i’m so confused

[bayleelynne]

i’m not sure what my sexuality is, i’m leaning towards lesbian but the one thing that is stopping me from being completely sure is my attraction to older men. I’ve been questioning this for years and i’m finally slightly coming to terms with it, but i’m so confused because i fine older celebrity men hot (as weird as it sounds) but no guys my age??

I’ve always been more attracted to women my entire life, but i’m not sure if i can’t even identify as lesbian if i find the older men attractive. i don’t think i could ever see myself being intimate with a man, but i feel like i could with a woman. I keep telling myself i’m just bisexual and that i’m only attracted to older guys which is fine.

All of my friends have asked if im gay at one point and i never know what to tell them because of the tiny problem i’m having. I don’t know if any lesbians have had this experience, or if anyone has, but if anyone has had this experience i would just like some clarity on what i can identify as.

(I know labels aren’t needed but i’d feel more comfortable with one!)

To add on, i’ve dated guys and i haven’t really felt any sort of romantic feelings for them and i feel like they’re more my friend and i felt no desire to kiss them or anything. i haven’t dated any girls but ive gotten pretty close to dating them but just being in the talking stage with them i felt more than i felt for any guy ive dated. And i also find my eyes going towards women more in public and i find myself admiring them more then guys around me.

PLEASE HELP!! i’m so confused and i can’t stop thinking about it:-(.

(also please excuse any grammatical errors im half asleep typing this because i needed to get this off my chest before i go to bed.)

[char]

Hello bayleelynne! Welcome to the boards. No worries about possible grammatical errors, I understand your message just fine

I think using the words "lesbian" or "bisexual" could work in your case--after all, it all goes back to how you define those words yourself as well as how you would describe your attraction to people of all genders. Not finding men your age attractive nor wanting to date them as a bisexual person is completely fine. As a lesbian, it's also okay to have attraction over men from time to time. Some people find it helpful to differentiate between their attractions--romantic, sexual, aesthetic (how someone looks), sensual (whether or not we want to engage in physical contact with this person)--but some people don't. There's no one fixed definition, and no one can be described as a "true lesbian" or a "true bisexual". That kind of mindset can lead to the assumption that invalidate someone's experiences. Do you get what I mean?

I don't think it'd be wise for me, or anyone really, to decide which word you should use for your own experience. You're the person that knows yourself best. I think this article of ours can help you with reflecting on your orientation: The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone. The questions in the "How and When Do You Know?" section are probably the part of the article you want to pay attention to.

[bayleelynne]

Thank you! i’m just not sure what to call myself since i don’t really feel any sort or romantic feelings for guys.

I really appreciate the article! i helped me a bit more!:)

[KierC]

Hey Baylee!

I’m so glad to hear Char’s advice was helpful.

If it helps to know, it’s totally okay to be in the midst of finding out what words you want to use to describe your identity. It sounds like you’re introducing yourself to dating and romance, so it’s totally understandable for you to be still figuring out how you’d like to describe yourself. We actually have an article about this if you’re interested: Q is for Questioning!

How do you feel about this after going through that article?

[bayleelynne]

It helped me a lot, thank you so much! The questions with the bulletin points honestly helped me answer the ones i ask myself and i struggle with. labels are so stressful but i think i’m getting more comfortable with my identity. I’ve read a few more articles within these past few days and they’ve also helped me get some clarity. Also, i apologize for not answering Char’s question up above (the one under the article link) i didn’t see it. I know for sure that i’m definitely more attracted to women at this point in my life and the article helped me a lot with that too .

[KierC]

You’re so welcome! We’re glad to be able to help.

You know, labels can be really stressful! Sexual attraction is so fluid and hard-to-pin-down that oftentimes trying to find a word to “label” yourself just doesn’t feel right at all. That’s part of the reason why we say that it’s not necessary to use any words to describe your identity if you don’t want to or it doesn’t feel good. If you end up finding that certain words feel good to use when describing the attraction you feel, then that’s good! But if you don’t feel ready or don’t feel good about using certain words to describe your identity yet, that’s totally okay. Describing the attraction you feel can take time, and it can also evolve over time as you experience more. Know what I mean?

I think it may also be helpful to separate the idea of labels from your experience of attraction and your identity. While you’re beginning to explore romantic and sexual attraction in your life, it might feel better and help you learn more about how you experience attraction if you gently place aside the need for a label. Instead, it might help to place focus on enjoying the experience of attraction and noticing how it feels without feeling like you have to classify it. How does that idea sound to you?