it will look like in the future.

[Heather]

Raffles: I'm sorry to have read that you've been struggling so much with this. I hope that things can start to feel better for you soon.

Regarding therapy: are there student health services where you're a student? Often, counseling is part of no-cost or low-cost student health services at many colleges and universities.

[Raffles]

Yeah, the timing is super unfortunate due to my parents' impending separation. Being an online student has a lot of perks, but I am not eligible for student health services including mental health resources. The good news is that I think I am doing well enough. Sometimes, life is just hard.

[lilikoi]

Hi Raffles!

Hope it's okay for me to chime in here! I would absolutely agree with Sofi that a dismissive avoidant attachment style does not mean it is unethical for you to be in a relationship. It sounds like your first relationship taught you what you want from a partner and how deeply you can invest in a relationship. Now, you want a future relationship where your partner knows what to expect from you. That sounds like a healthy, ethical way to digest your previous relationship and think about starting something new.

Also! I, too, have looked into attachment theory and noticed that I tend to reflect the qualities of avoidance in relationships. A lot of the information on avoidant attachment is negative and blaming. While attachment theory is technically a theory, I have found it useful when thinking less about my avoidance as an identity and more about avoidance as a strategy I use when I get anxious. One of my favorite resources for a dynamic approach to attachment theory is the Therapist Uncensored Podcast. They are licensed psychologists who bring on other therapists to talk about common issues in couples therapy and to discuss research regarding the neurobiology of attachment. They have some good episodes on becoming more secure in emotionally safe relationships based on attachment tendencies. Hopefully, that can offer some free education while you wait for insurance to cover therapy!

[Raffles]

Thank you for the resources! I think I may have more success with podcasts than therapy anyway, at least a first. I've always felt pretty judged by my lack of feelings when in a mental health care setting. It would be nice to learn without the pressure of another person watching me/interacting with me.

[lilikoi]

Judgement is so toxic for healing mental health challenges! I'm sorry that's been your experience so far!

With the caveat that it's important to find trustworthy sources of information, I really appreciate the free education from podcasts and books. Hope the rec helps a little!

Let us know if we can support you with any other questions!