Unsure if I was a victim of incest

[onaplasticbeach]

To preface, I’m currently 19 and not in danger.

I feel confused and conflicted about whether or not I experienced incest/child sexual abuse in the past. I have heard of the terms covert incest and covert sexual abuse, and I do find myself relating to examples of it, but I feel unsure of whether or not my experiences “counted” as incest/SA. I worry that I might be trivializing the experience of SA by labeling what happened to me as that.

My memories from before I was 17/18 are pretty blurry, so I apologize if this is all over the place. I think my mom may have possibly sexually abused me as a minor. I don’t know, because it feels wrong to say that because I love my mom. But I know there are experiences in the past that happened with her that make me feel disgusted and disgusting and really upset.

Since a young age, I can remember my mom didn’t really allow me autonomy/privacy for my own body. She would insist on helping me shower, and I have a distinct memory that I can’t pin down to a specific age/time of a babysitter being weirded out/shocked that I still “needed” help with bathing at my age. Except I didn’t really need help, I remember when she was babysitting me and my older sibling, I would shower independently. I honestly can’t remember if my mom ever did give me privacy and autonomy at any point when I was younger, my memory is extremely blurry.

What makes me feel really confused is there were times I did actually need help with toileting/showering; I have a medical condition that made me get injured easily before puberty, sometimes to the point of not being able to do things independently. And at those times I actually would need help from my mom with private tasks. I find myself feeling extremely conflicted about these things because I’m afraid I’m remembering things incorrectly and my mom actually was just trying to help me and was not crossing any boundaries at all. It feels distressing to me that I can’t remember things clearly.

Another notable thing that happened is that when I was in fifth grade, my mom took me to a regular endocrinologist appointment (for my medical condition), but the past few appointments, the endocrinologist had been pushing to do a physical exam of my breasts and genitals that I had denied multiple times. I have the memory of my mom and the doctor pressuring me very hard to let the doctor do the exam, my mom trying to bribe me to do it with more time to play video games. I didn’t want to consent to the exam, but I said yes because I felt I didn’t have a choice. I was told the exam was to check how far along I was in puberty. The doctor looked at my breasts, and then asked to look at my genitals to see my pubic hair, but I told him no. I don’t remember what happened after other than me feeling extremely distressed and upset. I don’t even know if that exam, specifically done by an endocrinologist, was medically necessary. Everything I can find online from what I’ve researched trying to make sense of things, suggests it wasn’t medically necessary. Regardless of if it was medically necessary, I felt violated by the exam and especially betrayed by my mom for letting it happen like that.

Fast forward to being a teenager, I know for a fact my mom was “helping” me shower beyond an appropriate age. Until I was 17, my mom wanted to “help” me shower, including me stripping in front of her. I don’t know why this happened. I feel guilty and ashamed and so disgusted with myself for letting her do that. I don’t know why I didn’t push harder to get her to leave me alone.

Even when she was “helping” me shower as a teenager, she would leave me alone for most of it. However, when I was 16, as a punishment for taking too long in the shower and wasting water (I have contamination OCD and was really struggling at that time), my mom stood in my bathroom and forced me to shower in front of her. I was not allowed to use the shower curtain and I remember crying and screaming at her to leave but she wouldn’t. This “punishment” happened at least three times, my memory is blurry. Also, as a teenager, my mom would barge into my bathroom and watch and yell at me even though I asked for privacy because she knew her barging in upset me badly.

This honestly was pretty hard to type out, but I still feel unsure if this would count as SA/incest, covert or not. I love my mom, but I feel very violated by her past actions. Nowadays as an adult I have a very hard time surrounding intimacy because I feel extremely disgusted and scared about being seen naked to the point of dissociation.

This isn’t an extensive account of every single thing that happened, but I tried to describe things the best I could remember.

[Latha]

Hi there, Onaplasticbeach--welcome to the boards!

Thank you for reaching out to us, especially about a subject that is difficult for you to talk about. You don't need to worry about being all over the place in your post--your explanation of what you remember is pretty clear, and if we ever do need help understanding, we will just ask.

Reading your post, one thing seems evident: despite the positives of your relationship with your mother, there are several elements of the dynamic you had with her growing up that have caused lasting hurt to you. You are not trivializing the experience of sexual abuse by reaching for that language to make sense of what happened, because it seems like there was a pattern where, even in situations that were not medically necessary, your mother ignored your boundaries around your body, pressured you, and berated you.

It is striking. I really cannot see any justification for her helping you shower as a teenager, past the age where it sounds like you needed help, or her wildly inappropriate response to you struggling to manage your OCD. It isn't okay for her to have trapped you in the bathroom to yell at you or humiliate you--it isn't okay to trap someone with no way to leave and yell at them in any circumstance. And what you needed was support, not punishment.

Too, I am dismayed by the way you were treated even in the situations that were ostensibly medically necessary. Procedures and examinations that are required, fully informed, and consensual can still result in trauma, because they are inherently vulnerable positions to be in as a patient. Your mother and your doctor should have been aware of that, and especially careful to balance your need for medical support with your need and right to privacy--that matters more than their convenience. If an examination had to happen, or if someone needed to be close by in the bathroom to prevent injury, they should have been very considerate of any negative feelings you had afterwards. As I see it, such emotions could only be understandable.

(I am not qualified to comment on the necessity of medical examinations, but if they were looking for signs of developing puberty, I can't see why they couldn't have explain what those were to you, so you could report back to them.)

