Having some feelings.

[ratherslowseal]

I really love sex with my boyfriend, but I have been having some difficulties related to it, specifically to my own pleasure.

The first (and more solvable one) is that, so far, I have not been able to experience any kind of pleasure from genital stimulation during sex. I am pretty knowledgeable of my own needs and what that progression looks like for me during masturbation, and I've communicated that to my boyfriend as well, yet for some reason pretty much every time he's touched my genitals (both externally and internally), I just do not feel that much. At best, I end up trying to feel good, but I'm not actually already there, I just want to be there. At worst, my genitals (at least my external genitals) being stimulated just feels Bad and I ask him to stop. Sometimes I have touched myself during sex as well, and it really wasn't that much better.

Recently, we have more frequently forgone the step of him stimulating me with his hand, and have just opted for vaginal penetration, which doesn't feel bad, just not amazing. I do enjoy the more mental/psychological (?) facets of being penetrated that have less to do with physical pleasure, and penetration can feel really good for me, but that is almost always dependent on 1) me being very aroused and 2) my external and then internal genitals being stimulated in a specific way, which we have tried but hasn't yielded much for me during partnered sex, for a mysterious reason.

So, even though I love the intimacy and the connection, and that I get to make my boyfriend, who I am insanely attracted to, feel good, sex has also become a little underwhelming for me. Not really during (I'm more preoccupied with other things), but after. I'm always left wanting more. Like, in the sexual response cycle, I basically just experience desire (and very intensely), but nothing further. Not even close. It usually goes like: we make out, he fucks me (or I give him oral), he finishes, and then we cuddle and I'm still terribly turned on. We have talked about it and he told me he'd absolutely keep touching me after he orgasms, but after trying that once it didn't do anything for me due to reasons above.

I know this is comparing, and I should clarify that I don't mean this in the "I make you experience X thing, therefore you owe me X thing in return" way, it's just a feeling that I've noticed, and behaving in that way would not be right nor healthy, but I do feel a little bit of frustration around the fact that it is Really Easy for me to make my boyfriend feel good and orgasm, meanwhile it is difficult for me to feel pleasure or for him to give me that. It does feel a little one-sided, and he expressed the same concern to me last night, but I do know that it doesn't come from any intentional devaluing or neglect for my feelings and pleasure on his part. He DOES want to make me feel good, we just haven't figured out how. I also recognize that at least part of this disparity has to do with differences in our sex characteristics (mechanically, touching/pleasuring a penis is much simpler than a vulva/vagina, though this is also oversimplified) and himself being cisgender while I am transgender, so we also have very different relationships to our sex characteristics (e.g., it is very difficult for me to refer to a specific part of my external genitals, and both the "feminine" and "masculine" words provoke dysphoria in one way or another). There is also a difference in like, how and for how long I usually need to be stimulated in order to find penetrative sex physically pleasurable, and in the past trying to do that has led to physical discomfort/pain or made it harder for him to stay hard after a certain amount of time, which has also contributed to us skipping him stimulating me and focusing more on his pleasure.

I don't have any trouble making myself feel good or orgasming when I am alone, so there isn't really any possible source of my problem that doesn't have to do with some element unique to partnered sex. My first guess is that maybe I'm just not relaxed enough, but I'm not really sure why I'm not relaxed, at least not as relaxed as I think I am. I am extremely comfortable around my boyfriend, I have never felt hesitant or bad to e.g. be naked with/around him or any other kind of physical intimacy. The only culprits that I could think of are maybe that I have expectations around sex that are limiting me (though I think I've worked on that a bit already) and leading my focus away from the present moment, and/or (though this one definitely has some kind of role) my dysphoria around certain parts of my body or features (thankfully I am going back on T very soon!!).

The second part of this is a bit different. More... vent-y. Through our conversations, we have discovered that our sexual interests, kinks, and preferences align over some major areas, but I have also expressed a few interests/desires of my own that he has absolutely no interest in and is even made rather uncomfortable by. Like, I have developed a relatively strong interest to experiment with impact play, and he does not really share that interest beyond anything he could use his hands for. He is also very averse to leaving bruises or marks (specifically from hitting me), which is an extremely alluring element of impact play to me. Last night I shared with him a fantasy I had recently involving me being threatened with a knife (in reality, an extremely and intentionally dull knife), and he Really didn't like that.

