Hi, I'm coming back here cause I don't really have anyone to talk about this stuff. I'm mostly a private person, and it's almost like time is never right to express my feelings.
I'm very attached to my family, I love them a lot, despite disagreeing on many things with them. I know they'll never support me if I'm truly honest about my identity. But at the same time, it kills me not to be able to be myself. I pretty much accepted that I was never going to be the "daughter" they expected me to be. And I'm just so scared. Because living how I want to would mean leaving everyone behind. Or I could live in the closet forever and stay on good terms with them. But then again, that's not what I want for myself..
I wish I could offer to my mother the person she wished I became. All I do is disappoint her a bit more everyday. I just feel so guilty when we argue about some stupid topics like the way I act/dress. Because I could easily stop that and stop hurting her. She deserves happiness but I do too.
I'm only out to my irl friends about being queer and liking girls, but I've never told anyone expect a few friends online that I also feel disconnected to being a girl. So being misgendered everyday, having to play a role that isn't me is so exhausting. I hate talking about this stuff because I can never explain it right. I try sometimes to fit expectations, and I try to forget about all of this. But it just never goes away. And I feel guilty because there are so many more important things I should focus on, but I can't.
It just feels like I'm walking on a path that goes on and on without ever reaching a destination. When I think I can manage it and repress it, there's always something to remind me how much I hate who I am when I'm faking things.
I don't really know what I'm looking for, sorry if this is all over the place.
How to deal with the guilt of being queer
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We ask that users looking for general, ongoing emotional support post in this area of the boards, and that you use this space to both ask for, give and receive that support primarily from each other, rather than from our staff and volunteers. As a staff, we simply are often too overextended with all we need to do in running the organization and its services to do that for extended periods of time, and one of our main aims of our community at the boards has always been to facilitate peers to better be there for each other.
Users often report that they have no in-person peers they can talk to or seek support from: we want this to be a space for online peer support and somewhere everyone can get some practice asking for, getting and giving support so that doing it with people in your lives feels more doable.
Please remember that neither staff, volunteers nor your fellow users can provide or replace mental healthcare when that is something you need. Users struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, abuse or physical health issues are strongly encouraged to seek out qualified, in-person help with those issues in addition to peer or staff support.
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
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Re: How to deal with the guilt of being queer
Hi again, azure. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
You know, conflict over how young people present themselves is so, so common in families, whether that's about gender, style, sex, or something else. I hope you know that this isn't just something happening to you and, most importantly, this isn't about you doing something wrong. Ideally, parents shouldn't want their kids to be anyone but who they are, including projecting their own preconceived notions of who their kids should or shouldn't be (or how they should or shouldn't look, what gender they should or shouldn't inhabit, etc). Unfortunately, it's something a lot of parents do anyway, including parents who really should know better because they didn't like it when it was done to them by their parents! You being yourself isn't "hurting" your mother. If she's acting like it is, we should talk about that, but I want to make sure most of all that you know that you being yourself isn't something you should reconsider because you've gotten the idea it does harm to your parent.
It really sucks that you feel like if you're the person you feel like and want to be that your family won't accept you. Can you say more about what messages you have been getting that if you come out, essentially, they'll reject you or refuse to have a relationship with you?
You know, conflict over how young people present themselves is so, so common in families, whether that's about gender, style, sex, or something else. I hope you know that this isn't just something happening to you and, most importantly, this isn't about you doing something wrong. Ideally, parents shouldn't want their kids to be anyone but who they are, including projecting their own preconceived notions of who their kids should or shouldn't be (or how they should or shouldn't look, what gender they should or shouldn't inhabit, etc). Unfortunately, it's something a lot of parents do anyway, including parents who really should know better because they didn't like it when it was done to them by their parents! You being yourself isn't "hurting" your mother. If she's acting like it is, we should talk about that, but I want to make sure most of all that you know that you being yourself isn't something you should reconsider because you've gotten the idea it does harm to your parent.
It really sucks that you feel like if you're the person you feel like and want to be that your family won't accept you. Can you say more about what messages you have been getting that if you come out, essentially, they'll reject you or refuse to have a relationship with you?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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azure
- not a newbie
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Mon Apr 06, 2026 4:30 pm
- Age: 17
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: He/They
- Sexual identity: Queer
- Location: Europe
Re: How to deal with the guilt of being queer
Hello Heather! Thank you so much for reassuring me about the first half. It feels great to hear this from someone. I guess part of me knows that being myself is only natural, but it's hard to let go.
