Hi, I'm coming back here cause I don't really have anyone to talk about this stuff. I'm mostly a private person, and it's almost like time is never right to express my feelings.
I'm very attached to my family, I love them a lot, despite disagreeing on many things with them. I know they'll never support me if I'm truly honest about my identity. But at the same time, it kills me not to be able to be myself. I pretty much accepted that I was never going to be the "daughter" they expected me to be. And I'm just so scared. Because living how I want to would mean leaving everyone behind. Or I could live in the closet forever and stay on good terms with them. But then again, that's not what I want for myself..
I wish I could offer to my mother the person she wished I became. All I do is disappoint her a bit more everyday. I just feel so guilty when we argue about some stupid topics like the way I act/dress. Because I could easily stop that and stop hurting her. She deserves happiness but I do too.
I'm only out to my irl friends about being queer and liking girls, but I've never told anyone expect a few friends online that I also feel disconnected to being a girl. So being misgendered everyday, having to play a role that isn't me is so exhausting. I hate talking about this stuff because I can never explain it right. I try sometimes to fit expectations, and I try to forget about all of this. But it just never goes away. And I feel guilty because there are so many more important things I should focus on, but I can't.
It just feels like I'm walking on a path that goes on and on without ever reaching a destination. When I think I can manage it and repress it, there's always something to remind me how much I hate who I am when I'm faking things.
I don't really know what I'm looking for, sorry if this is all over the place.
How to deal with the guilt of being queer
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Please remember that neither staff, volunteers nor your fellow users can provide or replace mental healthcare when that is something you need. Users struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, abuse or physical health issues are strongly encouraged to seek out qualified, in-person help with those issues in addition to peer or staff support.
We ask that users looking for general, ongoing emotional support post in this area of the boards, and that you use this space to both ask for, give and receive that support primarily from each other, rather than from our staff and volunteers. As a staff, we simply are often too overextended with all we need to do in running the organization and its services to do that for extended periods of time, and one of our main aims of our community at the boards has always been to facilitate peers to better be there for each other.
Users often report that they have no in-person peers they can talk to or seek support from: we want this to be a space for online peer support and somewhere everyone can get some practice asking for, getting and giving support so that doing it with people in your lives feels more doable.
Please remember that neither staff, volunteers nor your fellow users can provide or replace mental healthcare when that is something you need. Users struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, abuse or physical health issues are strongly encouraged to seek out qualified, in-person help with those issues in addition to peer or staff support.
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
- Posts: 10948
- Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:43 pm
- Age: 56
- Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for nearly 30 years!
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: they/them
- Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
- Location: Chicago
Re: How to deal with the guilt of being queer
Hi again, azure. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
You know, conflict over how young people present themselves is so, so common in families, whether that's about gender, style, sex, or something else. I hope you know that this isn't just something happening to you and, most importantly, this isn't about you doing something wrong. Ideally, parents shouldn't want their kids to be anyone but who they are, including projecting their own preconceived notions of who their kids should or shouldn't be (or how they should or shouldn't look, what gender they should or shouldn't inhabit, etc). Unfortunately, it's something a lot of parents do anyway, including parents who really should know better because they didn't like it when it was done to them by their parents! You being yourself isn't "hurting" your mother. If she's acting like it is, we should talk about that, but I want to make sure most of all that you know that you being yourself isn't something you should reconsider because you've gotten the idea it does harm to your parent.
It really sucks that you feel like if you're the person you feel like and want to be that your family won't accept you. Can you say more about what messages you have been getting that if you come out, essentially, they'll reject you or refuse to have a relationship with you?
You know, conflict over how young people present themselves is so, so common in families, whether that's about gender, style, sex, or something else. I hope you know that this isn't just something happening to you and, most importantly, this isn't about you doing something wrong. Ideally, parents shouldn't want their kids to be anyone but who they are, including projecting their own preconceived notions of who their kids should or shouldn't be (or how they should or shouldn't look, what gender they should or shouldn't inhabit, etc). Unfortunately, it's something a lot of parents do anyway, including parents who really should know better because they didn't like it when it was done to them by their parents! You being yourself isn't "hurting" your mother. If she's acting like it is, we should talk about that, but I want to make sure most of all that you know that you being yourself isn't something you should reconsider because you've gotten the idea it does harm to your parent.
It really sucks that you feel like if you're the person you feel like and want to be that your family won't accept you. Can you say more about what messages you have been getting that if you come out, essentially, they'll reject you or refuse to have a relationship with you?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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azure
- not a newbie
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Mon Apr 06, 2026 4:30 pm
- Age: 17
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: He/They
- Sexual identity: Queer
- Location: Europe
Re: How to deal with the guilt of being queer
Hello Heather! Thank you so much for reassuring me about the first half. It feels great to hear this from someone. I guess part of me knows that being myself is only natural, but it's hard to let go.