He told me that he "doesn't want to hurt me" and I can understand that this is just his preference and how he feels about and understands these activities, but I do feel some amount of like, eh, disappointment? I also notice that I feel some friction between how I feel about/understand those activities compared to how he does. Because I don't really view those things as hurting me, at least not just hurting me. I struggle to conceptualize all hurt or pain or sensation as being necessarily the same, because how someone experiences that can be wildly different depending on the context. Being hurt non-consensually in a non-sexual context is not hot, being hurt (and eroticizing it) consensually in a sexual context IS hot. I realize there isn't really like, a healthy or appropriate way to act on these feelings, which is why I am expressing them here, because I think it's probably for the best that I allow myself to feel them and just get them out there, and then move on.

I should add that we have talked about what we have in common as well, and more extensively, and we intend to write our own yes/no/maybe lists (I find it a little difficult, because it turns out that writing a big list of things that turn me on, turns me on), because while our conversations have been very vulnerable and intimate, they have also left a Lot to be clarified. Like, if using implements or weapon props is a limit for him and simply his preference, then that's just a limit of his, but as our conversations have been going it isn't super clear to me where exactly those things stand. For example, I know from my own experience that I thought I wasn't into some things and that they were a hard no for me, but then I realized that I just had an inaccurate idea of what they were in my head and that I actually find them quite alluring. But I realize that there is a possibility this isn't the case here, and even if it is, then that is his own decision to learn more or process that for himself, it's not something I can or want to force him to do. That is his own, not mine.

It is time for me to go to work, but I'm glad I could get this out.

- rather sexually frustrated seal

[Anya]

Hey ratherslowseal,

It sounds like there are two primary aspects to your question, one on physical pleasure in partnered sex, and the other on differing levels of interest/comfort with certain desires. Let's first start with the pleasure in partnered sex bit, and then we'll get into the desire aspect after.

My first inclination here is that the issue is not physical, but psychological. This is a very common, yet overlooked, conclusion especially for AFAB people who, seemingly for no reason, can't experience pleasure with their partners, but can on their own. Since you mentioned being able to experience pleasure and orgasm during masturbation, this is what gives it away for me. When you masturbate on your own, does this experience (always/sometimes/never) include fantasies, sexual media, or other thoughts of the interests you mentioned? Because if when you masturbate alone, these desires are more often than not, included, I would lean towards also think that the missing element of your specific preferences is playing a large role in your inability to feel aroused or totally authentic with your boyfriend. If you are not engaging with these fantasies during masturbation, then I would say it could likely be what you have already mentioned, just not being able to feel fully relaxed. This is something that happens to people regardless of comfort with their partner in general, and can be associated with any kind of feelings of stress/pressure to "feel good/orgasm," insecurity about appearance/body (may also be triggered by dysphoria), or anxiety/mental state outside of the sexual dynamic that subconsciously seep in when we start to feel vulnerable. Do any of these speak to you or feel possibly relatable?

Let me know what feels relatable, if anything there, and we can work on how to move forward when we get a bit more clarity.

Now, on the topic of desire and partner discrepancy. This is a tough one sometimes because how valuable it is for one's partner to share their fantasies, or at least tolerate them differs from person to person. For some, it's a dealbreaker if they don't get to experience those interests, and for others, practicing them alone, or potentially just later in life/with others is fine. I think it's important you think critically about what you are willing to sacrifice and where your boundaries are. There is nothing selfish about having needs that differ from someone else's.

I do think it's fantastic that you're considering a yes/no/maybe list! Here is ours, that you might consider working off of: Yes, No, Maybe: A Sexual Inventory Stockiest
A few things to note here: do be sure to get on the same page with your boyfriend about what these terms mean first, for example, is a "yes" something you want every time, or are just open to? Is a "maybe" something i'm ready to try right now, or something I don't know enough about yet? (basically just do make sure to clarify what each of these mean in relation to the act you're discussing so you're on the same page). As well, it seems that PIV sex is the most common way you two engage, but are there other types of sex you'd try? Like instead of thinking of foreplay as a pre-sex act, it could instead be the whole thing, just focusing on arousal, desire (not orgasm), and non-genital erogenous zones. Does this sound interesting at all?

