guilt about what i masturbate to

[hauntedgemini]

hi, i'm really really terrified to even share this on here but i read a previous post on here whose experiences were similar to mine so i sincerely hope this is a safe space. i also recently turned 18(idk if this important or not). i struggle with extreme guilt and self doubt about the things i masturbate to.

so context to start this off with. when i was 10 i watched a woman being sexually assaulted in a movie and kind of got scarred. like really scarred and disturbed. like just the word r*pe used to scare me. and i used to even be terrified of my mom and my sister going outside at night. one time at a petrol bunk, i literally stood between my mom and a man working there because i was so scared he would hurt her. i used to have nightmares often and couldn't eat or function properly for a few weeks. it gradually got better thankfully, but the nightmares continued for some time after that. i don't have any personal trauma myself(thankfully) which is why i'm so so confused why the topic affected me and somewhat still affects so much. i feel like a fraud because of it.

ok so the reason i'm sharing the above is because i have masturbated to r*pe, age gap relationships, dub con in fanfics etc. in the past and it leaves me feeling disgusted with myself. i'm so so terrified to even admit this on text. i use masturbating as a coping mechanism especially when i'm stressed but it has gotten to the point where it affects my sleep and schoolwork. it's instant dopamine so it works efficiently.
i don't always seek orgasm from these things but they are a frequent occurence to the point where i'm really concerned of my character. recently, my guilt has been eating me up so much that i don't even masturbate anymore. my brain keeps on churning with the possibility that what if i actually wish for these despicable things to happen or what if i'm an abuser or a predator.

the weight on my chest has become so so much hard to bear, i can't even enjoy any thing at all without this guilt stopping me in my tracks--reminding me that i don't deserve to seek enjoyment from anything. i burst into tears randomly from the shame of it all.

i just wish i never done any of this. sometimes i feel like i should just be punished severly or outcasted everwhere or go through some f*cked up stuff for even seeking pleasure from these things. i have been struggling with sexual intrusive thoughts a lot recently and i'm just completely terrified that they’re a manifestation of what i actually desire. i think i may have ocd but i'm not in an environment where i can actually go to a doctor to get consulted/diagnosed or where i can seek therapy for it hence, i'm venting here.

just to notify you that i 100% know in my heart that i will NEVER ever, ever, ever actually partake in these things. nor do i ever want anybody to ever go through such horrible horrible trauma. but my intrusive thoughts make me feel like i do and that i'm the worst person on earth for seeking pleasure from despicable things like non-consent. i even fantasise myself going through harm. my morals/ethics go completely against this so my conscience is REALLY weighing me down. i do not even want to witness such things but during masturbation, i seek pleasure from them which make no sense??

so recently, i went to watch a movie and i remember being so scared that a woman in the movie was going to be assaulted. i kept getting anxious and uneasy, and wanted her to be safe. i literally almost cried. this reminded me that i don't actually wish for these things and whether masturbating to vile stuff is a way of me gaining control or something. but this sounds like i'm just making up some excuse to justify myself so idk what to do.

i'm recently having panic attacks just thinking of this so i'm just asking for some empathy/kindness here, that's all. you were understanding to a similar post like this so i'm hoping you would do so for me as well, even if i'm extremely unworthy of it. really sorry if i overexplained anything or any grammar errors. i just want to know hope to cope with this guilt, if that's okay to ask.

[Becky]

Hey hauntedgemini <3

I'm sorry this has been causing you so much anxiety and even panic attacks <3

First of all, just to get this out of the way-- you are NOT a bad person at all. What you are experiencing is totally normal and you should not be punished for it.

It sounds like you're just experiencing sexual media (fanfictions) and becoming aroused. That's exactly what sexual media is designed to do-- even when the content is unquestionably dark or taboo. There's a whole genre of traditionally published books that has been deemed "Dark Romance". So this isn't even something that only exists in online spaces.

Now, I just want to clarify really quickly that rape specifically is NOT sex and is NOT romance. However, it is a topic that is often explored or depicted in dark romance or dark erotica and is often written in a way that is explicit and designed to be arousing.