It makes sense that these experiences have left you feeling violated and scared. You can love your mother and feel hurt by the way she has treated you in the past. Don't blame yourself for 'letting' her do anything, or not pushing harder for her to leave you alone--that is an unreasonable expectation to have of yourself. Your mother is an authority figure in your life, and she made the choice to act in coercive ways when you tried to set boundaries.

How do you feel after reading this? How can we best support you?

[onaplasticbeach]

Honestly, it felt both validating and upsetting to read that because part of me really wants to be seen and another part of me wants it to be nothing.

There were a few other things I intended to include in my original post, but at the time my thoughts were feeling very fuzzy and I couldn’t get the memories to surface in a way I could talk about them clearly; all my memories of this are extremely blurry, but I know that before I was a teenager and especially when I was younger, my mom would sometimes forcibly give me suppositories or force me to get enemas. As far as I can gather, these things were at least to some extent medically necessary, but I wonder if these events could have contributed to me overall feeling violated by my mom. The memories aren’t clear at all, but I can recall flashes of memory where I was pretty upset and distressed about having to receive those. I also know that sometime shortly after I started having periods, my mom pressured me to try tampons and had me lay back for her to insert it for me. I remember it hurt very badly to insert, and I told her to stop putting it in, but she didn’t. I feel guilty and ashamed about that and like I “let” it happen, but I don’t think my mom had any sexual intent at any point, which makes me feel guilty about even considering it could be SA.

As for support, I am currently working with a therapist for other issues/trauma (she suspects I may have PTSD/complex PTSD), and I feel like I should bring these things up to her, but I have no clue how. It’s very hard to even write about this, I feel like my brain freezes and goes staticky just thinking about it, and I’ve never ever spoken about this out loud and anyway I don’t feel like I can even get the words out of my mouth. Besides that, I unsure of the weight of these things legally and I am worried disclosing these things to my therapist will mean she has to report my mom because my mom is still taking care of a younger sibling who is a minor. If it were reported, I’m terrified of my mom and family finding out because I know I would be essentially disowned and shamed and I still rely on my mom financially and for health insurance. I guess my dilemma is that I have no clue what to do. If there are any resources or support I could access anonymously, maybe I would feel comfortable reaching out. Otherwise, I kind of feel like I have to keep this a “secret” in a way.

[KierC]

Hey there onaplasticbeach,

I hope it’s ok I’m popping in. I’m so sorry to hear your mom treated you this way. It is not okay. As Latha said, you have the right to privacy and should never be threatened or trapped in somewhere. On top of that, nobody should insert a tampon inside of you without your consent. I can understand how you’d feel violated in those situations, as those situations are violating. Your feelings are real and valid, and I hear you that you’re justifiably upset by this.

I’m glad to hear you have a therapist. This does sound like something that would be important and beneficial in your healing to bring up with them, though I hear your concerns about reporting. In terms of reporting, my initial thought is that since you’re above the age of 18 and do not live at home/the abuse is not currently happening, it shouldn’t be mandatory to report. However, this is something you’ll want to verify with your therapist by asking them about their privacy and reporting policies. However does that sound to you? I wanted to ask as well, do you feel like your sibling is safe at home?

In the meantime, I’ll look to see what resources I can offer where you might be able to access anonymous help.

<3

[onaplasticbeach]

Everything you said about reporting laws sounds right from what I remember my therapist telling me. From my understanding, because I’m an adult, almost everything I disclose is completely private, with the exception of if myself or anyone else is in danger. My hesitation is with that last part. I don’t know if what happened to me would be considered legally significant and I don’t know if it would count as my younger sibling being in a dangerous situation.

I know specific laws can vary based on where you live and I can provide my location in private if this is something you all can help me with at all (it’s okay if not, I understand if it is out of your scope). I may try vaguely asking my therapist more specifics on policies, she is very transparent and understanding so I think she would be able to at least give me an idea. I remember when she first discussed her policies with me she promised I would be fully involved with everything and if anything had to be reported she would fill it out with me. Still, it makes me feel pretty nervous overall to think about disclosing what happened. Like I said, I don’t think I can even get those words out of my mouth.

I do believe my sibling is safe at home. I’ve never see my mom invade his privacy like she did mine, and I know that from a pretty young age he was given privacy and autonomy in a way I wasn’t, which kind of tipped me off to eventually being able to realize something wasn’t right. My younger sibling and I are also pretty close and I’ve told him he can tell me anything and I won’t tell anyone else, and he’s never told me anything of that nature about our mom.

Thank you for the help. Sometimes I really hate my mom and sometimes I love her because, well, she’s my mom, and I feel really conflicted about that. I don’t really know what to feel.

[Heather]

Hey there, onaplasticbeach. I can relate to how confusing and challenging it is to, one, have been treated very differently by a parent than they treated your sibling, and how it can feel to both have anger at your parent about abuse and dysfunction while still having love for them. My own relationship with my mother was different than yours, but I also experienced abuses and other kinds of dysfunction from my mother, so I really get it. I'm sorry we have this in common.

Ultimately, your therapist is going to be the only one who can answer this for you, but I also think that if you're clear with them that you don't have concerns about your sibling still living at home right now, they'll take you at your word.

In terms of the difficulties of verbally disclosing, in those situations, we usually suggest people try starting with a letter or email: how does that feel to you?