I want to contact him but he is in serious relationship and i don't want to ruin his relationship

[teenageme]

Hello everyone,
This is my first post here.
Please forgive me if i say something different cause English is not my first language.
So this the back story, in August 2022 I was in school and there was a senior of mine lets name him AP who i used to like alot that's why i added him on my Snapchat account and he added me back. We used to talk daily. We used to talk about studies and school stuff till he asked me if I am single or in relationship. I used to send my pictures as snap to everyone and he used to save everything.
In December 2022 i finally told him that i have feelings for him that's when the things started become more difficult to see. He started acting distant. I felt i made mistake and started explaining myself. And cause my important exam was in March 2023 i told him that i will be deleting snapchat and won't be online till my exams are over. He said ok and said if you are logging out then I will also log out.
But after me logging out my school friends started saying log in again cause they wanted me to keep up our snapstreak. So i logged in again. And one day i saw that i got a snap from his account with a girl from our school. I msged him who is she pretending i don't know her , he didn't reply. Now in March 2023 my exams were over and after my exams he messaged me on snapchat. We talked, he gave me his Instagram account and said that I can follow him but he won't follow me back. I said ok. Now after my important exam i had to choose a institute and i chose where there is no access to phones. When i was staying there i realised that i am FTM and i cancelled my addmission from there and chose different institute near APs institute. I msged AP that i have chose this institute he asked to take addmission in his institute but the reputation of his institute was not that good so my parents said no. But I didn't tell AP that i am FTM cause i wasn't sure that what i exactly felt.
After a while we somehow lost the touch and i started focusing into studies but then i met a girl ( yes i am bisexual) and we got into relationship she supported me throughout my transition but we had so many issues, so after 3 years of dating we broke up. When we started dating she said to msg AP that i used him and I didn't want to lose her so i did. I don't even know if AP had seen those msgs cause i deactivated my account immediately.In those 3 years i tried contacting AP multiple times by fake accounts of my deadname cause I didn't got time to tell my part of story. And not even single time he replied. Now through a friend i got to know that he is in relationship.
I know it was wrong contacting him even when i was in relationship but my feelings never went away. And now that i just want to explain my side of the story he is not even replying.
I don't want relationship not even a situation ship cause i am already traumatized due to relationship with my ex gf.
What are your thoughts on this? Please guide me.
I want to get over him
I tried for 3 whole years, 2 whole years without contacting and thinking about him, but he still keeps coming in my dreams even though i don't think about him.
Your advice will be gold for me.
I even tried thinking that he don't even care about me but my heart is not accepting it.

[Heather]

Hi there, teenageme. I'm sorry that this has been so hard for you.

My read of this situation, when I go through your whole thread, is that I can't say how much or how little he cared about you, but I do think it was pretty clear he wasn't interested in you outside conversations on social media about very not-intimate stuff. In other words, this sounds to me like it was an acquaintance who you developed feelings for and didn't share them back, but for whatever reason, you kept holding on emotionally. I don't see anything here that suggests you used him, like your ex said. In fact, I don't see any relationship between you at all besides what sound like some pretty minor and surface-level interactions. I also don't see there being anything wrong with you contacting him at any point, though I do think if you have kept messaging when he hasn't replied, at this point, you've been choosing to ignore the pretty clear sign he doesn't want to interact with you by ignoring his nonresponse, you know?

I suspect what happened here is that you got very attached to the idea of this person -- that's what crushes are, feelings about our projected ideal of someone, not the reality of that person or our relationship or interactions with them. I think that maybe the reason you're having such a hard time letting go is that you're not acknowledging, to yourself, that there wasn't ever anything big between you, and likely wasn't ever going to be, there was just this crush.

I don't even think there is a "your side of the story," because I don't think you did anything wrong here, you just got a hard crush on someone who doesn't share those feelings and isn't interested in interacting with you. I know that can really hurt, even with someone where there wasn't anything big or particularly meaningful, but it will happen often in life that we have feelings someone else doesn't, or we want a kind of relationship with someone they aren't interested in having. It's just one of those tricky parts of life we all have to get used to and accept.

I do think it's past time to just leave this guy alone. And I suspect that when you do, and when you do remind yourself he has made it very clear -- by nonresponse, yes, but some people don't want or feel able to be more direct, unfortunately -- over the years that he isn't interested in you, this will start to change for you in time, and it will become a lot easier to move on from. You just have to make yourself let go, starting with no longer trying to get in touch with him, and doing what you can to earnestly accept that all this was was an unrequited crush. I think a lot of your attachment to this comes from imagining it to have been or have had the possibility to be something much, much more than it was. <3