Problem with Masturbation

[vanillasparkle]

Hii, hellooo!

So, to say this in the easiest way possible.. I don't really feel anything when I masturbate, although when I do clit stimulation after a while i start to tense up and shake which does give me somewhat pleasure. But my main question is: Am I coming and how do I know if I am? I've searched the internet and heard that it's also possible that when coming that nothing really "comes out". Plus, I don't really feel any need to moan or make noise which, I've heard is also normal, but is it really? I just want to know how to masturbate properly, I've read how to, watched videos, asked people I trust, rubbed against my pillow and even tried a vibrator and with my shower head but somehow I feel nothing.
I just really need help understanding this problem of mine. I've read tons of things and nothing has helped..

Thanks to anyone who can help xx

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, vaniallasparkle.

When you say you don't really feel anything, do you mean that what you feel doesn't meet your expectations of what you expected to feel? Or that it all just feels more meh or mid than you'd hoped? I ask because actually feeling nothing -- like, you touch yourself and wouldn't even know you are -- would be very unusual and point towards something like a neurological problem.

People with vulvas and vaginas don't ejaculate like people with penises do. Many can, but it's not generally something that happens all the time or without doing pretty specific things to make that happen, generally involving some kind of internal stimulation, not just stimulation of the external clitoris. So, that nothing came out of your body doesn't tell us anything about if you're experiencing orgasm or not. Whether or not people make noise also doesn't tell us much, especially since it's particularly common for people to be pretty quiet when they masturbate.

I am hearing you say that when you engage the external portions of your clitoris, you do feel things, and that continuing to do that increases the pleasure you feel and eventually results in muscle contractions that feel good. That sounds like a sexual response cycle ending in orgasm to me. If those orgasms don't feel particularly mid-blowing, there are probably a few reasons for that. One is that it's pretty common, when we first start learning to orgasm, for orgasms to be milder than they will be later on down the road once we've been exploring sexual pleasure for at least a few years (and sometimes longer than that). How sexually aroused we are also has a big influence on the intensity of how any kind of sex, including masturbation, feels and the intensity of orgasm: so, if you're coming to all of this feeling kind of blah instead of feeling really excited, that will also be in play.

If you also have expectations of ex/masturbation that aren't realistic, that is another issue. Again, I hear you saying you feel nothing in the same post where you're clearly describing feeling things -- that attitude alone, believe it or not, is probably also impacting how things feel. If we come to any kind of sex expecting to be disappointed, that can be self-fulfilling. IOW, if we start that way, our body will tend to act disappointed and mid, if you get what I mean.

There's no such thing as the proper or right way to masturbate: we're all so diverse, as are our sexualities and bodies, so what feels good for one person may not for the next, and even what feels good for one person may not for that same person a few years or even a few days from then.

How does all of that land with you?

[vanillasparkle]

Hello Heather!

I must deeply apologise for answering this late, I didn't see at all that you have answered..

As to what I feel, it's like touching my arm or any body part. I've always heard that masturbation feels very/extremely pleasurable and it's like touching a place that makes you feel things you've never felt. But when I do it, as I said, its like i feel nothing crazy, though I suppose maybe it isn't like what the women I know have explained.

I have seen that theres a neurological explanation that kinda seems similar to my problem, but from what I have figured out is that if I do clit stimulation long enough I feel pleasure but not extreme. What im meaning to say is, is that while im doing clit stimulation, I feel just the same as I would while making circles on my arm but because I know I will get those muscle contractions that feel good I continue until I get them.

Also a question regarding this (↑) that I've realised lately is that after these muscle contractions I feel immediately turned off. I could be in the mood for a while and while I do clit stimulation and it ends with muscle contractions I just don't wanna do anything and just go do something else. So I wanted to ask is that something I should be concerned about.

As for everything else you've said, I can totally agree that expecting it to be meh, will make it meh so I'll try to prevent that. And to be sure, what you meant is that if someone is new to self pleasure and orgasms that means they can be more mild in the beginning, right?

Other than that, this was very helpful and im glad some of my concerns aren't anything dramatic. I'm very thankful you took the time to answer and I hope this message isn't too long!! xx

[mikky]

Hi there, I hope it’s ok to chime in!
There’s no pressure here to respond in a certain window of time, and your posts can be as long as you’d like.

I think that there is this idea that gets spread around that the clitoris is a magic pleasure button. I don’t want to say that it isn’t like that at all for anybody, because it is a very nerve ending-rich body part. But the same goes for our fingertips and tongues. It isn't something that just gets pressed and then your brain explodes with crazy mindblowing pleasure. Touching, rubbing, stimulating the clitoris alone might feel really awesome to some people, but underwhelming to others, and arousal is going to play a huge part in that. I don’t think there’s any neurological concern here, although it is interesting to learn about how the central nervous system is involved in sexual response (more here: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body). You are experiencing sensation, and even response to touch, rather than numbness (which would be a concern).

I don’t think that feeling turned off after having muscle contractions is worrying at all, either. In fact, it sounds like you’re experiencing some pleasure and then resolution to that, or satisfaction that means you can move on to other activities.

Yes, often when folks are new to masturbation or to having orgasms, those orgasms or whatever responses they get can be milder. A big part of this is the learning that comes from time spent understanding our bodies and what feels good and pleasurable to us. Like Heather has said, this doesn’t look the same for everyone, or even for our whole lives.