I'm sure they won't accept me because they don't hide their homophobia. My entire family is really religious, and heavy on tradition so I have to play along. It's really everyone, except a cousin of mine. He's almost my age, so maybe not as conservative? He's the closest to me but I never dared ask his opinion on queer people. Plus I don't really know how I could bring that subject up. He's no snitch, but we never know.
I don't think they'd actually throw me out or anything of the sort. I do know they'd try to "cure" me or something like that. I don't mean to offend anyone by that, but I don't consider myself that much of a religious person. But to them, somehow, it should be the answer to all of my problems. My mother expressed that before when I was really sad. And it's great that they have something to believe in, but it really doesn't help me at all. My parents blame it either on my lack of faith and the fact that I don't pray, or on my phone. But ironically that's where I find people who support me more than they do.
That's mostly why I think it would strain my relationships if I choose to completely ignore traditions. I guess I fear being alone if I actually go through with it.
I'm sure they won't accept me because they don't hide their homophobia. My entire family is really religious, and heavy on tradition so I have to play along. It's really everyone, except a cousin of mine. He's almost my age, so maybe not as conservative? He's the closest to me but I never dared ask his opinion on queer people. Plus I don't really know how I could bring that subject up. He's no snitch, but we never know.
I don't think they'd actually throw me out or anything of the sort. I do know they'd try to "cure" me or something like that. I don't mean to offend anyone by that, but I don't consider myself that much of a religious person. But to them, somehow, it should be the answer to all of my problems. My mother expressed that before when I was really sad. And it's great that they have something to believe in, but it really doesn't help me at all. My parents blame it either on my lack of faith and the fact that I don't pray, or on my phone. But ironically that's where I find people who support me more than they do.
That's mostly why I think it would strain my relationships if I choose to completely ignore traditions. I guess I fear being alone if I actually go through with it.
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
- Posts: 10949
- Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:43 pm
- Age: 56
- Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for nearly 30 years!
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: they/them
- Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
- Location: Chicago
Re: How to deal with the guilt of being queer
Thanks for filling me in more. My mother's side of the family was like that, and when I was young, my queerness -- I've always been one of those people who is just epically bad at hiding anything, so I just rarely bothered trying -- absolutely was something that resulted in poor treatment of me, so I understand how this can feel very personally. I left home and that side of the family at 15, in part to avoid being sent to the 1980s versions of camps to "cure" teens of queerness, of sadness, of anything but conformity, so I also understand that fear very well. I'm so sorry that you're living with it.
I'm also so sorry that your parents are so misinformed about all of this. Apparently they aren't aware that there are queer and trans people who are themselves very religious and pray all the time and yet, are still queer, trans or both. It sounds liek they're also sadly unfamiliar with the fact that there are some denominations and churches that not only welcome queer and trans people, but are even led by them.
I will say this: at least some of this may be temporary. I know it's cold comfort to hear the kind of timeline I'm about the share with you about my own experience, but inside a couple of decades after I left home, both my mother and most of her family had really changed their tune on all of this, and approached me very differently than they did in my teen years. I brought a girlfriend to a family wedding in my early 30s and to the best of my knowledge, no one even batted an eye. I very, very much hope your own family evolves like some of mine did. Chances are that they will, it's just hard to say who amoung them will and to what degree.
It does sound like for right now, it's sadly probably safest for you to still be pretty underground. having to choose between feeling like yourself and being sent away to an abusive institution of some kind is a hideous choice for anyone to have to make, but it does sound like you might have to make it for now.
How do you feel about potentially having to do that for at least another year, until you can potentially get independent from your family? And how do you feel about, if and when you really do put yourself all the way out there, risking the possible loss or long pause of some of your family relationships? Or maybe even needing to go no contact at some point for your safety and wel-being?
I'm also so sorry that your parents are so misinformed about all of this. Apparently they aren't aware that there are queer and trans people who are themselves very religious and pray all the time and yet, are still queer, trans or both. It sounds liek they're also sadly unfamiliar with the fact that there are some denominations and churches that not only welcome queer and trans people, but are even led by them.
I will say this: at least some of this may be temporary. I know it's cold comfort to hear the kind of timeline I'm about the share with you about my own experience, but inside a couple of decades after I left home, both my mother and most of her family had really changed their tune on all of this, and approached me very differently than they did in my teen years. I brought a girlfriend to a family wedding in my early 30s and to the best of my knowledge, no one even batted an eye. I very, very much hope your own family evolves like some of mine did. Chances are that they will, it's just hard to say who amoung them will and to what degree.