I'm sure they won't accept me because they don't hide their homophobia. My entire family is really religious, and heavy on tradition so I have to play along. It's really everyone, except a cousin of mine. He's almost my age, so maybe not as conservative? He's the closest to me but I never dared ask his opinion on queer people. Plus I don't really know how I could bring that subject up. He's no snitch, but we never know.
I don't think they'd actually throw me out or anything of the sort. I do know they'd try to "cure" me or something like that. I don't mean to offend anyone by that, but I don't consider myself that much of a religious person. But to them, somehow, it should be the answer to all of my problems. My mother expressed that before when I was really sad. And it's great that they have something to believe in, but it really doesn't help me at all. My parents blame it either on my lack of faith and the fact that I don't pray, or on my phone. But ironically that's where I find people who support me more than they do.
That's mostly why I think it would strain my relationships if I choose to completely ignore traditions. I guess I fear being alone if I actually go through with it.
I'm sure they won't accept me because they don't hide their homophobia. My entire family is really religious, and heavy on tradition so I have to play along. It's really everyone, except a cousin of mine. He's almost my age, so maybe not as conservative? He's the closest to me but I never dared ask his opinion on queer people. Plus I don't really know how I could bring that subject up. He's no snitch, but we never know.
I don't think they'd actually throw me out or anything of the sort. I do know they'd try to "cure" me or something like that. I don't mean to offend anyone by that, but I don't consider myself that much of a religious person. But to them, somehow, it should be the answer to all of my problems. My mother expressed that before when I was really sad. And it's great that they have something to believe in, but it really doesn't help me at all. My parents blame it either on my lack of faith and the fact that I don't pray, or on my phone. But ironically that's where I find people who support me more than they do.
That's mostly why I think it would strain my relationships if I choose to completely ignore traditions. I guess I fear being alone if I actually go through with it.
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
- Posts: 10948
- Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:43 pm
- Age: 56
- Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for nearly 30 years!
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: they/them
- Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
- Location: Chicago
Re: How to deal with the guilt of being queer
Thanks for filling me in more. My mother's side of the family was like that, and when I was young, my queerness -- I've always been one of those people who is just epically bad at hiding anything, so I just rarely bothered trying -- absolutely was something that resulted in poor treatment of me, so I understand how this can feel very personally. I left home and that side of the family at 15, in part to avoid being sent to the 1980s versions of camps to "cure" teens of queerness, of sadness, of anything but conformity, so I also understand that fear very well. I'm so sorry that you're living with it.
I'm also so sorry that your parents are so misinformed about all of this. Apparently they aren't aware that there are queer and trans people who are themselves very religious and pray all the time and yet, are still queer, trans or both. It sounds liek they're also sadly unfamiliar with the fact that there are some denominations and churches that not only welcome queer and trans people, but are even led by them.
I will say this: at least some of this may be temporary. I know it's cold comfort to hear the kind of timeline I'm about the share with you about my own experience, but inside a couple of decades after I left home, both my mother and most of her family had really changed their tune on all of this, and approached me very differently than they did in my teen years. I brought a girlfriend to a family wedding in my early 30s and to the best of my knowledge, no one even batted an eye. I very, very much hope your own family evolves like some of mine did. Chances are that they will, it's just hard to say who amoung them will and to what degree.
It does sound like for right now, it's sadly probably safest for you to still be pretty underground. having to choose between feeling like yourself and being sent away to an abusive institution of some kind is a hideous choice for anyone to have to make, but it does sound like you might have to make it for now.
How do you feel about potentially having to do that for at least another year, until you can potentially get independent from your family? And how do you feel about, if and when you really do put yourself all the way out there, risking the possible loss or long pause of some of your family relationships? Or maybe even needing to go no contact at some point for your safety and wel-being?
I'm also so sorry that your parents are so misinformed about all of this. Apparently they aren't aware that there are queer and trans people who are themselves very religious and pray all the time and yet, are still queer, trans or both. It sounds liek they're also sadly unfamiliar with the fact that there are some denominations and churches that not only welcome queer and trans people, but are even led by them.
I will say this: at least some of this may be temporary. I know it's cold comfort to hear the kind of timeline I'm about the share with you about my own experience, but inside a couple of decades after I left home, both my mother and most of her family had really changed their tune on all of this, and approached me very differently than they did in my teen years. I brought a girlfriend to a family wedding in my early 30s and to the best of my knowledge, no one even batted an eye. I very, very much hope your own family evolves like some of mine did. Chances are that they will, it's just hard to say who amoung them will and to what degree.
It does sound like for right now, it's sadly probably safest for you to still be pretty underground. having to choose between feeling like yourself and being sent away to an abusive institution of some kind is a hideous choice for anyone to have to make, but it does sound like you might have to make it for now.
How do you feel about potentially having to do that for at least another year, until you can potentially get independent from your family? And how do you feel about, if and when you really do put yourself all the way out there, risking the possible loss or long pause of some of your family relationships? Or maybe even needing to go no contact at some point for your safety and wel-being?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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