I really want him to touch me (more), but I want him to ask before—thoughts wanted

[Asking Queries]

Hi everyone,

About two months ago, I met a trans masc person at my community college, who I’ll call Tex. Tex is the same age as me, interesting to talk to, smart, wants to be a doctor (as do I), very funny, and incredibly handsome. We’ve been around each other (talking or otherwise in the same group) for perhaps 5 hours total, which I know isn’t much time to evaluate someone. I feel energized and silly and excited and safe when we’re talking.

Today, he and I were playing a online quiz game in the campus LGBTQ center (a place where queer students can relax, talk, and study). I asked if I could move my chair to be closer to him and see the screen better (I just asked if I could move it), and he enthusiastically agreed. Without talking about it, we ended up with our legs and arms touching. I would very lightly push against him, and then he’d do the same against me. It felt so, so good, like the few times I held hands with the only person I’ve dated (a girl, about a year ago).

At one point, I helped him answer a question correctly, and he suddenly hugged me for a moment. The hug felt good, too, but I would’ve preferred that he asked before doing it. I strongly prefer that people ask before touching me in any way, but the leg and arm touch was ok because I was actively choosing to keep touching him in those ways. I feel safe with him (I get good vibes) and am very intensely crushing on him, so the hug didn’t really bother me, but I would’ve preferred that he asked (and would’ve very happily agreed).

My questions:
1. Does the sort of touching he’s done without asking seem reasonable? (I’m worried that my skill for assessing people is being impaired by my crush on him.)
2. If he and I end up going on a date, how do I explain my boundaries about touch while also making it clear that although I wasn’t explicitly/verbally consenting, I still enjoyed and wanted the touch the previous times he’s touched me; and also (maybe just implying) that I really want more touch, after he asks?

Thanks,
- AQ

[Anya]

Hey there Asking Queries!

These are good questions! It can certainly be difficult to tell if someone is interested in you or if they're just being friendly (I think we've all wondered this from time to time) and how and when to communicate some of the boundaries we have.

On 1., I think it really depends on the situation unfortunately. I wish I could tell you one way or another about if this person is interested in you and is hinting at it or not, but from such an external perspective i'm not sure I can offer much help here. I would say best course of action is to keep spending time together and see how things unfold naturally, but if you are in a class together does that mean it's ending soon? (Might be an easy way to get their phone number though and stay in touch if the class ends).

On 2., I think the way you've put it here is actually quite nice and comprehensive. Making clear you have this physical boundary that is important to you, and it is not related to the thing (e.g. hug) itself, as much as the expectation of receiving the thing (e.g. hug) that changes hoe the situation feels. So when he hugged you, although you would have preferred to know before hand and expect it was going to happen, you enjoyed it regardless, and going forward, hugs should ideally be communicated.

How does that feel to you?