It does sound like for right now, it's sadly probably safest for you to still be pretty underground. having to choose between feeling like yourself and being sent away to an abusive institution of some kind is a hideous choice for anyone to have to make, but it does sound like you might have to make it for now.
How do you feel about potentially having to do that for at least another year, until you can potentially get independent from your family? And how do you feel about, if and when you really do put yourself all the way out there, risking the possible loss or long pause of some of your family relationships? Or maybe even needing to go no contact at some point for your safety and wel-being?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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azure
- not a newbie
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Mon Apr 06, 2026 4:30 pm
- Age: 17
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: He/They
- Sexual identity: Queer
- Location: Europe
Re: How to deal with the guilt of being queer
Thank you for sharing your own experience. I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through that, but I'm glad part of it is better now!
I agree with you, they're really misinformed on a lot of stuff. Sometimes I try to debate a bit with them about it, but they really fixate on the idea that "queer = bad". Even when I try to ignore it, their comments grow a little bolder as I get older you know.
I'm really hoping this discomfort will go away as you said. I have no idea if they'll change their mind one day or not. Hopefully yes. I guess if they don't I shouldn't dwell on it, but it still hurts. I know it's bad but sometimes I get so jealous of people who actually get to be who they are without ever worrying about their family leaving them. I don't have much friends, and I have a hard time making them, despite everything they're still the people I've been surrounded with since the beginning.
I partially made my peace with not telling them anything as long as I have to stay. My uni is close to my house, so for now my mom insists I stay. I'd prefer to move out if I'm being honest, but I don't have a choice since I'm still a minor for now. I'm turning 18 this october, but it won't change a thing since she's very insistent of me staying. She kind of use herself as an example, that she stayed with her parents until she was 25 and that I should do the same, ect ect.
I definitely won't stay until 25, but I guess she does still need me for my younger siblings sometimes. I'm sorry for talking a lot, it's just a tricky situation that's complicated to explain. They're kinda strict.
When I do move out, I guess putting some distance with my parents would be the best. The downside is that it makes me feel like I failed as their child and I feel like they'd take it as me not being grateful for everything they did. But I am grateful, it's just a shame I can't be both their child while also not lying about myself. I'd like to see my siblings grow up, but it's getting harder to imagine a future where I stay quiet about who I am.
I agree with you, they're really misinformed on a lot of stuff. Sometimes I try to debate a bit with them about it, but they really fixate on the idea that "queer = bad". Even when I try to ignore it, their comments grow a little bolder as I get older you know.
I'm really hoping this discomfort will go away as you said. I have no idea if they'll change their mind one day or not. Hopefully yes. I guess if they don't I shouldn't dwell on it, but it still hurts. I know it's bad but sometimes I get so jealous of people who actually get to be who they are without ever worrying about their family leaving them. I don't have much friends, and I have a hard time making them, despite everything they're still the people I've been surrounded with since the beginning.
I partially made my peace with not telling them anything as long as I have to stay. My uni is close to my house, so for now my mom insists I stay. I'd prefer to move out if I'm being honest, but I don't have a choice since I'm still a minor for now. I'm turning 18 this october, but it won't change a thing since she's very insistent of me staying. She kind of use herself as an example, that she stayed with her parents until she was 25 and that I should do the same, ect ect.
I definitely won't stay until 25, but I guess she does still need me for my younger siblings sometimes. I'm sorry for talking a lot, it's just a tricky situation that's complicated to explain. They're kinda strict.
When I do move out, I guess putting some distance with my parents would be the best. The downside is that it makes me feel like I failed as their child and I feel like they'd take it as me not being grateful for everything they did. But I am grateful, it's just a shame I can't be both their child while also not lying about myself. I'd like to see my siblings grow up, but it's getting harder to imagine a future where I stay quiet about who I am.
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
- Posts: 10949
- Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 1:43 pm
- Age: 56
- Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for nearly 30 years!
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: they/them
- Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
- Location: Chicago
Re: How to deal with the guilt of being queer
You can talk as much here as you like, and this doesn't feel like a lot to me.
I don't think it's bad at all for you to have the feelings you do about people whose families accept them and don't have to worry about what you do. I think that's totally understandable, and I also know that your feelings don't do those people or anyone else any harm. They're feelings, not actions. <3 And of course this hurts. Whatever our family system, be it the one of origin, or the families we make for ourselves, we all want acceptance and unconditional love in them, and we all should have that. It's very painful when we don't.
