I know that before I've talked to you about my shame in regards to sexual thoughts and feelings towards women but I've wanted to talk about something else which could be an outcome from it.
I don't know why but sometimes I really adore and admire men in a way where I would want to be them but not want to be with them (I would probably want to be with them platonically or as friends though). I've been listening to a lot of hip-hop especially from the 90s and have started daydreaming about dressing up and being like the men in the music videos I watch of it such as A Tribe Called Quest and N.W.A. I feel like if I ever dressed up in that kind of fashion or in any masculine clothing it would feel euphoric in some way and while I am black I'm not African American in any way so I've thought it was never really appropriate to dress up in that type of clothing since it isn't exactly my culture. I have also have started to adore all kinds of men in general.
Another thing that I found interesting is that I think the reason why I feel like this is because men have always been allowed to be open in their sexuality without judgement which made me a bit jealous as well as envious of them. Unfortunately, there is a bad side to this since this freedom in sexuality which has caused men to heavily objectify and sexualize women and this isn't only in hip-hop music which can be seen as a stereotype in it because hip-hop talks about so much more than that!
I also think that sometimes I use hetero relationships in media so that I can be able to interact with my attraction to women since I feel shame already in being a lesbian. It's like I would watch a movie about a straight couple and imagining me being in the place of the man or being in the place of the women and imagining the man as a woman. I guess I try to do this so that I can interact with being gay at a "safe distance" if that makes sense because I can't seem to enjoy lesbian media any more and I tend to feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I am pretty sure this could be in relation to me feeling lesbophobic about myself since I don't have trouble with watching stuff about gay men.
Sorry if this is quite a lot. I would like to hear what you would think please