I also wonder about compromises that might be made here. Sometimes when interests don't align, something that can be substituted is differing fantasies during the same sexual engagement. This could mean doing your own mental fantasizing about what you want, while he thinks about what turns him on. This acknowledges a difference, but works to prioritize both of you. Or, you might consider some form of role-play or "dirty talk" that plays with the topics you like without actually taking the actions themselves. Would it work for you to offer him things to say to you that might excite the same feeling that taking the action would? (obviously its not exactly the same, but maybe worth a try).

Lastly, more conversation between both of you about what your interests mean to you might make you realize that some of your desires stem from similar places. Like, if your interest in impact play or experiencing pain comes from the root of just wanting physical sensation play, he might be able to understand this if he likes something even like skin-to-skin contact, caressing, making out; all physical sensations that can make sex more pleasurable. Or, in another case, if you like the dominance or power role of someone consensually threatening you with fake violence, it might be easier for him to conceptualize it as a form of care. Some find these roles comforting because it gives them freedom within what feels like a safe environment, and they can thus feel wanted/attractive/desired. If this, or something like this, is the case, it can be a smoother way of talking through these things; from the root first. Does this make sense?

Here are a few resources you might also look into around these topics:
Reciprocity Reloaded
The Great No-Orgasm-From-Intercourse Conundrum
Be A Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats And Hows Of Talking About Sex With A Partner

[ratherslowseal]

Thank you SO MUCH for such a thoughtful response!

One quick thing. This might seem a little pedantic, and I don't really expect most people to think about this or assume, but I personally do not appreciate being referred to as an "AFAB person". The female gender was (and largely still is) socially imposed on me, and my natal sex characteristics correspond to that category, but I can't "be AFAB", since being assigned female at birth was a specific past event that happened to me, and not a present or intrinsic state of being. I won't go into it since it's quite off-topic, but I think it's very easy for (even other queer) people to take the terms "AFAB" and "AMAB" for granted and inadvertently use them as substitutes for "female" and "male", without interrogating the meaning and function of that language (e.g. imposing bioessentialist views of sex/gender).

My solo play almost always includes some kind of fantasizing, either from myself or some kind of written word. My preferences are not completely out of the picture when we have sex. I absolutely love it when my boyfriend talks to me during, but I should definitely talk to him about incorporating that more frequently. The thing is that I'm pretty sure this is just one contributing factor to my inability to feel much physical pleasure (specifically physical, since I frequently do experience a lot of mental stimulation/desire, which my body does respond to), as opposed to being the sole or even just primary reason.

I definitely was putting pressure on myself to "try to" feel physical pleasure previously, but I'm not so sure that this is as strong a contributing factor as it was before. I've actually felt a lot freer from this pressure since I kind of "gave up" trying to feel pleasure via direct external or internal genital stimulation during partnered sex. Dysphoria is certainly contributing to some degree, though not decisively, I don't think. I do struggle with the fact that my body is generally more feminine than I'd like it to be and that I have some sex characteristics which I'd like to change to a degree or simply get rid of. I do really love being naked, or mostly naked, with my boyfriend, but seeing how different our bodies are and how unambiguously feminine I look in comparison does provoke some dysphoria. I do experience anxiety (situationally, not as a chronic condition), not super regularly but not rare or super infrequent either, so it's definitely possible that I am carrying stress and tension in my body and it's making things more difficult for me. There might be more immediate ways to alleviate that, like maybe asking my boyfriend to rub/massage my back and shoulders and see if I'm more physically relaxed afterwards.

I'm not sure that I could be with someone who doesn't share any of my sexual interests, especially major ones which are closer to "needs" than "wants", but my boyfriend and I are generally very compatible on this front, where we diverge is more of an exception. Also, what I failed to really mention previously is that we have talked about and he has expressed interest in similar/related activities to the ones I mentioned, which is a good place to start. I also think that elaborating to him that the fantasy of being threatened is something which excites me and gives me a lot of pleasure, and is VERY different and distinct from actually being threatened outside of negotiated and consensual bounds. I have no intention of trying to "convince" him, because if he isn't into it, then he's not and that's that. But, previously when I mentioned my interest in non-consensual fantasies, he was uninterested until I explained to him that I do not actually want him to assault me, I just want to role-play being assaulted, and then he was Very on board. So there is a very real possibility that this stems (partially or wholly) from a discrepancy in our education and awareness of kink practices and safety, rather than solely being a discrepancy in preferences/interests.

