how do i grow up?

[peterpan]

hi everyone! there is a long essay ahead, so i’ll be brief with the heart of a question: how do i “look after myself” as a girl/woman? how do i make myself comfortable enough to present as girl, to wear nice clothes? how do i stop being a girl and become a “young woman”?

and now to the situation, which is probably confusing and layered. i put this under the "gender" topic because it felt the most fitting, hope it's okay! the situation mostly comes down to gender issues and “age issues” which are of course very different things, but they come together here. this post is not polished, but i hope general idea comes through.

so. i am a (trans) man. i “wanted to be a boy” since kindergarten, and i presented as a boy online since i was 12 years old. in real life, i wasn’t allowed to cut my hair or pick my own clothes because that would make my parents very distressed. they are violently transphobic which let to some not-so-fun situations, but fortunately they do seem to have memory problems, so we have good relationships now.

they think i’m a girl. at this point i don’t really know what i am. it’s probably because i was never given an option to play around to figure that out when i was a teen (not just gender-wise, but having coloured hair/going out/shopping for myself), but i worry that presenting as a guy online is maybe also preventing me from figuring out if i am in fact a girl. which is probably not true and i’m just frustrated about this situation. i don’t like being called a girl, i don’t like my birth name, i can’t see myself as a middle-aged woman or generally myself as a woman in the future, and i feel physically sick imagining myself wearing those cute skin-tight tops. but i feel alright wearing dresses and i want to explore the possibility of being cis (i call this idea “roleplaying as a girl”) because i maybe really want to be.

so this morning i made a small braid in my hair because i thought it’s cute and maybe my mom would like it. they encourage me trying out cute/feminine stuff which is really nice of them, how they hype me up every time i wear a tight top or a skirt. and it was for nothing. later that day i threw on my big t-shirt and jeans and on the way to get groceries my mother talked to me and said that i have to start looking after myself more, “get a nice haircut and start dressing up more mature because right now it looks like i want to hang out with (our language has a derogatory term for minors) teens and not to grow up and maybe have a boyfriend in the future”.

here comes another layer: i always struggled with age. even in elementary school i felt like i was a million years old and like life lies ahead for everyone except me, like it’s already over for me. a combo of that + a lot of stress during childhood + war in my country started when i was 16 – probably gave me actual brain damage because i just turned 21 and i just started feeling okay and young! for the first time in my life! and it feels good when people say they “thought i was/look younger”, i like wearing oversized clothes that make me feel more like a teenage boy because it’s like i can actually live a little bit through that period of being a kid/teen without being psychologically tortured every day. does that make sense? the thought of “growing up”, whatever that means, is actually terrifying. (before anyone thinks badly about this internet user – i even got my bachelors this year, so it’s not like my age struggles are preventing me from being cool. cheers)

there are a lot of books/guides online telling young girl how to take care of themselves, but there are none that say how to transition into womanhood… aka how to grow up. and i know it probably sounds like a bad idea since i do identify as a guy, but if anyone can tell me how to do just that, like how do you dress, how do you look after yourself, hold yourself, etc. or maybe in general if anyone has any tips on how to not cry over having to grow up it would be really helpful. thank you

[amber]

Hi peterpan and welcome to the boards!

I want to start by saying I am so sorry your are in a home environment that is not supportive. It seems that you value the thoughts of your parents, so I am sorry they have not listened to you in the past.

We are able and happy to talk about growing into one's gender, but I'm sensing that this is more about social pressure than what you're feeling on the inside. Of course, you know yourself best, and I can certainly be wrong, but what you said here about how your feeling gives me pause.

i don’t like being called a girl, i don’t like my birth name, i can’t see myself as a middle-aged woman or generally myself as a woman in the future, and i feel physically sick imagining myself wearing those cute skin-tight tops.

Ageing can be hard especially the transition out of school, in or around your early twenties. Are there behavioral factors in your concern about "growing up" or is it all in the way you present yourself? Again, it is sounding to me like this is more related to your gender expression than resistance to change or growth that may be associated with "growing up".

That is a lot thrown at you. How does hearing that sound?

[peterpan]

thank you sm for answering! there is a lot to think about. i think you’re right about these thoughts coming from the outside rather than the inside; i probably wouldn’t try to fit in with societal expectations of being a girl/woman if my current presentation didn’t bother my parents so much. but maybe the discomfort is coming from not being used to wearing non-boxy clothes and all… if everything goes well i will leave to get my masters degree next year and i’ll be free to cut my hair however i want which is very exciting, so while i still live at home i think i can use this situation to learn something new about myself. maybe i’ll end up liking being a girl. if i’m careful and honest with myself about how this experience will make me feel then it won’t hurt me i hope!

and thank you again for asking questions, makes me think about it all from different angles <3 i think in the end it does come to gender presentation. maybe i’m not “growing up”, but i’ve been growing a lot as a person, like i 99% overcame social anxiety, i’m learning how to cook and clean. maybe scheduling my own doctor’s appointment is ahead of me, but i think i’m checking almost all the boxes of becoming a part of society so far (hopefully, haha). i figured liking playgrounds isn’t a bad trait too because even my father has fun on them when we go on night walks, so it most likely is about the look. my mother had me when she was two years older than i am now, so i can understand her concern maybe. she wants to see me wear makeup and more open clothes because she says “it’s time” for this, but i don’t know even where to start with this you know

[Latha]

Hi there, Peterpan,

We are all for informed and free exploration--you could use the time before you leave home to try non-boxy clothes, or try all those things you or your parents associate with womanhood. It is just important, as you said, to be careful and honest with yourself and to have a clear view of what motivates your feelings. You may go through this and learn that you enjoy some of the things you you'll try. Just keep in mind that liking approval from your parents and others, appreciating how that makes you life easier, or liking certain 'feminine' clothes, is not the same thing as wanting the identity of girl or woman.

(before anyone thinks badly about this internet user – i even got my bachelors this year, so it’s not like my age struggles are preventing me from being cool. cheers)

i’m checking almost all the boxes of becoming a part of society so far (hopefully, haha).

It would not be our business to judge you if you did not have a bachelors degree. But personally, I don't think not having a degree (or not meeting other milestones) would make someone a less cool or valuable person. Scarleteen is a disability-friendly space, so I believe there are others here who would agree with me. You are already a part of society, whether or not you have all the skills you associate with being mature or growing up.

That said, congratulations on all the ways you are growing as a person! Cooking and cleaning are not simple skills--getting comfortable with them and overcoming social anxiety are victories that deserve celebration. <3

If it helps at all with your feelings about growing up: growing as a person does not mean you have to abandon the freedom and comfort you associate with youth. You can keep your new skills and your ideals/preferences.