You will have the right to move out when you're 18 if you want, and when that time comes around, if you feel like that's something you want to look into or to try to plan for, I'm happy to brainstorm with you. Your mother doesn't get to decide if you stay or go: that will be up to you, and she will need to do what parents need to when their children are adults, which is accept that she doesn't get to make those kinds of choices for you any more or insist on you doing anything. If she needs to make adjustments for caring for her other children, then those are hers to make, not something you need to feel is your responsibility. It's your mother who decided to have the children she did, after all, not you. And if she wants your help, it's also on her to *ask* you for it, and then you get to decide if you want to provide what she's asking for or not. I would add that if and when that is something that happens, you also will get to say on what terms you give that help, you know?
Per your last paragraph, I want to make sure you know that you can't control anyone else's feelings. Your parents are going to feel however they feel about anything, including this, and they own those feelings, not you. It's also on them to manage those feelings, not you. I think if the things you're saying you worry they will think are what they think, then that'll be a real pity, since that way of thinking isn't loving at all, but you can't control that, either.
You can't fail at being their child, by the way. You're their child no matter what, that's already done. I am also certain, from the sounds of things, that you have not been a bad child or a wrong child or anything like that: it's your parents here with the misconceptions and ignorance doing harm, not you, azure. None of us have been bad or wrong because we're queer or trans. It's the ideas about us that are wrong or failed, not us. But since moving out sounds like it's a ways away no matter what, how about you set aside those worries for right now, and instead focus on what you can do and need to care for yourself as best you can in the conditions you have to at least live with for another year?
I don't think it's bad at all for you to have the feelings you do about people whose families accept them and don't have to worry about what you do. I think that's totally understandable, and I also know that your feelings don't do those people or anyone else any harm. They're feelings, not actions. <3 And of course this hurts. Whatever our family system, be it the one of origin, or the families we make for ourselves, we all want acceptance and unconditional love in them, and we all should have that. It's very painful when we don't.
You will have the right to move out when you're 18 if you want, and when that time comes around, if you feel like that's something you want to look into or to try to plan for, I'm happy to brainstorm with you. Your mother doesn't get to decide if you stay or go: that will be up to you, and she will need to do what parents need to when their children are adults, which is accept that she doesn't get to make those kinds of choices for you any more or insist on you doing anything. If she needs to make adjustments for caring for her other children, then those are hers to make, not something you need to feel is your responsibility. It's your mother who decided to have the children she did, after all, not you. And if she wants your help, it's also on her to *ask* you for it, and then you get to decide if you want to provide what she's asking for or not. I would add that if and when that is something that happens, you also will get to say on what terms you give that help, you know?
Per your last paragraph, I want to make sure you know that you can't control anyone else's feelings. Your parents are going to feel however they feel about anything, including this, and they own those feelings, not you. It's also on them to manage those feelings, not you. I think if the things you're saying you worry they will think are what they think, then that'll be a real pity, since that way of thinking isn't loving at all, but you can't control that, either.
You can't fail at being their child, by the way. You're their child no matter what, that's already done. I am also certain, from the sounds of things, that you have not been a bad child or a wrong child or anything like that: it's your parents here with the misconceptions and ignorance doing harm, not you, azure. None of us have been bad or wrong because we're queer or trans. It's the ideas about us that are wrong or failed, not us. But since moving out sounds like it's a ways away no matter what, how about you set aside those worries for right now, and instead focus on what you can do and need to care for yourself as best you can in the conditions you have to at least live with for another year?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
-
azure
- not a newbie
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Mon Apr 06, 2026 4:30 pm
- Age: 17
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: He/They
- Sexual identity: Queer
- Location: Europe
Re: How to deal with the guilt of being queer
Once again, I'm really grateful for your reassurance. Reading this actually made me shed a few tears (in a good way, I promise <3)
I guess my parents, and more especially my mother, are having a hard time gauging that I'm growing up in different times than they did, and that I'm also capable as an independent adult.
I've kept this bottled up for a while, I'm just realizing now how freeing it is to put some of these thoughts into words. I honestly think being queer or trans is beautiful, and it's just this guilt that's keeping me from actually expressing it.
I'm gonna try to do what you said, and focus on myself instead of those worries.
I guess my parents, and more especially my mother, are having a hard time gauging that I'm growing up in different times than they did, and that I'm also capable as an independent adult.
I've kept this bottled up for a while, I'm just realizing now how freeing it is to put some of these thoughts into words. I honestly think being queer or trans is beautiful, and it's just this guilt that's keeping me from actually expressing it.
I'm gonna try to do what you said, and focus on myself instead of those worries.
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