Explaining why I find these roles exciting and/or comforting is a great idea. That actually reminds me of the suggestion of Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy to list out what emotions or states you want to feel during/as a result of kink play, as well as what roles you want to inhabit and how they feed into each other. I think they made the suggestion as a way to keep your, eh, desired results in mind when designing scenes, but it's also a great way to explain why certain roles or fantasies are exciting for me.

I would like it if "foreplay" activities were carried more into sex, which they already kind of are, at least sometimes. I just don't think completely "substituting" penetrative sex for that would be a good solution for us, I would prefer them together. Though, this has given me some ideas to talk to him about of some things we could introduce to help me, as well as how we can continue talking about and negotiating kinks/sexual interests.

[amber]

Hi ratherslowseal,

I hope it's alright for me to jump in here!

I do want to start by thanking you for putting your boundaries down in relation to words/labels. It's not an easy thing to do but we appreciate it here!

I do think Anya hit home on the things that would be most helpful to you and your relationship. I agree with you both that incorporating and focusing on activities outside of intercourse can be super helpful.

You are so right about explaining the emotional why behind your desires. Have you thought about asking your boyfriend if he is open to hearing those explanations? It might take away some of that worry you have about 'convincing' him to do certain things.

Is there anything else you'd like to talk through more? We are also here as a place to rant/share if that's what you'd like as well.

[ratherslowseal]

Alternative subject line: I am still very frustrated.

Since my last post here, my boyfriend and I have begun to try a couple things, but it hasn't yielded anything for me. I could elaborate but I'm not really sure what the utility of that would be in light of the underlying issues. Last night I was thinking, and I came to the conclusion that I think a decent portion of why I find it so difficult to share my sexuality and pleasure with my boyfriend is that we have completely different, like, durations of our sexual response cycles. AFAIK this is pretty typical and is likely due to our differing anatomy, but that does not make it any less frustrating. Obviously this isn't the only obstacle in me experiencing pleasure/us experiencing it together but I feel like it is a pretty damn huge barrier.

The time he needs/has to from being aroused, to being stimulated, to orgasm fits entirely (more or less) within the time that I know I need to build up arousal/anticipation/excitement in order for anything to feel good for me. It is very unlikely that I am going to feel anything at all if we follow his sexual response pattern.

He also needs a specific kind of touch/sensation in order to be pleasured which doesn't necessarily feel good for me. He only really enjoys it if he's receiving relatively firm/tight penile stimulation. Which makes sense I suppose because a natal penis doesn't even have half the nerve endings that my anatomy does. But that combined with the above feels really... limiting. My options of getting him off are either giving him a hand job while I suck on the head (which I enjoy, because I get to feel and taste him) or insertive sex, which, while it very much is capable of feeling pleasurable for me, I don't have the chance to create that opportunity in the short time frame that penetrating me is even possible for him.

Last night I tried grinding my vulva + dick against his own, and it wasn't amazing but it felt okay enough for me, it's something I wish I could try again and figure out how to make it work better. However, he did not enjoy it at all and it didn't take very long before he got soft. I know he can't control what makes him feel good any more than I can, but it's kind of a bummer to find something that could maybe work for me and it's just completely incompatible with his own needs. It would be awesome to grind our dicks together on-and-off and make out for the better part of an hour (or longer... I wouldn't complain) but his body just doesn't work that way. I love dicks. They are sexy and they are well-designed and have nice soft skin that doesn't produce much friction but man are they finicky.

It doesn't help that, a few days ago, I was imagining/reading about two trans men grinding their t-dicks together, and I may have had one of the most intense orgasms of my short life. Which feels a bit complicated for me. But to try and act on that desire with my boyfriend for it to totally flop is kind of a bummer. The fantasy itself feels complicated and weird not because I am imagining myself with someone necessarily different from my boyfriend (which I do most of the time anyways), but because, even though it is a welcome development, I feel like I'm becoming open to/kind of romanticizing T4T because of the difficulties I have had with my boyfriend in navigating sex and gender, both with others and when sharing my personal revelations about how I understand my own gender. Which, to be clear, he definitely wants to hear about and tries his best, but it's hard to not have my words fall flat when trying to explain something to him.