We don't really get a say in when we become sexually aroused. It's something that happens in our brain first and then we start to get physical sensations in the rest of our body. Seeking masturbation after feeling sexually aroused is a perfectly normal response. That doesn't mean that you want these things to happen to you or anybody else or even that you get turned on *specifically* by rape or dubious consent-- you're getting turned on because you're reading sexual content.

Our founder, Heather, actually responded to a slightly similar question to yours and made some really amazing distinctions in their answer: Rape fantasy or domination and submission desires?

Now, I don't think what you're describing actually fits into the definition of a rape fantasy at all. But sometimes, people who believe they are turned on by rape are actually more aroused by the idea of being held down, tied up, "ravished", power play, etc... all things that are *not* rape and would be done with consent. So I just wanted to make that clarification because it's easy to conflate these things because our society has some pretty messed up ideas and depictions about what rape actually is.

I'm going to assume that the reason you felt scared and fearful after watching the movie with the woman being assaulted is that the movie probably presented this scene as something scary and bad happening to a person (possibly a thriller or horror movie?) rather than what a lot of fanficiton/dark erotica does which is present it as *bad*... but also is very sexually explicit and even sometimes written in a way that implies or even explicitly states that the person being assaulted is enjoying it in some way.

Dr. Emily Nagoski, one of my favorite sex educators and researches, has an amazing article about this: unwanted arousal: it happens

However, if you really do not want to be engaging with this kind of content in this way, we can work on that too. The first step would probably be to avoid these kind of fanfictions. I know sites like AO3 have an amazing tagging system so you can avoid fics that have topics like age gaps, noncon, dubcon, or rape. Maybe try switching to more lighthearted romance fics or erotica with more emphasis on consensual acts. You might find that this content is just as arousing.

If you do end up coming across content that arouses you and you *don't* want to be aroused, there are lots of things you can do! Arousal doesn't last forever and it doesn't go away with only masturbation. You can take a walk, practice some deep breathing, do some vigorous exercise... anything that will essentially distract you. After a bit of time, you'll realize that the sensation has dissipated and you might not feel interested in masturbation anymore.

Now, if this is causing you a lot of stress and anxiety or if it feels like something that has gotten out of your control then it would be really helpful to seek help from a therapist or sex therapist. If you also already suspect that you have OCD, this is definitely something worth bringing to a therapist. We get a lot of users on here concerned about intrusive sexual thoughts or sexual thoughts/actions that they feel that they cannot control and this is often a symptom of OCD.

You mentioned you aren't able to access therapy. Can I ask why?

Whew! Sorry, I hope that wasn't too much all at once. How is all of this landing? Does having some reassurance help alleviate some of your stress? Or has this been feeling like something that has gotten beyond your control and might need some extra support?

[hauntedgemini]

first of all, thank you so much for responding<3

your reassurance truly meant the world to me and just so you know, made me stop crying just now. so i'm really really grateful<3

Dr. Emily Nagoski's article really helped put some things into perspective so thank you for that as well!

also, i realise i didn't phrase my words properly. while i also masturbate or used to masturbate to r*pe/dub con in fanfics, it isn't limited to that and also extends to visual media more often than not. i'm so so sorry for not wording it properly. i understand that this makes it completely different and therefore makes me even more of a horrible person. especially when i seek for it willingly when sexually aroused. i'm disgusted with myself while admitting this to you.

know that again, i don't feel happy that others are put through such trauma but i can't help but sometimes feel sexually aroused by it. when the orgasm comes, i'm just left with sadness sometimes not even pleasure.

for a few days, i've just completely stopped acting on it like i mentioned because the guilt got so bad. and i don't think i want to return to doing so because just the thought of it repluses me now. but that doesn't nullify the times that i did derive sexual pleasure from it. nor does it nullify the shame or guilt i now carry which is well deserved actually.

and you're absolutely right about the rape fantasy. i'm more intrested in the power play of it all than actually being assaulted against my will.

and about the therapy part, i would have to explain to my parents what i have explained to you and i'm not sure if they will take it in good faith. i just fear they will judge me a lot if i admit to all of this so i'm terrified. and also i'm too ashamed to admit all of this to a therapist so there’s that.

thank you again for listening and caring.