But after it became apparent that grinding against each other wasn't going to work, he asked to fuck me. I felt kind of disappointed and "meh" about it, because at this point I know that it's going to be a lousy experience for me. Maybe I should have took a second and considered saying no, but I wanted Anything so I said yes. At least it means he'll feel good. But I realized that I just don't feel like an active participant. The best way to explain it is that I feel like I got dragged into watching some competitive sports game that I don't give a shit about, and everyone is super interested and having a great time but I'm just sitting there watching, bored, waiting for it to be over. Actually maybe that's a bad analogy, because that would definitely be worse than how it feels for me, but it's the best I can think about.

I should also add that to have part of my sexual plights be basically the same as a heterosexual woman's is quite dysphoric for me.

The one exciting thing that did happen last night is that I shared with him that I was interested in topping him, and he told me that he's fantasized about that occasionally. But that doesn't fix the problems I've been having. It's just something else I'm interested in. I Want to top him, I think that would be ridiculously hot and euphoric for me, but I feel like if I did and all our current difficulties with sex remain then I'm just going to feel (even more) like a conductor of his pleasure, instead of a partner who gives and takes reciprocally.

I just want to FUCK I want to be meticulously and carefully dismantled and pulled apart and I want it to be playful and mean and desperate and I want to be lovingly put back together after I come crashing down but that feels so impossibly far away.

[Heather]

You know, I don't know how you're going to feel about what I'm going to say, but I want to offer up my honest feelings about what I've read from you here, because I think it's the best thing I can do for you.

It sounds to me like, while you still feel attracted to this person, and while, in the past, you have had sex with them that you have enjoyed, that perhaps due to the passage of time, the changes and shifts with your gender and the way you feel both about your gender and your embodiment and the gender that has been imposed on you (including in the kind of ways it's showing up in your sexual life, even though no one really means to do that), and maybe due to the changes over time that tend to just happen in many sexual relationships -- or the changes that haven't, in this case -- you may simply be running out of road when it comes to this relationship as a sexual relationship.

I hear you saying you want things quite a lot that this partner just doesn't, for the most part. I hear you sounding bored and unsatisfied with a lot of the sex you do have together, and like you feel like you have to center your partner's pleasure in ways that both don't feel equitable or exciting for you. I hear you feeling like your partner isn't as open to experimenting as you'd like or need them to be. I hear that fantasies about sex with a very different kind of partner -- a kind of partner you could have in reality and kinds of sex you could realistically experience with them -- are far more compelling for you than the sex you're having in this relationship. It seems to me that what you have tried to do to solve for this just hasn't worked, and like your partner also may not be particularly invested in trying to change things to make them better for you. I even now see you agreeing to sex that you don't even feel excited about and that you're starting to phone in.

All of that tells me that this just isn't a beneficial or even particularly wanted sexual relationship for you anymore, but that last bit there, where you've now reached the point where you're engaging in sex you don't even want or feel like an active participant in, well, that's the kicker as far as I'm concerned. It sounds like this may not even be something that's coming to an end so much as something that already may have ended.

Do you feel like it's possible that this sexual relationship has simply run its course, and it's time for you to change the nature of this relationship -- in other words, if you like/love each other and want to be in each others lives, maybe to a non-sexual relationship? -- and seek out a sexual partner or partners that you're actually excited about, actually want to be sexual with in the ways they want, and who feels like far more of a fit for you?

[ratherslowseal]

Thank you for being honest with me. Even if it's not always comfortable, I appreciate it.

I've gradually begun to fear that might be the case. But I also think there's a chance I'm presenting it a bit too pessimistically. I don't think it's too weird that I don't enjoy how he's tried to touch me before (externally or internally with his hands, and with his mouth, though that didn't last very long because he didn't like getting hair in his mouth, he's also not very enthusiastic about the smell or taste, and, well, I am hesitant to ask him to try again if he didn't like it that much the first time), because it isn't much of a surprise that it will take him a while to figure out how to touch/stimulate me if he's barely had a fraction of the time to learn how and what my body responds to than I have. At the same time, it did not take me very long to figure out how to touch him in a way that he likes, but I guess my anatomy just has a bigger learning curve than his. Eh. I've also been reluctant to ask him to touch my genitals because it just feels like a waste of time for both of us, so maybe his lack of familiarity is somewhat my own doing.

But, there's also the possibility that I'm just searching for a way to "repair" this and get what I want, when I might just be out of options. Doing the same thing over and over again wanting a different outcome, but it is, predictably, the same.

I think that impulse is partially because, if it is the case, then recognizing sexual incompatibility feels both like "giving up" and makes me feel super fucking shallow, even though I know that isn't necessarily (or even likely) true.

[Heather]

It's really, really hard to figure this stuff out sometimes, I get it. I've been there, too. And you're right: in any new sexual partnership, we always are learning each other, it's not like we can walk in knowing what feels good to a given person, no matter how many other people we've been with. A new partner means a new person to learn sexually, period.

Can you tell me a little bit about the rest of your relationship and it's history? I feel like I don't even have a sense of how long this has been going on to talk about it as something new or not. How long you've been together, how it became a sexual relationship, what the things are that you really like about him and where the places are that you really do feel compatible?

I do want to say that -- and I'm in the middle of writing a piece about this, because this keeps coming up here -- there's nothing any more shallow about changing or leaving something because of a lack of compatibility with sex than there would be doing the same for, say, a lack of compatibility in communication, or in what people want in a relationship.

Sex is, potentially, a place of very deep connection. Our sexualities are often very big and expansive parts of who we are, and sex with ourselves and with partners, unless we're engaging in sex that is itself very surfacey, isn't some surface thing. It's a way we communicate, bond, express ourselves and who we are together, experience our bodies deeply, experience our emotions deeply, and explore important things in life like pleasure and vulnerability. Sexual relationships *should* involve a mutually beneficial sexual connection, just like love relationships should involve a mutually beneficial love connection. None of this is shallow unless people come to it in a shallow way. <3

[ratherslowseal]

We only got together in late January of this year, and we started having sex regularly in March. We didn't know each other for very long previously, but we developed a connection very fast. He started talking to me after he noticed that he had my attention all the time when I would show up at meetings for our college's LGBTQ pride club, which was my only social outlet at the time, before it got replaced by work (due to scheduling and also the summer).

From the first time I saw him I was very attracted to him. I had never experienced that kind of attraction where I just can't take my eyes off of someone before. For quite a while I actually questioned if I was on the asexual/aromantic spectrums because it just never happened. But I also graduated with a class of 40 something people, so I didn't really ever get to meet anyone I was interested in my age (though I wouldn't have dated in high school for other reasons as well). I might also be guilty of having a "type". That is all to say that the feeling was very new to me. As I learned more about him I started to really admire his passion for his hobbies/interests. He puts himself into them wholly and consistently, in a way that is so natural and unbidden.

We were pretty physically affectionate early into our relationship. We cuddled a lot (and still do). I remember when he hugged me for the first time, it was like I had never felt anything like it. I'm mostly pretty averse to touch from people, but I wanted it from him very, very badly. If I could name any one thing that pulled me to him, it would be that he felt safe. Warm, consistent.

[Heather]

This is all really helpful background, thank you.

I can certainly understand how if this is the first person you felt very physically attracted to, that has made this extra complicated. I feel like things get extra complicated when we experience that kind of attraction, but it doesn't necessarily make being sexual together awesome all by itself (I think a lot of us are raised with the expectation that of course we will have good sex with someone who we're very attracted to). It also does sound like you feel very safe with him.

Can you also tell me some about how your talks about this together have gone? Have you been able to be very honest with him, including about things like the other night? Does he know that you're feeling pretty dissatisfied? Have you been able to talk about things with him like that losing his erection doesn't mean the kinds of sex with you that don't require one has to stop (I'm thinking about the grinding you mentioned being good for you)? Have you left these talks feeling like he really heard and understood you? Do you get the feeling that he's very invested in sex being good for you, too or...not so much?